The Workings of the Lord
In Jim and Cora
The Birth of Our New Anointing
September 29, 1987
With
the start of this new journal is the start of a new union – the union of Jim
and me in spirit. Just as our physical union produced our children – the sperm
and egg united and caused the birth of David and Jenny – so our spiritual union
is birthing the new anointing on our lives. I see Jim as the sperm and me as
the egg. We have come together and are just a tiny conception drawing life from
the Host – Jesus the Vine. Once the egg and sperm unite they no longer have
life of their own – they grow as one until the new life is fully formed and
birthed. Our conception means our lives being as one life in spirit. We draw of
the same nourishment from the vine – we do not look for our own individual life
but one united life.
Show
me more Lord. I realize I no longer have my ministry. I lay it down
Lord. Anything I receive from You is ours. My energy
and life are his too.
O
Lord, forgive me for I had dreams of my service, my ministry. I couldn’t see
how Jim fit in so I just went on. I never sought You about it – not really. I was self-centered and proud of how You were using me and readily accepted his exclusion and even blamed him for it. How much harm this brought to him. O Lord, utterly cleanse
me – utterly heal me. I lay it all down, even the bridge – it is us, for he has persevered too – perhaps more than I have. Open up the floodgates of
heaven now upon us as we come to You in our union.
Thank you that we are already conceived. We are one, though just a cell with no
form. We wait now and draw from You our life as we
grow and take form and enter into the ministry You have for us.
I
realize we could have gone on and been apart. Who knows (only You) what harm would have come had I pursued my ministry –
perhaps our marriage would have been harmed. I don’t even want to think of it.
Thank you Lord for showing me this great area of self that was in control.
Thank you for Your Lordship that swept it clean. And now we are free to grow in You.
I
see how my holding on to “my” growth and ministry kept the sap from flowing
into Jim. It put us totally out of order and off balance. It drained him dry
while I was flooded. Oh God forgive me and now restore him and nurture him.
All
of my seeking, prayer, obedience, all the glory set
before me – I lay it down on Your altar. Anything I considered “mine” in the
area of ministry, prayer, anointing, service, I acknowledge being Yours and to be channeled into us as You set fit.
Thank you God!
I
also lay down all the responsibility I’ve take on, even to feed him, and look
to You and Your Spirit to feed us as You see fit. Yes
it has always been me and You – all my writing, my growth – all about me and You. Thank you for stopping me. Praise You Lord.
Susie
and the team were sensing something not quite right. It was because I was still there – I was going to share with him and feed him and try to
bring him where I’ve been. Now Lord, nurture us in You.
I have never let him hear from You.
In
marriage I see the importance of order more clearly. Because we are one we can actually hinder each other by not behaving as one
– one withers as the other grows. Oh help the Body see that Lord.
Yes Your yoke is easy and Your burden light. I can
rest in You who will perfect this union. I was
perfectly willing to go on without him and he was discouraged enough to let me. How much grief for us all. You were waiting to do this
all along. Just as in the physical healing, a bridge is being made, so in this
order of our lives is a bridge being made. By letting Your order come to us it comes to earth – is manifested in us as we enter the
Kingdom that has been revealed to us. With this comes power. That is why my
intercession outwards toward the Body has stopped for the most part. You want
to do it here – in us and through that – our overcoming and obedience will be
made whole – in their marriages, ministries and bodies – all fitly joined
together.
As
I rest in this I know You will show me anything I am
to do. My prayers are all directed towards us and our nurturing and my ministry
is to be to You and to my husband. How joyous. There
will be plenty of time when we will go out after we are in order and birthed
here.
I
don’t know what to do now. I rest and I wait. I expect to hear a lot more
through Jim now. I was always trying to break away – to have my own individual ministry apart from him. Our happiest year was when he was my
project leader and we served together – me under him – that was the closest we
ever came to being in order. Even the sickness was a way to control my life – my individuality – to not be under him in God’s ordered place for
me. I didn’t realize it and even as You have been
healing me that individuality and separateness and desire to do my own thing apart from him was still there and came out even more with the
process I’ve been in. It came to a crisis when we were overtaken by it so You could heal it. It is a way of society, culture and I’m
sure generational that was attached to me and expressing itself through me. I
have been delivered! No wonder I had all that twitching when Jim and I came
together – manifestation of deliverance.
Now
my prayers instead of for my continued growth are for his growth as my
covering; for his leading in our calling; for his success in hearing You and guiding me. I can fellowship and worship You but I needn’t try so hard to get it all from You. You
will do it in us and I can receive from my husband. Yes it is indeed time for
me to be still and to receive.
I
see how in interceding for the Body I had to finally stop asking and let You work. And You are doing it
right here. I could keep going on asking and never be still to let You do it.
How interesting that it is in us Your doing it. By
stopping and letting You, the whole Body is helped. We
will see this in the time to come.
Focusing
on “here” is not selfish. It is doing what You are doing. For in bringing Your will to earth “here”,
the Body is healed “here” and “there” – “there” little springs in the desert
watering the dry ground.
How
important it is to start “here”. The problems are revealed the way they should
be revealed. We enter and then go out with power.
October 1, 1987
I
know I am not able to get to express what has happened to me without a lot of
confusion and distortion. I do realize that You have
brought me low and reached down to the enormous root that has controlled my
life and everything I have ever done.
I
know with stepping down and seeing what I’d done to Jim by being out of order
that there was much more involved. I knew I had to see what was in my heart –
what had motivated me. All morning yesterday You showed me segments of my life. I saw myself like an enormous magnet trying to
draw attention to itself at the exclusion of others – a very strong force.
– and the need to be the best (perfectionism), deceiving even myself to keep
that image; the breakdown at 16 when I couldn’t do it anywhere – pushing Joyce
out – starving her; pushing others out; always pushing others out to be central
in someone’s life – whoever was my target of affection. I still didn’t see what
it was until You took me all the way with it. I even
tried to do it with You. I can’t even write it down
because it’s too ugly but imprint it forever in me so I never forget it Lord.
PRIDE At that moment of crises I saw myself as Satan – the most
vile sin against God and man. From this enormous root, all the wrong
motivations and needs grew, all the fears attached to it. Even after You delivered me from the fears and met the needs I was
trying to meet, PRIDE took hold in bigger ways. Deprived of all it’s offshoots, it manifested fully and culminated at the
Cross. I am still so shaken. I want only to be the least in Your Kingdom – I
have never lived any other way and don’t even know how. BUT I realize You are in me. I can’t feel delivered yet except that I see
the awfulness of all I’ve done and have turned in disgust –seeing it as You do. I guess I don’t want to ever be in a position for
that to happen again. My hope is in You alone for I know I cannot and never have lived
any other way. This has been the yoke around my neck. I praise You for breaking it. Although I sit in darkness and sadness
now at Your feet – my life in the dust – I don’t even
want to get up. I just want to sit before You and be
You r child. I am in awe of the great gulf You spanned Jesus in that You have
loved and used me and communed with me in that state. How unsearchable is Your love – how bottomless and how complete is Your
justification and the work You have done at the Cross in restoring us to right
standing with the Father.
I
know You are restoring me to be a wife and I am glad.
I don’t desire to do great things – just to be Your lowly servant. Teach me to fit in and be a good wife. Show me the joys of my
family fitly joined together. How much harm our unjoined
state has caused. Thank you that You are fitly
joining Your Body together. Yes Lord, start here. Bring the pride of men to the
dust - all our ministry and everything we think You need us to do. Let me just be transformed. The biggest thing I can do is to
simply let You have Your way – to walk humbly with
You. You are well able to take care of all I thought I had to do.
I
have spoken much and in great haste about things I have not known. No wonder You wanted me to be silent. And all I want now is to be
silent before You, bowed down beneath Your holy and
awesome omnipotence – to wait for You to restore me – to be patient before You
for I have sinned grievously against You. Thank you for forgiving me and
cleansing me. I know as time passes I will feel Your love again and will better be able to sort out what You have really said and
what has been polluted and profaned by pride. Its too
soon – the sacred things have been polluted and I cannot see the good from the
tainted. I must patiently wait for God will restore me and He will be a light
for my path. I look forward to sitting before You and
being anything You want me to be. Right now I would cringe at any thought of
position or speaking or sharing. It is all too fresh and I don’t yet know Your humility in me. Fill in every place Lord. Sweep me
clean and seal up the place where pride has dwelt. Set me utterly and
completely free. I acknowledge You only.
I
realize that when I surrendered to You in 1986 (an act
totally of You, not of me as I thought) You did take me and transform me. The
fears and motivations and heart-exposing You did made
way for this. It allowed this to grow and be magnified and surface so You could pull it all out.
Even
how I entered the Kingdom was deceiving and my Baptism – so much I am ashamed
of. I didn’t know You at all. I was doing it all
mostly for men. How low down I am in the Kingdom and I have looked for the
specks in their eyes while the board has blinded mine. I pray Your Kingdom
advances more quickly now that I am out of the way. Oh Lord I just want to stay
very close to You.
Psalm 73:6 “Therefore pride is about their neck as a chain”. Prov.
29:23 “A man’s pride will bring him low but he who is of a humble spirit shall
obtain honor.”
Prov.
15:33 “The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord brings instruction in
wisdom and humility comes before honor.”
Isaiah
66:2 “Thus says the Lord, ‘Heaven is My throne and the
earth is My footstool. What kind of house would you build for Me? And what kind can be My resting
place? For all these things My hand has made and all
these things have come into being for
Matt.
23:12 “Whoever exalts himself with haughtiness and empty pride shall be humbled
(brought low) and whoever humbles himself – who has a modest opinion of himself
and behaves accordingly shall be raised to honor.”
O
Lord, all my big talk – forgive me – utterly
change me. I lean on You that You will never desert me
to my foes (or to MYSELF)
Psalm
30:32 “If you have done foolishly in exalting yourself, or if you have thought
evil, lay your hand upon your mouth.”
James
4 “He gives us more and more grace [power of the Holy Spirit to meet this evil
tendency and all others fully]. The Spirit whom He has caused to dwell
in us yearns over us and He yearns for the Spirit to be welcome with a jealous
love. God sets Himself against the proud and haughty but gives grace
continually to the lowly – those who are humble minded enough to receive it. So
be subject to God. Stand firm against the devil; resist him and he will flee
from you. Come close to God and He will come close to you. Recognize that you
are sinners; get your soiled hands clean; realize that you have been disloyal,
wavering individuals with divided interests and purify your hearts of
your spiritual adultery. As you draw near to God be deeply penitent and grieve,
even weep, over your disloyalty. Let your laughter be turned to grief and your
mirth to dejection and heartfelt shame for your sins. Humble yourselves feeling
very insignificant in the presence of the Lord and He will exalt you. He will
lift you up and make your lives significant. Who are you to pass judgment on
your neighbor? You do not know the least thing about what may happen tomorrow.
What is the nature of your life? You are really but a wisp of vapor, a puff of
smoke, a mist that is visible for a little while and then disappears into thin
air. You boast falsely in your presumption and self conceit.”
James
5;9 “Do not complain brethren against one another so
that you yourself may not be judged. Look! The Judge is already standing at the
door.”
“You
know how we call those blessed (happy) who were steadfast – who endured. You
have heart of the endurance of Job and you have seen the Lord’s purpose and how
He richly blessed him in the end in as much as the Lord is full of pity and
compassion and tenderness and mercy.”
Zeph.3:7
“Let her reverently and worshipfully fear Me, receive
correction and instruction and
Zeph.3:9
“Then changing their impure language I will give to the people a clear and pure
speech from pure lips that they may call upon the name of the Lord to serve Him
with one unanimous consent and one united shoulder bearing the yoke of the
Lord.”
Dan.
4:37 “Those who walk in pride He is able to abase and humble.” Prov.
11:2 “When swelling and pride come then emptiness and shame come also; but with
the humble – those who are lowly [who have been pruned or chiseled by trial]
and renounce self – is skillful and Godly Wisdom and soundness.”
Jer.
49:16 “The pride of your heart deceived you!”
Obadiah
3:11-12 “The pride of your heart has deceived you. Though you mount on high as
the eagle and though you set your nest among the stars I will bring you down
from there says the Lord. You should not have spoken arrogantly in the day of
their distress.”
Dan.
5:20 “When his heart was lifted up and his mind and spirit were hardened so
that he dealt proudly he was deposed and his glory was taken from him.”
Mark
7:20 “What comes out of a man is what makes him unclean and renders him unhallowed.
For from within out of the heart come base and wicked
thoughts … coveting … pride … this is the sin of an uplifted heart
against God and man … all these evil purposes come from within and make the man
unclean and render him unhallowed.”
Ps.
19:10 “They are enclosed in their own prosperity and have shut up their heart
to pity. With their mouth they make exorbitant claims and proudly and
arrogantly speak.”
With
pride stripped away I have become naked before You and
myself. It was my covering – my way of becoming something for I am nothing at
all. I have always been afraid of rejection. I have never loved or received
love - I don’t know how. I have tried to earn approval and acceptance. I tried
to be good for my parents, especially after seeing Joyce rejected. It fueled my
fear. I did all sorts of good works to try to prove to myself that I was good.
I couldn’t face the fact that I am evil through and through. I deceived myself
and tried to become liked by others, especially those over me. When I was 16 it
all fell apart and I broke down. Rejection overwhelmed me. I had no way to make
myself acceptable so I wanted to die. I saw me as I am and for a time could do
nothing about it. As I recovered I could not let myself be hurt that way again.
I had to be perfect. I had to agree with everyone. I could never disagree or
have another opinion. I had to fit in. As I went on I tried to do more and more
to appear good and wonderful. Every time it failed I either ran away or broke
down.
As
a wife I never really could receive my husband’s love or fully give him mine. I
couldn’t even love my kids. As a Christian I tried to get approval first of
pastors and other Christians. Then as I got to really know the Lord I had to
impress Him too. On and on it went. I see that I could not receive anything
from God on my own because I didn’t think You would
accept me. I didn’t accept myself so how could You accept me? I hated myself and had to patch my life up all the time. I realized
if the healing was for Your Body then You would do it.
I didn’t think You would do it for me so I had to make
reasons for You to do it. I didn’t think You’d do it
until everything was okay – until I was somehow pleasing to You.
Today
in all my hurt and brokenness I came to You and asked You to heal me just for
me – not for the Body but for me – because You love me. I came with nothing to
offer and no works, nothing in order – I came in Jesus’ Name and only Jesus’
Name. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever come in Jesus’ Name – on Your merit and Your finished work alone, not trying to add
anything to it or to even offer anything for it.
I
repent of hating myself Lord. Please cleanse me and let me love You just because You made me. Let me see myself from Your eyes of love as Your creation, created in the image of
Christ. And since I’ve come for healing, appealing to Your mercy for me – for
Cora alone based on acceptance in Jesus alone and by His work on the cross – I
know You have heard me and that You must come to me. I don’t understand why I
do not already see Your deliverance but I refuse to
doubt You. Your love is proven even by Your stern
discipline of me so I know I am an accepted child and not by what I’ve done.
Lord if there are any more blocks in me, remove them
all in Jesus’ Name. Set me free in Jesus’ Name and for His sake. Let me know Your love and what it is to love and be loved in Jesus’
Name.
I
tried to make You happy and have You love me by coming
to You always – by staying with You day and night. Now I receive Your love which is given freely – not because I come or
don’t come, but because You give it. I didn’t know what makes You happy is for me to receive You. I can never earn Your love – You give it to me anyway because You want to. I
have never received Your love freely. You don’t make
requirements on me of course. I’ve never really loved You because I haven’t
received Your love freely – I haven’t known You first love me.
The
healing is not proof that You love me - You already
love me - It is because of Jesus’ stripes which flowed out of Your love.
I
see the big place in me that needed love. Pride filled it – all the hurts and
rejection caused me to cover them with pride because I didn’t know You wanted to love me. That pride filled me all my life,
covering the hurts so I couldn’t give them to You. I
give them to You and all the rejection – all incidents
You have shown me.
Now
fill that BIG empty place with Your love Lord. I
receive Your love into that place in Jesus’ Name. I
see the big place Lisa saw – where PRIDE lived. After it vacated I was left
empty and wide open. All along I wanted and needed love – I wanted and needed You. It was the place in me where You were to dwell but it got filled with other things because I never knew I could
just receive that love.
October 2, 1987
In
the night, You spoke much to me about Your love – how
You wanted me to receive it. That You love me not
because of anything I could ever do – not because You want to use me but
because You love – You are love. If I never did anything You would love me – You always have loved me. And I see how all I’ve done was so
empty – motivated by the Law. I only just saw that today – I have stumbled over
the Corner Stone – my salvation has still been through
works. I even tried to do what Jesus did to get it. I have been bound all my
life. As I received You Jesus, giving up my filthy rags, I realized the Way to
receive God’s love is only through You. It is not
because You feel sorry for all I’ve suffered and because You understand how I
tried to make my own way – it is only because Jesus paid the price – because I
am restored to You by the Cross – that is my only way to receive Your love. As
I have entered in there has been much manifestation of deliverance. I don’t
know if I have seen it all yet. I only know You will never,
no never, no never forsake me or desert me to my foes which are all around me.
I am not frightened because I know it is You Who has drawn me to the place and
opened by eyes. I can do noting but wait and let You finish this work You began. I cannot figure or add to it in any way. I know I
have leaned everything on to You and laid down
everything and given You everything as You have revealed it. You have stripped
away layer by layer – now we are down to the Law. Thank you. You have already
broken its power – it cannot hold me and if anything is beneath it, You will expose that too. I wait on You my Lord. I acknowledge only You. I see why I must not
be hasty to draw conclusions or go away from this place. You are working
mightily to save me and deliver me from my foes that have held me captive. I
trust You Lord.
Today
I saw in Romans where I’ve been. I keep thinking You have gotten me to the bottom – the taproot – and then there’s more … so I wait.
(I thought pride was the taproot – then the need for love – now I see the Law.)
How good that I don’t have to be concerned – You will do it all. Boy do I know
I can’t do it!
Romans
9:31-33
I just realized I couldn’t receive Your love because I had not received right standing
with You first by faith in Jesus –all my works and the Law kept me from Your
love (and I couldn’t receive Your healing because I had not received Your love)
As it is written, Behold I am laying in Zion a Stone that will make men
stumble, a Rock that will make them fall; but he who believes in Him (who
adheres to, trusts in and relies on Him) shall not be put to shame nor be
disappointed in his expectation. (I have been on a wrong foundation. No
wonder I have not been able to receive from You!) You
are truly restoring me to You!! You are taking me back
to where I stumbled. See Romans 10:2-11.
I
am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am now a new creation. I am a
little child – all my previous hearing was tainted by pride and the LAW and all
its offshoots. Now I come as truly in Christ to receive Your love and healing and the renewing of my mind. I see why this testimony has had
to be bound. O Lord I dare not do anything until You have fully released me – how soiled it has all been and I don’t even know yet
what has come from you apart from all the bondage. Your pure wisdom undefiled –
I come humbly to receive. See also 2 Kings 2:19-22 and Psalms 18.
Psalms
18
I
will call upon the Lord, Who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from
my enemies. The cord or band of death surrounded me and the streams of
ungodliness and torrents of ruin terrified me. The cords of Sheol surrounded
me; the snares of death confronted me and came upon me.
In
my distress when seemingly closed in I called upon the Lord and cried to my
God. He heard my voice out of His temple and my cry came before Him to His very
ears. Then the earth quaked and rocked; the foundations of the mountains
trembled, they moved and were shaken because He was indignant and angry.
He
reached from on high. He took me. He drew me out of many waters. He delivered
me from my strong enemy and from those who hated and abhorred me for they were
too strong for me. They confronted and came before me in the day of my calamity
but the Lord was my strong support. He brought me forth.
See
Psalms 118 and Isaiah 610
I
have been encased in darkness and even confusion. The LAW and PRIDE have tried
to have me again. My body is sore and tired from the shaking it went through
this morning. I tried to search Your Word and began to get confused – I must be
still and quiet and confident. You have heard me and accepted me through Jesus
and accepted and heard my prayers in His Name for healing. You are in the
darkness coming to cut off my enemies and make an end of them. They cannot see
Your Hand ready to strike – already lifted against them. I can’t see You either but I know You are approaching. I cannot try to
understand. I only wait for I shall not be disappointed or put to shame. They
shall in no way have me – I am Yours. (Ps. 18:9-18)
October 5, 1987
This
has been a time of darkness, fear and confusion. There were physical
manifestations in church after communion and again with the prayer team. My
heart felt like it was broken and I just wanted to die. I was unable to turn to You or find Your love. The agitation left after much
prayer by the team. I have no idea right now what You are saying to me. I know I need to back off and rest. I am so weary Lord. But
the good thing is, even though I’ve seen all I did and what I’m like, even
though I completely lost it and became afraid, even wanting to die rather than
go on, even though I turned on You in my confusion and even though I may have
been doing everything wrong – I still know You love me. You are coming to heal
me and I just surrender myself to Your protection to
rest in Your arms and leave the timing and process to You.
I
still feel sad and broken and much like I can’t go on but I give that to You too. I know I can’t but I trust You. I feel like I can’t face another storm Lord – my
enemy has been too much for me. And yet here I am, alive and still safe in You – battered and shaken and downcast, yes – but still Your
child and still knowing You will completely restore me to You and to my family.
So
I go now Lord to do and think pleasant things. I leave myself in Your protecting Hands – to Your restoring power. I don’t try
to get it - I can’t – I just expect You to do it apart from any effort on my
part. Maybe that’s where I went wrong – all that striving. But I will not try
to understand right now. You will restore me and flood my path with light
again. You will help me to go on. You will never abandon me to my foes. And You will have Your desire with me no matter what I do. I
praise You out of my brokenness Lord. I feel nothing
right now but the brokenness. Receive my praise for I do love You.
October 8, 1987
Yesterday
I returned to my waiting on You. I realized that I had
been hindered and pushed away from it by many enemies. Every sort of evil came
upon me in my weakness and vulnerability. Everything I have been delivered of
sought to take me but they couldn’t hold me – not for long. I realize now that
they tried to bring every lie against You and I fell
for a lot of it because I was laid low and exposed – all my self-protection had
been removed by You and I floundered and fell for the lies - I doubted and was
uncertain. I did not receive Your forgiveness and
strength but went on mourning the things You had revealed. By not receiving Your cleansing I was open to many lies and doubts. And in
acknowledging You only I failed to see the enemy’s
advance – I didn’t realize that as I felt confusion, fear and darkness and
apprehension that I was to turn from it. Instead I acknowledged You in it – saw it as from You in some way. They stirred up
all kinds of strife against me but it was NOT from You and they fell away from me. (Isaiah 54) I must be very careful to turn from
fearful and anxious thoughts – to recognize but not acknowledge them – to turn
and acknowledge only You. It was a subtle
misunderstanding of what Your Word says and when You revealed pride and the law, I became emotionally undone. I expected to suffer
and be punished – I was open to all sorts of terror. I did not acknowledge Your nature but was tricked. Again I got up my expectations
and when I came to You on Sunday I was hindered – I
thought it was You. But You would never leave me that
way – no – they came upon me to keep me from You. They threw me around – they
made me afraid of You – they made me run from You – they tried to cut me off
because they knew You were delivering me and You loved me. But they could not
do it – here I am still with You. Nothing can
separate me from the love of God displayed in Jesus’ death for me. All the
confusion, pain, weakness, demons – nothing can
separate me.
And
yesterday I realized all You have said You are doing
is true. When pride was revealed, fear tried to take me away from the calling
but now I trust You to keep me from pride. You
have shown me what I am and yet You still love me this
way. I am not to be afraid. It is all You – I have not
done anything. The drive I’ve had is also You just as
Jesus was driven into the wilderness by Your Spirit. No one can understand it –
that is why I am to be silent – for my own good – it has caused me much grief
from man. Things are changing in the spiritual realm and we are gaining back
territory. Suddenly it will happen and no one will know why – no one will know
the price that was paid – but You do Lord and it is for You and by Your power
that it is done. I do not need for them to know. I’m sure we have no idea the
price that has been paid by many a saint for every freedom restored in revivals
and moves of Your Spirit.
I
see how they tried to make me look the fool – to take away my credibility. But You will avenge me and make that right too. I am not to
fear. And now I am to wait and rest quietly in You.
There is no need for big emotion here – it is dangerous and tends to take me
from clear thinking and make me vulnerable. This is a time for calmness and
quietness. It will not always be that way – there will be exuberant joy and
outward emotion soon enough.
I
see that I have always been in Jesus’ righteousness. You accepted me even in
the shaky, faulty way I came 17 years ago. But You wanted all of me and now You are cleaning out all that hinders me from
realizing Your nature and goodness. I could never have seen it or understood
it. It has taken much time.
I
realize that You wanted me to know how You were doing
this because of Your love for me and because it is Your nature. You drew me
away all alone to Yourself to tell me how much You
love me. This didn’t mean You weren’t using it for the
Body and all the desires I have carried and felt for so long which are Yours.
It only meant that that was not the reason You do it –
it is for me but You are using it also for them. You wanted me to know it was
not something You are doing which was not out of Your
love for me as an individual. It is first and foremost that but in Your wonderful bigness You are using it to do it for them
too and allowing me to serve You this way.
Self,
pride, fear, anxiety, the Law – all tried to take me back but they could not. I
am Yours alone and You will not let anything else have
even a small part of me.
I
know You will bring me out in just the right way and
it will all be done in perfect order. Jim will be in his rightful place. I
don’t know how our union will be accomplished anymore than I know how the
healing will be accomplished and yet I know they are accomplished. We are just
waiting for their revelation in us and it will come. We can do nothing to make
it happen.
2 Corinthians 6. We beg of you not to receive God’s grace in vain –
that merciful kindness by which God exerts His Holy influence on souls and
turns them to Christ, keeping and strengthening them – do not receive it
for no purpose! For He says, “In the time of favor I have listened to
and heeded your call and I have helped you on the day of deliverance. Behold
now is truly the time for a gracious welcome and acceptance of you from God –
behold now is the day of salvation.
Verse 4. Through great endurance in tribulation and suffering, in hardships and
privations, in sore straits and circumstances, calamities, in beatings,
imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless watching, hunger, by innocence and
purity, knowledge and spiritual insight, longsuffering, patience, kindness in
the Holy Spirit, in unfeigned love; by speaking the word of truth in the power
of God with the weapons of righteousness for the right to attack and for the
left hand to defend.
Verse
8 Amid honor and dishonor; in defaming and evil report
and in praise and good report. We are branded as deceivers and yet vindicated
as truthful and honest, treated as unknown and ignored by the world and yet we
are well known and recognized by God and His people as dying and yet here we
are alive; as chastened by suffering and yet not killed, as grieved and mourning
and yet always rejoicing, as poor yet bestowing riches on many, as having
nothing and yet in reality possessing all things.
2
Corinthians 5:9 We are constantly ambitious and strive earnestly to be well
pleasing to Him for we must all appear and be revealed as we are before the
judgment seat of Christ to receive our pay according to what was done in the
body (considering what his purpose and motive have been and what he has been
busy with and given himself and his attention to accomplishing. Therefore being
conscious of fearing the Lord with respect and reverence we seek to win people
over – to persuade them. But what sort of person we are is plainly recognized
and thoroughly understood by God and I hope understood by your conscience. For if we are beside ourselves (mad as some say) it is for God and
concerns Him; if we are in our right mind it is for your benefit. For
the love of Christ controls and urges and impels us.
Read
1 Cor. 4
So
all in all I see this striving towards You – this
drive is of You and by You. You are stripping off all the parts that were of
the flesh. The ways of the enemy could harass me and keep me from it, even
through men.
It
is Your working in and through me and it is for us
all. You have taken my biggest weakness and turned it into a trophy of Your strength and power. It is not a hasty, enormous,
emotional thing now but a quiet yet persistent endurance. I am reminded of
Jacob and his drive, although tainted by flesh, was used to bring him to Penile
where he held on for the blessing. Acts 20:24 says life is worth nothing unless
I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus.
I’m
not to do it apart from Jim. He is my covering and I need his prayer and unity.
He is part of it too and has suffered in a different way but not in vain. We
will come out together. Lord let him see that his suffering and deprivation has
been used for Your Kingdom – his deprivation of a wife and his willingness to
share this that You are doing. Even now encourage his
heart and make real to him Your plan for us.
By
Your using me and speaking to me, he’s being overtaken by rejection – just as You let me be overtaken by fear, sickness, pride, etc. to
deliver me. You sent me into captivity to deliver me – to open my eyes, to
cause me to see the enemy clearly. Cause him to see it Lord and to turn from it
to You – to Your truth.
I
had fear of rejection too (I believe everyone does) but covered by the law and
pride. I took a different path and he has taken a path of loneliness and
shrinking back. Show clearly what has been his way of going. When I was
stripped of those coverings, rejection and fear overtook me but it could not
hold me because You are in me. Lord, reveal the
coverings in Jim – false coverings not of You – and
cause him to choose Your Word. Operating from pride I thought I could earn it
and exalted myself and went all out. He knows he can’t so he tries to debase
himself and lower himself to make himself acceptable. You want him to drop
those coverings.
A
false humility (because real humility can accept from God and knows and
acknowledges God can do it and will do it and lets go)
is really still clinging to self – it is abased because it sees its failure. It
hoped to do better for God but cannot so it despairs and can’t let go – a lot
like pride depends on self. One concentrates on what self can do while the
other concentrates on what self can’t do. Neither is submitted in faith to God
and doesn’t acknowledge God. Fear or pride causes a critical and judgmental
spirit.
False
humility is a form of pride. It cannot let God do it. It humiliates and whips
itself instead of turning to God. In a sense it is trying to do it – trying to
make its own way instead of coming through Christ alone. Unbelief is at
the root of both of our actions. We were forced to make our own way and many
things built on us from there.
Cora’s way: Sickness, Control, Fear , Anxiety,
Striving, Pride, The Law, Need for righteousness, Rejection, unbelief
Jim’s
way: False Humility, Fear, Anger, Critical judging, Despair, Shrinking back,
LAW, Need for love and righteousness, Rejection, Unbelief
Binding
and loosing is not just a bunch of word or prayers – it is action. WORD
AND DEED It is disallowing in us or in a circumstance that which is not
allowed in heaven and permitting to be and to flow that which is allowed in
heaven. It is a turning and uniting with the Lord – a casting and pushing out
of evil – taking every thought captive to the Lord Jesus Christ. It is watching
and when fear, confusion, pride, etc. come, turning, disallowing and
recognizing and refusing darkness – thinking on and receiving truth and light.
This is binding and loosing and it has great effect in the Kingdom. I guess in
praying for others it is discernment and action against darkness and release of
truth in prayer.
October 30, 1987
I
should have kept this up. As things go on sometimes I’m not sure I’m perceiving correctly as I wait. So much of what I think
and write turns out tainted by my blindness at the time. But I must record this
because real things are happening even if they are tainted in my understanding.
I
have seen Jim changing. He is feeling the burden and feeling the captivity. He
is crying out and hurting for the Body. This causes him to turn away from his
own personal struggles. He is changing. You are doing it for I have not
imparted these things to him and no one could believe in this darkness except
for divine revelation.
The
female affliction worsened and Jim had me go to Dr. D who declared it
bacterial. So far the antibiotics have not taken hold. I have been wearied with
pain. We aren’t sure what You are saying to us. I have
fallen miserably in my own counsel (to Susie who is wearied out with sickness
and strife) and yet You always pick me up. Today You promised I would see Your salvation – I wouldn’t have to
fight. Yesterday I began fighting – desperate to see the injustice of the enemy
destroyed for he lies about You and mocks Your Name. I
was angry and I fought bitterly against him. In the end I was defeated and for
a while lost my perspective and said wrong things in hate. And yet I never lost
the hold on You – the knowledge that You are my hope
and my right is with You for my need and protection and justice.
You
healed Valerie of tumors right before the awful operation. She was let go so I
see You moving in healing acts supernaturally and I
rejoice. I am almost certain we are in captivity – we have been captives for a
long time. The enemy has for a long time kept us blind and dull and has robbed
us of a genuine relationship – of finding our happiness in You.
Now we are overrun with sorrows, sickness and fears. We turn to the world for
our happiness because we don’t know how to find it in You.
But You have shown me (at least a small light) what
You desire for us and You have heard the cries of the prisoners who want You.
And You have caused us to seek You and to hope in You.
You will break the rod of the oppressor. Tuesday when I was in Your presence I experienced that – I even said it in prayer
– that the rod of the oppressor was broken. I know You spoke it because I was surprised when it came from my mouth. Maybe it was a
prophecy. Everywhere I see the trouble mounting – the Body in trouble – but how
few really seek You – they are too blind.
I
see demon oppression everywhere – even Clarence has had to reconsider this
concerning people he knows. And it is obvious in the world now that the activities of demons is overt and yet the Body of Christ
just accepts it – perhaps not even realizing what it is. We do nothing because
we do not know the power of Your Name.
I
have sensed that for the first time I have come in Your Name only. The enemy
has refused to acknowledge it. He believes You have
taken it from us and that his strength has brought him to victory. But You will never abandon Your Body. The gates of hell
shall not prevail against her. You stand ready to strike but they can’t
see it. You will defend the honor of Your Name and shown the enemy that You have loved me and others who are seeking You in earnest.
You will not suffer our feet to be moved.
You
have continued to cut me off from outside ministry (Valerie was an exception).
I have questioned it almost every time it has happened but as I have obeyed, You have confirmed Your way for me with peace and assurance.
Some day we will better understand the way You lead.
We will know Your voice and be led by Your always. The
voices of the liars will be cut off and their work destroyed.
I
have been grieved as I observe G and C, knowing somewhat what evil is occurring
and yet not being able to do anything. And yet I see Your hand everywhere – it must be there too. Perhaps You are bringing it to a climax to deliver them. Give Louis and Lisa discernment.
And
I have grieved for our church as some people left. G is doing poorly although he
still can’t face it and hides it from us. I know the vision You gave me is already happening. It hurts to see it but I remember that the end is
good. Hasten the day of healing Lord. Override the wills of men. Speak mightily
so Your people who are dull of hearing can hear.
Protect and defend Your people and heal us of our sin.
Show us the delights of our son ship that we will serve You joyfully forever. Bring repentance quickly Lord. Raise up the Body – defend those who, like us, have laid hold of You. Use us – fill
us and be glorified in us. Cause our hands to war and grant us success over the
enemy. Give us boldness to speak the Gospel as You confirm Your Word to Your languishing people.
Your
Word has become my food. It is the sustenance of my real life. If I went by
what I see there would be no hope but in Your Word is life. What I see is a
result of sin and our captivity. I can’t expect to see it all around me in this
realm now, but I expect to see Your Kingdom break into this realm. Part of the
problem with the Body is it doesn’t recognize the captivity so when what we see
is not according to Your Word we explain it away with our minds or we try to
claim it is so with our mouths when we desperately need to turn to You alone who is the author of all these things. It is good
both to hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
“Has
He forgotten to be kind to one so undeserving? Has He slammed the door in anger
on His Love?” Ps. 77:9
I
spoke too hastily when I said “the Lord has deserted me,” for You listened to my plea and answered me. Oh love the Lord,
all of you who are His people, for the Lord protects those who are loyal to Him
but harshly punishes all who haughtily reject Him. So cheer up! Take courage if you are depending on the Lord. Ps. 31:22-24
Don’t
you think that God will surely give justice to His people who plead with Him
day and night? YES! He will answer them quickly! Luke 18:7,8
Wait
for the Lord to handle the matter. Prov. 20:23
Rest
in the Lord; wait patiently for Him to act. Ps. 37:7
You
will not need to fight! Take your places; stand quietly and see the incredible
rescue operation God will perform for you. 2 Chron. 20:17
Let
us not get tired of doing what is right for after a while we will reap a
harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up. Gal. 6:9
Be
patient like a farmer who waits until the autumn for his precious harvest to
ripen. James 5:7
Remember
the story of Hezekiah and Sennachorab – recorded 3 times in Scripture.
See
2 Kings 18-20; also in 2 Chronicles and Isaiah
It
is so strange. The infection continues. I’m on the second round of double
antibiotics, yeast cream and even on a diet now to keep yeast down. I’m in pain
and very downcast. My emotions are so unstable. I do what I don’t want to do –
complaining, crying and pouting in spite of my resolve to do better. All the
doctor hassle is depressing – I don’t know what to think. I realize my thoughts
are my enemies so I can’t pay them much attention. My spirit knows I will be
rescued but my flesh fails and emotions flounder all over. I feel like I cannot
go on and yet I go on. I know my hope is in You alone and although I feel
abandoned I know You are with me and that You keep picking me up.
It
is interesting that not only did we not get support from Redeemer but eight of
our regulars also missed so that our support is quite lacking at a time when we
are overrun with doctor and chiropractic bills and Jim even got a ticket for
$58. The size of the loss makes it pretty obvious this is a dart aimed at us to
depress and discourage us for the odds of such a thing are minute – no, this is
warfare. And how we need You Lord if we are to pull through in a way that
honors You.
We
are pressed in on every side. Jim has to go to
I
realize that everyone involved in this healing is under attack. Mike and Lisa
lost their house. Maggie was sick and Susie too. It must be that prayer does so
much even when we can’t see it. Who knows what is happening in spiritual places
while we wait and suffer. Who knows what good all this will bring. Our minds
are far too small. It seems senseless to even ask You to work in my way. I have no idea how you will deliver me and yet You have a plan. Why should I tell You?
How silly! No, I must rest in Your faithfulness no
matter how things seem for Your faithfulness will see me through. I am so
helpless, but You are my salvation.
November 14, 1987
I
am trying desperately to see where my lack of trust is coming from. I’ve been
greatly distorting and exaggerating the problem of the infection. This causes
Jim to want to take action – I press him into it – he has no idea how bad off I
am. How much is just fear and attitude? When I really look at it, I am not in
unbearable pain or dire straits. It is just the knowledge that the end is not
obvious – the annoyance and the aggravation and at times the pain being at a
high level – but I have given the impression to Jim of being physically at the
depths. My frustration and desire to see the end has caused me to grossly
exaggerate where I’m at in my mind – to take what is not extreme and, driven by
anxiety and forethought of how it might get, believe it is extreme and that by
taking action I will somehow reach the end of it. The desire to lay it on Jim –
to cast the weight of it elsewhere - drives me because I have not cast it on You.
If
I am realistic I am not well but I am improved. True, it should be all better
if the meds are really effective but I have no idea what will happen and have
assumed the worst. I have not trusted in any way then, forcing my husband to do
something in what he perceives as great need, I get in even deeper. Yes this is
some sort of snare. I have not really noticed it – I’ve been too busy fretting
and looking for deliverance.
I
have allowed myself to be overtaken much as before You delivered me. I don’t know why this has been so hard for me. Help me see
clearly Lord – I give this to You. You are my strength
and my redeemer, my deliverance and You will help me.
Cleanse me and snatch me out of these wrong thinkings. Forgive me and bless Jim
and meet his needs. Break any hold the enemy got because of my attitude – my
selfish attitude when I spoke to him, forcing him to take the place of You because I am not happy with waiting for You. Enlarge to
me what has happened here. How important for us to see how these things work.
Guard
me this night. Protect me from the medicine – cause me to see things clearly
and to trust You. Empower me and deliver me from all
this deception for I hope in You.
Because
I have had no sign of deliverance - at least not a real sure one – I have
assumed very wrongly and have panicked – I have looked constantly at dire
possibilities and sought desperately a way of escape – some way to bring this
to a conclusion. It has been far from left in Your Hands and my misconceptions
have caused me much trouble by forcing Jim to action because of my impatience
and fearfulness. I yield to You Lord. Show me the way.
My
panic and haste causes me to give a bad, inaccurate report of my status. It is
all actually impatience working in me, peppered with anxiety and fear and an unyielded
spirit. I have allowed myself to dread the future, to expect the worst and to
be thoroughly negative.
November 25, 1987
I
wish I had been keeping this up more faithfully. You are teaching me so much.
With the waiting has come so much I haven’t understood. Again and again I’ve
had to say no to personal ministry without really knowing why. I know You have given me so much and yet I cannot go out from here
apart from You. Except the Lord build the house they labor in vain. So much of
my labor has been in vain because it has not been in You.
A few weeks ago I realized the complete deadness of my state – there is nothing
I want in this world and nothing I want to do – my life as I knew it (the life
I built) has ended and I am as a dead one. I do what is necessary but I am very
aware of my life having ended. But You told me except
a kernel of wheat fall into the ground and die – what a joy this is – to know this death because now comes the multiplying that comes with the new life. I
have known You in Your crucifixion and I will know You
in Your resurrection. I wait for You to quicken this
new life, this body with Your resurrection power which is already in me. The
hope of the kernel of wheat has sustained me through what seems like a long
time. No way would I try to take back my life. I must have Your life. The personal awareness of the Cross has deepened this last week or so and
with it such a firm foundation is laid. I experienced in some way the deeper
revelation of Your atonement for me. I
understood how You had to shed Your blood for me.
I saw my sin – all the traps, the weaknesses and the resulting misery and
realized You My Savior had carried and borne all that weakness and sin and also
the sickness and consequences. In my entire affliction, You were personally afflicted – You who did no wrong had to bear my sin, my
guilt and my disease.
It
was necessary for Your blood to be shed for me because
You are a just and holy God. Oh the love that came to me in the Cross – I am
overwhelmed by what You did for me. This
personal aspect of the Cross has drawn me into Your love – seeing it applied to me – seeing that it is only through
the Blood I can come. If I were to sorrow and repent the rest of my days and
try my best to do better, I could not get anything from You – BUT the
BLOOD covers me – I already have everything freely as I enter by the Blood. Yes
there has been genuine repentance and a new heart with new and right desires
but it is because of the BLOOD. This is the great exchange – my life for Your life because You gave Your life for mine – You
purchased my pardon. You suffered so I would go free – so my sins could be cast
away as far as the east is from the west and remembered no more. I am washed in
the Blood of the Lamb and I go free. I am pardoned. Sin had left a crimson
stain – You washed me white as snow! And Your stripes
were to carry away my sickness. It was necessary so that I could be well. Oh my
Jesus – thank you. I do not receive the cross in vain – to no avail. I await the fruit of Your travail in this
realm. You shall be satisfied and glorified as I am healed by Your stripes – as You make my life Your trophy.
I
have been so drawn by Your love displayed at the Cross
and strengthened by what You have done for me. The surety of Your covenant stands firm in me. Since then I have had physical trials. The night of
the earthquake, my body shook with spasms. I know You are coming to visit and make an end of the enemy’s monument. Although I have
been physically weaker I know nothing has changed concerning Your faithfulness.
This
shaking of everything in the realm of my feelings, understanding, doctrines,
ideas, etc. is good. I am learning to set aside my thoughts and emotions – they
are shifting sand. But I have a solid Rock – my Lord and His Word on which to
stand and it is on this Rock I am to be built. This is the conversion – the
foundation and it is where my new life is built. All my figurings and
understandings of what is happening to me are not solid and not to be clung to.
I have You to cling to – Your person and Your Word –
Your promise and Your oath – Your covenant and Your Blood.
I
have the Blood and I am pardoned. I have the Stripes and I’m healed. I am in
Christ and You have told me of Your deliverance. I
have Your Name. You have caused me to hope in Your Word alone – that is my only
hope. There is salvation in no other name but Jesus. I can do nothing to add to
it – I have everything in You.
I
see this foundation as essential and, although I have known these things, they
are deepening. More of me has been cut off to where I
see more clearly and let go of the thoughts and ideas about what is happening –
to cling to Your Word alone. How much easier it is – no need to figure or take
time to understand – just cling and rely and lean upon my Lord.
I
know I haven’t expressed this very well but at least I got it down. You miraculously healed Big Boy (parakeet)
after he was torn open in a fight with Sunshine. You had already healed Pixie
(finch) when she was egg-bound. I ask You to heal
I
don’t understand Valerie – after Your healing she now has the surgery – I don’t
even know how to pray – I commit her to Your mercy and faithfulness.
My
desires to see Mom healed while she is here is great and I ask You to do it in
Jesus’ Name.
December 3, 1987
I
have been very aware of my own lack, failure and weakness. Every way I turn I
am unable. I have been beset by worries and fears and confused as to what to do
or where to stand. I see the old patterns wanting me back and I feel helpless
against them. I don’t know even what my stance should be about drugs, flu shot,
doctors, etc. I am powerless and yet I know Your Word is true even if I am
unable to experience it now. Somehow deep within me, in spite of the
depression, failure, crushed hopes and expectations, is still have a great hope
– it is You. You are greater than all my doubts and
fears – greater than my heart, any enemy, my failure. Your love and protection
is mine – nothing can stop it from coming to me, not even my own failure and
confusion. Your covenant stands firm whether I am weak or strong. What I think
– even what the enemy sees me thinking and doing in my weakness – cannot stop Your love and deliverance from coming to me.
Nothing
my enemies do and nothing the flesh does – if I am overtaken – this does not
stop You or affect Your nature and Your promises. I am
nothing and can do nothing. If I am strong it is Your strength. Whatever good I have is Yours and without it
I am wretched. But Your faithfulness is not dependant
on my doing and being – the enemy is too much for me but not for You. My hope
is totally in You – not in my expectations, faith,
strength, success or any other circumstance. If I totally fall, You are still Lord and Your Word is still sure. All the
fears and worries that come upon me, some of which I have crumbled under,
cannot prevail in the end for You have said they
won’t. I do not feel it or see it. I am tempted and distressed on every side
and very weak but in my heart burns the hope of my God who has promised to
deliver me.
I
have no understanding of the way that I take – only what my mind has figured
out and this I cannot be sure of. I have only Your Word, which cannot crumble,
and in this I have everything for Your Word is all I really need. This is all I
know for a fact. I don’t need to fight so hard to be strong. I can only be what You make me to be. I can rest in Your arms of love.
December 11, 1987
Physically,
I have been worse than ever since You started healing
me. At times I have totally given in to it – buckling emotionally and falling
prey to self pity, jealousies, coveting the health and strength and life of
others, worry, etc. And yet even the failings of my flesh do not shock me or
dismay me concerning the ultimate end which is Your doing. Something in me has a hold on You which does
not depend on me at all – does not need my strength or understanding or even
good feelings or consistently good actions. Although I am grieved and repentant
when I fall it does not cause hope to be lost at all for the hope I have is in You and You alone. I will always fall unless You pick me up and give me strength – I am totally
dependant. I do see the need of constant communion to guard my soul from these
lapses but my spirit is somewhere higher where even these lapses do not
disturb. There is a constancy of spirit being birthed that is truly separate
and apart from my soul causing me to be able to see and acknowledge the
activity of my soul but count it as nothing and put it off. At times this knowledge
has actually cut off the soul activity before it got any real start as I see it
as useless and wasteful and I refuse to indulge it when it is of no value at
all. Other times I have weakened under it and given it vent but my spirit has
always subdued it in the end. Yes, You are master over
all and nothing can separate me from Your love and Lordship – not myself or the
world or the enemy. Whatever happens can only be working towards Your good plan for me in the end. I may feel discouraged or
disappointed but that does not stop Your work. And yet
I realize the need to be aware of the enemy’s tricks that I not be fooled by
them. This is where we often fall because of acknowledging Your goodness alone. We stop short and fail to see Your discipline and training – we accept what the enemy does as Your desire for us
rather than Your training of us as soldiers. We fail to resist or fight or
learn but sit down in a complacent way. How wrong this is. We must continuously
discern. Now this does not mean You do not allow these
things for our good and have a good purpose – of course not. But if we fail to
seek You for that purpose and accept the evil as Your
ultimate desire we are blind indeed. We must know Your nature and Your will and press on against any obstacle knowing we are safe
because You are supreme and Lord of our lives and yet learning what You would
want to teach us through these various trials. To do anything else is to give
up and shrink back. We must grow to be discerning and aware spiritually and how
else than by facing the enemy - God must allow it. But to fail to see this is
to fall into the enemy’s snares – it is a lack of diligence in our walk with
God and a lack of zeal for His will and His Kingdom. If we do not ask, seek and
knock we will not receive, find and have the way opened. Let us not be so
shortsighted and coveting our ease to accept everything that comes with no
questions or seeking of God’s will. The Lord wants us to seek deliverance with
all our heart – to discern Hiswill and provision for
it – to develop our faith. If adverse circumstances do not come this cannot
happen and if we accept every situation as God’s will we will not find the way
out. We must seek Him, not the way out or even the grace to remain in but Him.
We must know Him and His will. We are to be trained by Him. We must accept this
and begin to see it.
Since
realizing the truth of the stripes and seeing the Lord’s desire I have been in
a deep battle area. In thinking about it, I am made aware that we are beset and
surrounded by many powerful enemies who would want only to destroy God’s
purposes in our lives. I have been attacked on every side and have often come
away disappointed or blaming God. But I realize He is doing something great in
allowing this. For not only does this cause my faith to grow but it is His
means of destroying the works of the enemy and putting them under His feet. God
forbid that I accept what has happened as God’s will for my life (I mean
ultimate will) because I do not want to persevere – it is much easier to stop
and rest and the enemy will back off and we will never see God’s glory. As we
overcome them through our perseverance – the blood of the Lamb, our testimony –
holding fast to God’s Word in spite of what we see – laying down our lives to see
it through – not stopping short of the goal – this is the overcoming – this
tears down strongholds – it affects the very spiritual realm – it brings God’s
will to earth and makes it manifest here. The enemy’s own devices are a foil to
him – they are his downfall. He presses in more and more and then is taken by
God who waits for the ripe moment to intervene and deliver. Meanwhile the
perseverance draws more and more of the enemy into the battle – thus more are
destroyed in the end. We see this in the battles of old – how God allowed the
enemy many victories – allowed them to build their confidence in themselves –
allowed them to threaten and close in and then turned on them and destroyed
them through the faith of His people.
Now
what if the people just laid down to the enemy because
they knew everything was allowed by God for a purpose – where then would be the
deliverance? God’s purposes must be known – the circumstance is never the end
in itself. We cannot just accept it – we must discern. The Body has been fooled
into being lazy in an effort for an easy way. We have accepted and submitted to
all sort of attacks, which were meant to train us, to motivate us and to make
us partaker of the victory of Jesus Christ. Instead we have languished and
explained away everything and allowed ourselves to be plundered and robbed. We
have accepted the enemy’s rule and explained it away as God’s will, attributing
to Him as His will what was meant to train us and mold us and strengthen us. It
is a sad state we are in.
And
now as we begin to rise up and lay hold of Him there are many enemy
strongholds. But that is not to stop us for He is bigger than them all and He
will cause us to tear them down by our holding on for His deliverance at the
right moment, which is known by Him. We must not give up or shrink back or even
worse blame Him for the state we are in. Let us lay hold of Him – He is waiting
for that. He longs to deliver and heal and make strong His people. His eyes are
ever scanning the earth for those whose hearts are perfect towards Him – who
want what He wants, who seek to know His will and to lay hold of it – who
desire more than anything His Kingdom – who want most of all to apprehend that
for which they have been apprehended. Let us lay aside every weight – the
apathy, the desire for an easy way - and face the enemy boldly, believing our
Lord and Savior and laying hold of the Cross – following Him in the way of the
Cross – laying down our lives to see that His suffering is not in vain towards
us.
Father,
forgive us for we have not know what we are doing. Enlighten us and teach us Your ways. We desperately need You.
January 5, 1988
How
I wish I had kept this up. It has been a very hard time for us all – we are
being dealt with as a family, praise God. I see You bringing about that spiritual union between Jim and me – we are together in our
desires and longings toward You and Your Kingdom. We are studying and praying
together and carrying each other’s burdens. Our goals are the same – we are
moving towards You and Your will together. The kids
are having a hard time but I know as we, their covering, get in order under You things will be better for them too.
I
have been physically a wreck for the most part and this weakness has caused
exaggerated physical reaction to stress. I am forced to lay low. Perhaps this
is why You called me aside for now even from
intercessions, for my protection until the healing is manifest – not that I
don’t pray, but it is not the real intercessions and consistent prayers as
before. It is a quiet waiting for all that You have
promised for me (and the Body) thus far. Sometimes I think I should be praying
more for others – it seems right – but I am hindered and restrained so I trust
that this is Your leading or that I will soon hear
Your voice behind me saying, “No”. It is a strange time – even what I thought I
understood spiritually is often not clear anymore – like about prayer. I am
realizing more and more that I form my own conclusions based on what I see and
experience and these conclusions cause me to act and expect according to them
instead of waiting on You. Again it is a matter of
where my dependence lies. It must always be in You and
Your Word – Your whole Word – every Word. I cannot take some of it and make it
always fit – that is why I must depend on Your Spirit, Your rhema to make the
Word spirit and life. I cannot decide how to apply it – it must come by
revelation from You – divinely given discernment daily.
What I did yesterday may not be what You want me to do
today. O the joy of being conquered and following only You.
Sometimes I feel so far from it and yet I see how You have truly taken me when I offered myself (not even knowing what it all meant).
You took me and led me out – You led me to safely and
will continue to lead me out of every move.
I
guess what I have been experiencing these last few weeks is an increasing
awareness of Christ in me – the knowledge that as my self life has died, a
divine life has been imparted. This is the life active in me. I have seen so
much transformation – truly this is the resurrection power at work. Christ
actually lives in me and thinks through me and does through me. If we are truly
aware of having died and now having Your life we will
never be surprised of Your using us to do great things – delighted and
rejoicing but not shocked. It is the self that is surprised or shocked because
it does not yet realize the precious treasure living in it – it does not yet
fully acknowledge You. Any ego or pride in what You do through us comes from the soul that is still unaware
of who You are and is not in submission to You. For You are ready to always bear lovely fruit through us – Your life will always do
this. It has nothing to do with our life – that has passed away. It is Your life and so we become aware of Christ in us and we
should expect this because it is You. To expect anything less is still
related somehow to self-dependence. We have not yet fully trusted and realized Your gift or perhaps not received it because we loved our
soul life. O Lord bring us to this in reality – in
experience. Bring us beyond the soulish realm of being shocked that You use us – that is all false humility wanting to
acknowledge before men our knowledge of our weakness. We should expect You to use us as You live in us. This is not pride or lack
of humility. It is the self that has died and let You live – that knows Your greatness and is not hindered by its own weakness
because it looks not at itself but always at You.
I
don’t know if I’ve written this very well but I ask You to bring us to the place of knowing what it means that You are in us. Then we
will not be shocked or doubtful –we will be as Peter and Paul who said “such as
I have give I you” who knew they could, as Your representatives, filled with Your life, do Your works.
Give
me bread for the donor letter Lord – not my own thoughts but Your selected
words for them Help me write the thank you notes to all who so generously gave
to us. This is a new year 1988 – new beginnings –
double portion – new anointing – praise You!
January 20, 1988
I
am continuing to experience the awareness of the complete safety I have in You. I recently realized the instructions You gave me in September – You have done them in me – I could not do them. I still
had misconceptions of what it meant to be settled in my mind that You are taking care of me. I still related it to
circumstances – I did not realize that the strength You give mentally and
physically over all the power the enemy possesses is this that I’m experiencing
in the pain and unlikable circumstances. It started with the awareness that
none of these things – disappointment, failures, pain – could really harm me.
They have no power over me and the plan You have for
me. You took away my fear of failure and not being strong by letting me fail
and be utterly weak. I then saw how it had no power to stop Your love and purpose and I was able to relax and not be afraid of disappointment. I
saw that it was not necessary to be happy in the sense we think of it and could
let go of that constant need to feel happy – the dread that accompanied loss of
that feeling. Soon this progressed to not really entering into the
disappointment since they are of no benefit. I don’t need to fear it but I
don’t need to give in either. I discovered I was not nearly so unhappy and
disappointed although the physical trail has continued.
You
began speaking to me of rejoicing and I am just now experiencing it in reality
even though I was up most of the night and faced all sorts of denials because
of the physical state I’m in. I hope to see the blessedness of patience, which
comes through the delay. It is patience which is bringing me into this calm
safety. Along with that is the increasing awareness of a growing weight of
glory being achieved by these trails – the glory and recompense are growing
larger in proportion to the suffering and loss. In this I am assured that not a
moment is wasted but is actually working marvelous glory for me even now. And
in looking at this I can rejoice now and be exceedingly glad. This does not
mean I enjoy the pain and the limitations but that I look not at them but at
what they are achieving – this is my joy – my great God’s ways are being made
known to me and they are truly joyful.
I
see the need to bring every thought captive to Jesus – to meekly receive the
engrafted Word – to encourage and give hope to my soul but not let it exalt
itself over the Word of God. Yes this is producing patience and self-control.
And yet all fear is gone for it is not up to me but is Your work and I gladly give myself up to You to do it - it is marvelous. You will
not let these things have dominion over me. When I fall You will pick me up – You will bring me through the deep waters and the fires. I
will not drown or be consumed.
And
the joys to follow will be a monument to Your great
work, a never-ending consolation and comfort to give to those passing through
and to gird me for life and its various trials. How blessed is the place of
trust – how utterly glorious. It was necessary to seek and find, to knock and
keep knocking, ask and keep asking – to pray through to full faith and then to
let steadfastness and patience have it’s precious work in refining that faith
and produce the fruits. I stand in awe of it all and my heart is filled with
joy. This is amazing to me for I would have been exceedingly sorrowful at the
setback just a few short weeks ago.
You
desire to bring us up out of the circumstances while still in them. They are
never our masters and they have no power to destroy us. This deep inner life is
growing day by day. Its advancement is imperceptible when I look at each day
but suddenly I become aware of the fruit in bud, then in blossom, then growing
to maturity. I am not able to produce this fruit. I tried to in September when You told me what to do. I had the will but not the power to
do it. But as that Word took root, the power was there and I began to live it -
it became manifest in me. I don’t know how or when, only that it was not by my
own effort. No, it is divine life in me ever growing and taking over more and
more. Christ in me – the hope of glory!!!
January 22, 1988
Let
me try to express what is happening to me. I see more and more that it is not
the circumstances but their affect that produces bondage. You have visited me
and broken the rod of the oppressor. The circumstances still limit my physical
life but the effect of the limitation has been broken. There is no longer any
power in it. I am content and free, not because of better circumstances but
because You have delivered me from the enemy’s power
to hurt me. I have experienced how pain, disappointment, etc., although very
real, have no power – even my own feelings, as clouded as they often are, have
no power. I am definitely moving, no longer stuck in the middle of the lake.
You have caused me to move forward in the face of my enemies and continue to
make progress. And the outward realization of joy and peace, which has been
mine, although no longer depended upon, has given me such awareness of Your great love.
This
independence and freedom from feelings, circumstances, my own thoughts, doubts,
fears, weakness and inadequacy is truly abundant life. It does not depend on
outward happenings but is fulfilled in You. You told
me if I sought, I would find; and I am only now realizing my happiness in You and it is solid. It can’t be taken from me because it
does not look to the outward things, not even the feelings. So I am safe even
in pain, confusion, or weakness. Nothing can harm the inner life, which is Your
life. because You have already defeated every enemy and conquered every foe.
You have made an end of their power – their effect – the monument or memorials
are shells – powerless ghosts – to no avail – of no effect.
And
the increasing awareness that the delay in outward deliverance is storing up a
weight of glory that far outweighs – this is so excellent and even now I am
receiving the fruits – precious fruits of patience and self-control and
cherishing the goodness of them – seeing the blessedness and importance of them
– these great pearls of wisdom that lie hidden in Christ, causing me to triumph
with and in Him now.
And
the joy set before me on top of all this that is mine now causes me to overflow
with thanksgiving for Your faithfulness. Your faithfulness is my shield and
rampart – I shall not fear no matter what weakness I am feeling. Your
faithfulness shields me and carries me onward. How blessed to be conquered by
You and to know You have taken me and will never let me go. Nothing can ever
separate me from this marvelous love.
Your
joy is a real strength. You have caused me to mount up with wings – to run the
race and not grow wary – to walk and not faint. How precious are Your ways.
January 28, 1988
I
am troubled about the motivations of my heart when I share with others. I need
Your Word to come and enlighten me and also to powerfully deliver me and show
me the way of Jesus.
I
had breakfast yesterday with Elaine and Grace. I was hyper the night before and
couldn’t sleep. I was already thinking of all I would tell them. I prayed for
Your Spirit to guide me and overshadow me but I think I was already decided in
my mind how it was to be. I’m beginning to think that if I am bothered
afterward as I was, I can’t just brush it off. Perhaps You allowed me to
operate out of self to show me and clarify these things to me. I can always be
sure You took me but I must not ignore the warnings I felt afterwards that all
was not well. This does not imply I cannot trust You to control my life. It’s
just that what I think of as Your control – not letting me err in any way – may
not always be what You do, for Your interest is in making me into the image of
Jesus Christ and this involves exposing my heart and dealing with me.
All
that I shared was about You but I have to believe that the motivation
behind it was not from You. I did a “steam roller” on them – so like I
always do – as though I am appointed to teach everyone everything You teach me.
This is some need in me – some ego thing, which I’m not real sure of yet, but
it proceeds from the self-life and I want no part of it. You must clarify it
more that I am free to share when Your Spirit wants. I must operate in love -
if I have not love, I am but a clanging symbol.
Increase
in me, my Jesus – stamp Your image on me. Teach me Your ways – give rest now to
my soul. Be exalted and glorified in me, even in silence. Teach me the benefits
of silence – of a quiet spirit that flows like a river of love and healing. Let
my enthusiasm and zeal for You be channeled by Your Spirit and not misused by
my flesh. I see how subtle my flesh is in wanting to control that which is so
lovely. My lack of love proves to me the wrong motivation. Show me the
motivation that I may give You those needs. Perhaps this is the deepening of
all You showed me about pride and the law – how the need to be accepted was
channeled through them the need for attention. Bessie mentioned that Jesus came
to give and serve. Is what I perceived as giving only a cover-up for my own
need for attention, acceptance and elevation?
Forgive
me, my Savior. I know not how to be anything else but I give myself to You to
mold and make and fill me with Your love.
January 29, 1988
You
confirmed to me today that I operated in a wrong spirit by pointing me to 1
Cor. 13 – my lack of love – clanging symbol – all the faith and knowledge and
wisdom is worth nothing without love. Forgive me. Also the quiet, meek spirit
that has regard for others is totally lacking in me. 2 Peter helped me to be
encouraged that You are indeed going to work these needed things into me. I
have no idea how but I am encouraged that by exercising the patient endurance
You have been developing in me, godliness (piety – humble regard for God and
others) will be developed which, when exercised, will develop brotherly affection
and finally Christian love. How important these additions to faith are for the
Word says he who lacks these is blind, seeing only what is near to him.
I
have been spiritually self-centered. I trust You to reveal to me any motivation
of my heart I am not aware of. This is a self-thing – a pride. Utterly cleanse
me. I long for that meek and quiet spirit which pleases You. Make me slow to
speak and quick to listen. Help me to allow You to speak. May I be a listener,
weighing and discerning of each situation – speaking words of life and truth in
the Holy Spirit.
Thank
you for cleansing me. Thank you that You are my only master – no other can have
me – not of self or of the enemy. Their work only points out and clarifies to
me what is lacking in me so I can seek You more.
I
am totally dependent on You to do this in me Lord for I don’t know how. I lean
on You – I trust You that just as You have enlightened me you will deal the
deathblow to this and deliver me completely. Perhaps this is partly why I am
not to share. I am not yet able to do it totally in love and in Your Spirit;
but now I can watch and pray over this area.
February 6, 1988
How
lovely You are, my Beloved. Today I heard Your call to come and be with You
before the dawn breaks. You have wooed me and won my heart and You have called
me to be betrothed to You forever. This is our time together now, my Beloved,
when I am Yours. I know You will soon send me back as a wife and mother and I
will never be the same again because of our vows and Your covenant with me. How
delightful it is inYour presence - I could stay here forever. I am amazed at
Your love for me – how You drew me alone to Yourself – how much You want me –
and how I cherish You and know that You have betrothed me forever in
faithfulness – that I can always leap with You on Your mountains of spices –
that I will never be parted from You. This is joy overflowing. How I marvel at
Your sweetness and the intimacy of Your love.
I
pledge myself to You to be kept by You – Your faithfulness forever my shield –
Your presence forever my joy. “Before the dawn comes and the shadows fly away,
come to me, my believed and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains
of spices.” Song of Solomon 2:17.
Hosea
2:6 “I the Lord God will hedge up her way, even yours with thorns (thank you
for doing this!) and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find
her paths.”
Hosea
2:14-23 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the
desert and speak tenderly to her. There
I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of
hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came
up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD, ‘you will call me “my
husband”; you will no longer call me “my master.” I will remove the names of
the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. In that day I
will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the
air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I
will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety. I will betroth
you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and
compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the
LORD. In that day I will respond,’ declares the LORD—‘I will respond to the
skies, and they will respond to the earth; and the earth will respond to the
grain, the new wine and oil, and they will respond to Jezreel. I will plant her
for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called “Not my loved
one.” I will say to those called “Not my people,” “You are my people”; and they
will say, “You are my God”.'"
Isaiah
54:5-10 For your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name-- the
Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The
LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in
spirit-- a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.
"For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring
you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with
everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the LORD your
Redeemer. "To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the
waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be
angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and
the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my
covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Also
the rest of Isaiah 54:11-17
Isaiah
55:2-3 Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not
satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight
in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me that your soul may
live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised
to David.
Isaiah
55:12-13 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and
hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap
their hands. Instead of the thorn bush will grow the pine tree, and instead of
briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an
everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."
So
be it – amen!
February 11, 1988
The
revelation of Your love for me continues to overwhelm me. I began to see You as
High Priest and how You have always been pleading for me and taking my idols
and grinding them up and washing them away even as Moses did for Israel in
Deut. 9. You have forever made me right
with God once and for all so I need never fear and as High Priest, You are
always pleading for me in my blindness, reminding God of Your atonement so I
never need be separated from You.
Today
I realized a little more about Your love – its utter depths in that You still
love me so much that You are willing to withhold Your own glory that I might
know it. When I realized that You want my fellowship and love more than my
intercessions or fruit, I don’t know what to say. For You shared Your Heart
with me but when I came to You desiring to see You act on behalf of Your Body,
You wanted me to want You first – even more than that – even more than seeing
Your glory. And yet You showed me long ago how great is Your desire to be
glorified in me and in Your Body, but even more than that is Your intense
desire to love me and have me love You and know Your love – for me to know you
as a Person, not just what You do – for me to be intimately acquainted as a
dearly beloved one – not just a far off, watching Your power. I can’t express
what You showed me very well – the complete pouring out of Yourself, not only
at the Cross and as High Priest but in being willing to lay Your glory down
even still in order for me to have Your love. For if I have all wisdom and all
faith, it is still nothing without Your love. You led me away from all else,
even what I could do through You in prayer for Your Body for You wanted me to
know Your love even more than to use me for Your glory. If I should never know
anything else, I know the greatest thing (at least in part). If I should never
go beyond this place but spend my life in fellowship with You my life will have
been the best and lacking in nothing for when I have You I truly have
everything.
This
time has been filled with weakness, physical harassments and temptations but I
know You are on my side and, if You are for me, who can prevail against me? No
one although my flesh is often weak and my emotions flounder, You are the
strength of my heart and my portion forever.
March 6, 1988
I
am realizing more and more the wonderful intimacy You desire to have with Your
people. Although I spent much time with You, it was always centered around
intercession or prayers for my own spiritual development. The praise and
worship was almost always a means to get to the intercession. I know what it
was to know Your heart for the Body and this made me feel close to You. And
then when You told me to wait, I began to hear You more and more as You showed
me more of my heart and divided the soul and spirit. My waiting then became a
quest for spiritual excellence and revelation. It was only recently that I
realized what You were leading up to by having me cease from asking and to
wait. You wanted to reveal Your love. You wanted fellowship. You wanted me.
Prayer
had always been for the main purpose of presenting to You requests, even those
that came from Your heart but my relationship with You was based on that and
not love until just now. All that had to cease so I could begin to relate to
You personally and begin to understand Your intimate love. It was only then
that You called me away to be with You and I began to realize that communion
was even a higher calling than intercession – it is what You made us for and
intercession is just on outgrowth of communion. We must reach that place of
oneness in You and as Your love has been revealed more and more I have realized
the safety I have in You and have been flooded with love for You and an intense
desire to be with You and to cause You joy and to see You glorified. How much
You deserve our time and our praise – our coming to be with You apart from
asking. How mistaken I was in my priorities – how delightful to minister to You
and rest in Your love – this is our first calling and it is the entrance into
that which is beautiful and joyful beyond description. In Your presence there’s
no need to ask or plead – everything fades to the background in the hugeness of
You and Your perfection. And the awareness of perfect love truly does cast out
all fear. I know intercession will be much different when it springs from this
deep, intimate relationship of Father and child, Savior and bride. For I am
Your beloved and You are mine and You have betrothed me to You in faithfulness
and stability.
Even
greater than Your desire for Your glory to be revealed is for Your love to be
revealed – the maturation – the essence of all You do. Even after Your
suffering on the Cross and agonizing death You did not rush off to Your glory
but set it aside to preach to those in the prisons of Hades and to restore
Peter.
You
desire to show Your glory more than we even want to see it but You want to
reveal it out of Your love to Your beloved, not just display it. You want to
share it with us – to include us in it. It is all too wonderful for words. Show
me what to share with the donors Lord. Give me food for them.
Thank
you for the large financial gifts. We are overwhelmed by Your goodness. We are
also beginning to understand the joy and blessing of giving. It is our
privilege and joy to invest in heaven – the money that was given for our
personal use is used personally when we give for it goes into our
heavenly account where it will multiply and be a greater source of blessing to
the Kingdom and to us than any way we could use it here. It is marvelous to
begin to realize this.
March 11, 1988
“This
is not the time to shrink back.”
Heb
10:23,24 - ”Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who
promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward
love and good deeds.”
Heb
10:35-37 – “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will
receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is
coming will come and will not delay.”
Heb
12:12,23 “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ‘Make level
paths for your feet,’ so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”
Is.
62:10,11 Pass through, pass through the gates! Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway! Remove the stones. Raise a banner for the
nations. The LORD has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: ”Say to the
Daughter of Zion, 'See, your Savior comes! See, his reward is with him, and his
recompense accompanies him.'"
See
all of Isaiah 61-62 – word for today
Is.
40:3 - A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the LORD
; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.
Is.
40:9,10 - You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who
bring good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up,
do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, "Here is your God!" See,
the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward
is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.
Is.
61:1-4 – The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has
anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the
brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness
for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of
vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who
grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil
of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of
despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for
the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore
the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been
devastated for generations.
Is.
61:6-11 - And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named
ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their
riches you will boast. Instead of their shame my people will receive a double
portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so
they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be
theirs. "For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity. In my
faithfulness I will reward them and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the
peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has
blessed." I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For
he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of
righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride
adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a
garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and
praise spring up before all nations.
March 29, 1988
I
have been meaning to write – I am learning something so valuable about
receiving from You what I need. These last few weeks have become so unbearable
physically. I have felt so trapped. I began having all sorts of hopes for
spring break – what we would do, etc. As my condition became so very limiting I
felt crushed and unable to go on. My spiritual vision became clouded and my
soul’s desires grew and began taking over. My prayers became intense for the
deliverance to be now. I felt like I couldn’t live through another
Easter and birthday and spring without it. (I still have great hopes for this
season because of the significance of all I am waiting for with Your
resurrection).
What
I failed to see was what my real need was. The physical was clamoring for
attention driven by all sorts of desires to do things. Much of my pain could be
lessened without all that desire which I began to perceive as need. But You had
already told me what I need. “For you have need of steadfast patience and
endurance.” Heb. 11:36 When You gave me that word I was content and felt I
already had it. But You were telling me I still needed it and my God
shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory through
Christ Jesus.
I
had rejected that word and exalted my soul’s perception of my needs over what
You spoke. No wonder I couldn’t go on for I must get the steadfast patience and
endurance from You and I didn’t want it but something else instead. Thank you
for bringing me back to Your Word so I could repent and ask rightly what I
need. Of course You are supplying it although I still feel the pangs of my
folly. You told me ahead of time what I needed so I should have been prepared
and not surprised by the fiery trail which followed. How easy it is for get off
balance – focusing on the desires instead of continuing to do what is right.
And I know it is not that You desire that I be deprived of spring and health,
etc. It is only for a season – for a purpose – a purpose and reward that far
outweighs the present suffering. Never am I to confuse this suffering with Your
ultimate desire for me which is health and wholeness and the desire of my
heart. The process however must be endured and You are ready to meet every need
along the way to bring me there and cause me to perform Your will and enjoy to
the full all that is promised.
I
again see the need to hear from You – to know what You are doing and saying;
otherwise I become despondent, confused in trying to appropriate some promise
that is not yet being given. The healing is mine but its manifestation is yet
to come. How many stumble because they lose heart when unable to receive now what they ask. How many miss what You want to give them for truly all the
promises have their “yes” and “amen” in You, but we must be in You, receiving
from You all we need to carry them away. The purpose of all this is beyond my
limited understanding although I have some insight into Your ways in these
things as with the highway being built for others. What additional blessing
there is for me – eternal promise and reward which outweigh the physical
healing which is temporal – surely You want to give me so much and want to see
me carry it all away. How shortsighted we are in these things. It is probably
possible for me to set my will against all this and perhaps You would heal my
body because of the covenant but I would lose the eternal blessings now being
wrought – lose the wonder of participating in Your glory and opening this
highway for the revelation of Your Stripes to Your Body – oh what loss that
would be. You would find another to build the highway (or my part of it). You
would still accomplish it because You cannot be thwarted but I would suffer
loss and perhaps never have the impact You intended with the healing. I trust
You to bring me all the way – to not allow me to be overtaken in my time of
weakness. You will bring me forth as gold.
I
am aware of having known You in Your suffering and death. How wonderful it will
be to know You in Your resurrection and glory (by experience and participation).
We
had a good visit with Lloyd and Jean and Dick and Bonnie. I am tired but better
today. I don’t know what to think about Easter. My hopes are high but I dare
not assume that is the time unless You tell me for a fact it is.
But
I like to think of all it means – first Passover, then Easter and then my
birthday – so much deliverance and life being celebrated. And I can celebrate
the surety of it all and all You’ve done whether it is manifest yet or not for
it is done and I will see it soon. Help me to worship You. Open my eyes
to the wonder of Your resurrection and overshadow my soul with Your presence
and Your praises.
April 21, 1988
I
will try to write what You have shown me. I know it is Your work to perfect
this in me and that I just want to meekly and with joy receive Your Word.
In
recent weeks things were so bad. I was overcome physically and spiritually. I
could no longer go on and deny my physical needs. I became aware I was robbed.
You had healed me so much and I had been fooled into letting the enemy take it
all away and keep robbing me. Much of the vision that was sustaining and
motivating me was tainted by the enemy’s lies and my flesh, especially pride. I
had to lay it all down – what I thought You were doing and saying - to look
only at what I knew for sure: Jesus and Him crucified for me. It hurt to lay
down the visions. They had become by consolation and hope of glory and I didn’t
even know it. So I was unable to go on. Not knowing what was true and what was
tainted, I had to put it all down and when I did I realized none of it really
mattered. It is only Jesus – You are everything. As I looked at You alone I
became aware of the completeness of Your work on the Cross – “It is finished”
You said – nothing needs to be added. It is eternal and it is now. Somehow in
all my quest for understanding and to justify where I was at, I lost all hope
for now. It was always some far off future thing.
My
body and soul were overwhelmed. I could do nothing but come as a child and cry
for mercy. I sensed how much You wanted me well. All You had shown me was Your
finished work. I tried to do – to be – to lay down my life and I was robbed
more and more by the enemy who deceived me in the same old ways.
Finally
I was able to see my desperate need for prayer and healing which had been taken
from me by thinking that putting down the need was what it meant to lay down my
life – such confusion – such darkness – such pain and misery - such pride and
misunderstanding. It was good to have prayer – to be silent before You and come
as body, soul and spirit. Somehow I had become all lopsided. My spirit was
haughty in its quest for knowledge and wanted to be fat at the expense of my
soul and body. It was like a tyrant – I still question much of the Murrisma
teaching, which led me this way, but right now, it doesn’t matter. I am
following You and You will lead me into all truth and the Truth will set me
free.
Finally
I realized I was in total darkness concerning all these things, helpless, weak,
needy; but even darkness cannot hide from You. I know I was lost – I’d strayed
and ended up in the snare without knowing how but I knew You would seek that
which was lost and bandage that which was hurt.
Today
You quickened to me “The law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus made me free
from the law of sin and death.” Rom. 8:2 I began seeing the harvest that I was
reaping – a terrible harvest. (Some visitors came) Perhaps it will be better to
write this later. I trust You Holy Spirit to quicken to me Your Word and all
that has taken place today – at least what I know and can understand of it now
when I come to write this.
Praise
God. I have the Spirit of Life and the law of the Spirit of Life has set me
free from the law of sin and death that produced that awful harvest. Jesus already
reaped that awful harvest when He took my place. I gave Him the burden – I gave
Him the sin. It is gone.
Now
His resurrection power will quicken this body that has been destroyed by the
harvest. I am the planting of the Lord. See – I couldn’t help write just a
little now. I will put it in Scriptures later.
May 10, 1988 –
5:15 a.m.
The
law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death. The
life You give is marvelous – it is a heavenly life – it has no ties to earth.
You truly forgave all my sins, healed all my diseases, ransomed my life from
the pit of destruction and showed me loving-kindness and mercy. I am
overwhelmed by what this life is – Your life in me. And it is all so completely
provided for. I am to be anxious for nothing! You will provide me with
wisdom for life and direct my steps. Moment by moment Your life is a life of
redemption. Everything is made good by prayer and thanksgiving. I need not be
bowed down over what to eat, wear, etc. If I need to be taught, You will teach
me and be my wisdom.
Your
life is above the laws of earth – it is a heavenly life. It is not affected by
disease, decay, pain or all the things men fear. And if I fall You pick me up –
You have made it possible for me to live in freedom, unafraid for You
constantly redeem and keep me. I am not bound to earth but to You. Your life in
me keeps me safe. You are the source of all my life. In You I am renewed day by
day by Your strength and power. If I sin, I have an advocate. If I fall, You
pick me up. If I am deceived, You will come and set me free. You heal me as
well as forgive me. You ransom me moment by moment as You teach me and
transform me. I am free from the useless, futile way of living to live in You
and follow You and be kept by You. You have made every provision for
everything that can ever happen to me. I can never be lost to Your Spirit and
from Your love. Your covenant of peace and completeness shall not depart from
me and I will fear no destruction. Everything is taken care of – everything. You redeem me from the curse continuously and have made provision for every
lapse, every weakness. You have truly bought me back – You have restored me and
provided me with real life. I need never fear. You surround me with loving
kindness and compassion – my cup runs over. This life is marvelous and free and
You will guide and teach me moment by moment how to live and be in You. You
will produce lovely fruit in this Your branch. You have done it all. You are so
complete. You are perfect in Your provision so that I need not fear man or
myself or the enemy.
I
am not to be preoccupied with what to eat, etc. You will show me. I just live
in You and pray Your blessing. If I need to do differently You will direct me –
there is no fear. This life is life from above and is not bound by the laws of
men. It is actually Your life – Your victory over everything. I am in You and
You will keep me. You are a cleansing fountain that never runs dry. This
cleansing is complete in every way for me body, soul and spirit.
A
great and mighty salvation – perfect in every way so it is forever and ever.
Hallelujah!
Seal
me in it Lord. I want You and choose Your life eternal.
May 11, 1988
You
are my beloved in whom I am well pleased. I declare to you today that you will
no longer suffer harm. So be it Lord. I asked for confirmation.
A
little while ago Betty asked me to listen to the Baptista testimony. On it was
this: Psalm 121 “I will lift up my eyes to the hills. From whence shall my help
come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. He will not allow
my foot to slip or be moved. He who keeps me will not slumber. Behold He who
keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is my keeper; the Lord is
my shade on my right had. The sun shall not smite me by day or the moon by
night. The Lord will keep me from all evil; He will keep my life. The Lord will
keep my going out and my coming forth from this time forth and
forevermore.
Psalm
124. “If it had not been the Lord who was on our side, now may Israel (Cora)
say – if it had not been the Lord who was on my side when the enemy rose up
against me, then they would have quickly swallowed me alive when their wrath
was kindled against me. Then the water would have overwhelmed me and swept me
away – the proud waters would have swept over me. Blessed be the Lord who has
not given me as prey to their teeth! I am like a bird escaped from the snare of
the fowler. The snare is broken and I have escaped. My help is in the name of the Lord who made heaven and earth.
I will
ponder this in my heart and see what God does. Restore the damages done by the
fowler’s snare Lord.
Just
a little farther on and all who honor Me
With
joy shall prove my promise true;
They
too shall honored be.
Full
well I know thy heart’s desire
The
heights to which thou dost aspire.
Thy
love which burns with holy fire
And
all to honor Me.
Just
a little farther on – the Victor’s song
Will
then be sung by all who honor Me.
Thou
hast done well, yet still press on –
And
greater works I’ll trust to thee.
And
grander glories thou shalt see
Thus
thou shalt fully honored be –
A little farther on!
From
Ethel – there’s a prime ministry ahead. Lets just hold on and try to relax. We
don’t even need to hold Him to it – He’s faithful. Remember in the storm
when Jesus was asleep, the disciples said, “Don’t you care?” Oh Cora, He
cares, He cares, He cares and we’ll make it. Just hang in there with me.
May 16, 1988
Last
night I meditated for hours on Your provision in Christ – how utterly complete
it is. In the cross and resurrection, You utterly destroyed the curse, the
power of the enemy and sin making it possible for us to be redeemed, healed and
walk in freedom from sin and all it’s death which includes sickness. You
provided this covenant for us to enter into with You – the death and
resurrection of Jesus and our death and resurrection with Him. At the cross all
our sin past, present and future was atoned for. We were set free from the law
to be married to You and to walk in the life-giving Spirit. This is an utter
transformation occurring in us as we believe in You and enter into covenant
with You. The Spirit of Christ is in us, that very same power that resurrected
Jesus now quickens our mortal bodies also. Thus the physical is renewed and
redeemed as well as the spiritual. The penalty was paid for the spirit, soul
and body. You carried all our sin, weakness, sickness and infirmity and even
the death sentence to the grave and then rose triumphant to new life where all
these things have no power. But You also provided for any lapses due to our
blunders, shortcomings, and deception by the enemy so that we could
continuously be restored to You and healed and cleansed from anything that
tainted us after beginning our new life with You. You were totally thorough so
we would never need fear the future or the possibility of failure as we walk
the earth. The redemption You provide is both complete and instant and
continuous for the rest of our days because we still live in this world and are
still subject to falls and being deceived although it is not Your desire or
plan that that happens. It is our weakness You took into account our inability
when You made continuous provision for all that could happen to us if we missed
Your will. We have the Holy Spirit to teach us and lead us into all truth – to
expose the darkness and sin. We have the Blood to cleanse us and an Advocate if
we fall. We have healing, anointing with oil, prayer and the Stripes and the
promise that if the sickness was caused by sin it too will be cleansed. So we
walk in continual renewal and redemption.
The
broadness of the place You have prepared for us is beyond all description – how
enormous and measureless is Your grace as well as Your power to perform in us
all theses things. But You took great pains to assure us of our welcome and
peace with You and provision for all our failure in the future. This is not to
imply the expectation of failure but is assurance of every possibility being
met in You. So we are restored magnificently by the ongoing work of Christ
after our redemption at the Cross and the reversal of our previous life of sin
and death – our new birth.
I
am so impressed by the thoroughness of safety assured to these in Christ. And
if His death made us friends of God while we were yet sinners, how much more
will His life do in us now that we are His friends. If He gave His Son for us,
how much more will He give us everything else?
And
so we are now free to be His bride. This union with Him is our sonship with Him
in God the Father and so we are joint heirs. I thought of how Jim “earns” and
manages our resources. When I married him, I took his name as mine. I use his
name and all his resources are mine. I sign his name and the bank gives me his
money as if I am him. So it is with us in union with Christ – all the resources
of God are mine in Him – in His name for I know am in His name – it is mine too
and the authority that goes with it. All this so He can produce His lovely
fruit in me – no longer a harvest of sin and death but of righteousness and
peace - health and well being for the furtherance of His Kingdom. I can’t
describe it at all to the enormity of it – on this I ponder for hours in
worship before the Throne
July 10, 1988
You
want to do My works, you want to see my power and I long to do this through you
and in you – herein is the Father glorified in the Son that whatsoever you ask
in My Name I will do. But you have not loved Me. You have not loved My Kingdom.
You have only desired My works so things will be better for you here on earth.
But I want Your hearts, not part but all of them. Do you think I enjoy
withholding My glory? But of more importance to Me is Your heart, that they be
circumcised and purified, that your motivation be My motivation, your thoughts,
My thoughts. How can you come to Me to do My works and seek My face and then
live in the world with no thought for My Kingdom? Your hearts are divided and a
kingdom divided against itself cannot stand. Oh the wonderful thing I have
prepared for you if you will only let Me live in you. You must die in order to
live. I cannot patch up your old nature – it must die. There is nothing of
value. You must live in me. I will give you a completely new heart and a new
spirit. I will write my laws on your heart so you will love My ways. I am a
mighty deliverer, but you have not wanted the freedom I give. How deceived you
are. The riches of the world blind you so you are like Esau, satisfying your
immediate hunger and throwing away your birthright. I would have you wait for
Me for I will teach you the way that you should go. The moment you are not
satisfied you make your own way and you do not wait for the Truth, for the real
satisfaction that comes from me. Your walls are broken down and the enemy runs
rampant through the gaps. Oh listen to Me, my children for I love you. You do
not know the way for you are blind but I will lead the blind by a way they have
not known. If you will humble yourselves I will set you free. I will do all I
have said in My Word. I will bring rivers of refreshing and will raise up the
ruins and rebuild your walls on the firm foundation of My Son. You cannot build
on any other foundation. You must come through the cross. You cannot climb up
any other way and still be Mine for I tell you many will come to Me and say,
“Lord, Lord, I did these works in Your Name” and I will say, “Depart from me. I
never knew you.” Do not desire to do My works if You do not desire My life!
Many have been deceived by the pull of power – the lust for power – it is
blinding as the rest of the world and it comes from the pit and not from my
Spirit. If you would truly be My servant you will hear Me now – you will tend
to your own heart – you will return to me and let me teach you – you will come
away with Me and learn of Me – you will grow in Me and abide in Me. Then will
my works flow from you as a natural spring of life for you will know in that
day that I am in you and you are in Me and you will be able to hear my voice
regularly. You will not follow any other voice. Oh my children hear me and rend
your hearts. Offer me your life, not just your works. How long must I withhold
My glory? The Son of Man suffers still – His soul is not satisfied. He longs to
impart true righteousness and freedom. What good are healed bodies and
delivered ones if they are not given wholly to Me? Come to Me now and I will
teach you and lead you on the paths of righteousness. I will make you white as
snow and do a work in your own heart, which is eternal. Then will you offer
those sacrifices that are pleasing; then will My life be lifted up; then will I
draw all men unto Me and confirm My words, which I will put in your mouth.
Come.
August 10, 1988
At
all costs avoid any tendency to be identified with any movement. Don’t initiate
one or try to organize one and at all costs don’t miss the move of God.
Anointed people are going to have the most serious problem and are likely to
miss the move of God. People strong and secure are likely to try to create a
movement when the move of God starts.
Fight
that tendency. You’re incomplete if you’re not connected.
Know
God’s calling.
Know
God’s anointing to do it.
Know
what you’re anointed to do; the anointing – not the Baptism or filling
It
must be a sovereign work of God
A
special touch for a specific task can be seasonal or for a lifetime
It’s
positional and has to be in place in the Body.
You
need to be connected – check of the Holy Spirit
September 9, 1988
Such
a long time has gone by and I just never wrote. So much has gone on inside me
although the time has been agonizingly slow in many ways. I’ve been through all
sorts of attempts to pray, hear, understand and obey. I’ve cried out day and
night for vengeance on my enemies. And yet these last few weeks have been
different. I went through many battles resisting and opposing the enemy,
fighting until I was exhausted from the constant watch. I guess I finally
burned out – I could see no fruit, only exhaustion, confusion and worsening of
my physical condition. I was forced to stop. Even the Word became confusing. My
whole approach was to get direction – to try to find out what to do and what
was wrong. I think I have not trusted You but have been striving and anxious in
my spiritual life. I saw myself all knotted up. No wonder I can’t digest my
food. I have not been able to rest in You and let You lead me, but I have
persisted in my doubts and sought to find how to get where You want me to go. I
have been as a drowning person, flailing and fighting his rescuer. Surely I
have demanded to know the way – have been unable to accept and be comforted and
strengthened in the way I’ve been led. I have fought God for I did not think
You would lead me this way. I couldn’t accept it and was in constant turmoil
and agitation in spite of Your promise to rescue, protect and help me and hold
my hand. I felt a weight leave when I let go and gave You my hand willingly –
not requiring to know or understand the way. Surely You will keep me and I need
not be afraid. And so I rest in You, knowing I have entered a covenant with You
and You cannot fail to do all You promised.
I
realize that my own failures cannot separate me from Your love – the enemy
can’t and You won’t. If I cannot discern You or Your will for me, Your love is
still constant and dependable. When I sit in darkness I can depend and lean
hard on You. I do not have to know the way. It is enough to know You
lead.
I
can’t really describe what is happening to me – it is something that is driving
me to the Person Jesus – not to my ability to discern the Word or know Him from
my devotions. My failures in this has caused a turning away from my effort to
trusting and leaning on the Person Jesus Christ who is my Lord, Savior,
Deliverer and Redeemer.
September 30, 1988
Today
I saw a little more about Your protection and plan as I thought about the
finches. Peanut and Pixie have battled with feet mites for months. We have
medicated them which in itself is traumatic and misunderstood by them and yet
they get no better. Recently I realized their nest is a breeding ground and
harboring place for the mites so I removed it, sterilized the perches and
cleaned the cage with bleach. I began to think of how cruel the plan of
deliverance must seem to them who are unaware of the enemy’s plans against
them. Not only do they lose their eggs (the medicine would kill the babies if
we let them hatch) but their cozy place of security and comfort – and at a time
when their feet are sore and blistered - they are forced to perch at night
instead of cuddle in their soft nest. In my plan to rid them of their enemies
there is timing involved. The plan for deliverance takes time. Meanwhile the
enemy forces have multiplied and load troops right where the finches take their
comfort – that is where the enemy will try to overtake them and undo the effect
of the medicine.
I
began to see that in our lives when we are captive to some enemy and pray for
deliverance, there is a plan for deliverance. The Lord knows exactly how and
when to deliver in the way that will destroy the work of the enemy, not just
reduce it but destroy it and remove it. He knows the traps set for us and in
order to protect us You may have to keep us from our place of comfort and ease
when the multitude of enemy hosts looks to undo any freedom we have received.
How we question – how cruel it often seems while I am waiting for healing. Why
must I be so limited – why suffer so? Little do I know the traps set for me if
I were loosed just a little more, allowed just a little more pleasure and ease.
The enemy must be annihilated and that is God’s plan. The way He takes me is
the safe way although I may hurt and long for my comfort and ease.
How
much the little birds cannot understand. Why do they need to hurt so? Yet I
know this will save them in the end. Even so, I hurt for them, I suffer at
their lack of trust and long to assure them of the good intentions I have
toward them. And so does the Lord as He suffers with us, longs for our trust
and desires to express His plans for good and not for evil.
Thank
you Lord. Though the way I take is hard, only You know what traps were set for
me if I were to go free now. You are delivering me also from bondage to
clothes, things, etc. I don’t yet know Your way. The enemy longs to ensnare me
and sets his traps but the restrictions, though painful, have kept me from
being overcome until the time is right and I am ready and the way prepared.
November 7, 1988
Oh
Lord, how can I possibly express what is in my spirit which is so far beyond
the human mind? Please Holy Spirit anoint me as I record the deep secrets of
darkness – the richness of Your works.
We
sent out the letter about my physical condition and much prayer has been made
for us. It is so amazing what happened. I began to be assaulted with doubt
about prayer. My eyes were very much on the physical – my vision so distorted.
The enemy tried to take me with fear – dreams where I didn’t know if I was
awake or asleep and I was so threatened with dark powers seeking to carry me
off. I discovered I didn’t need to even be able to speak Your Name – they
sometimes paralyze my voice. I need only call in my heart and You hear and
deliver me – You are always with me. I was assaulted with such terrible
thoughts I cried for days in constant, repeated repentance, appalled at my
state.
Then
you showed me the thoughts were not mine and the accuser from whom they came
was giving them to me and then accusing me of unfaithfulness. Although they did
not immediately subside I was greatly strengthened to stand and not acknowledge
them although my flesh and sight forced them to be quiet according to
experience. I realized that as totally weak and unable as I am, there is a
strange inner life, which is quite indestructible, born of an imperishable seed
and nurtured by the Almighty. I saw that I am indeed kept by You.
I
had a definite awareness of the fact that Your angels are there with me and far
outnumber the demons. I had a direct encounter where they assisted me (though
unseen) when I was unable to get up. Shortly after this I was assaulted in the
realm of fantasy from which You delivered me long ago. I was half asleep and
weakened and the desire for tangible comfort was so stirred up in me that I
fell prey to the old fantasy thing. I soon became aware of a soothing presence
touching me and speaking audibly in a low, hypnotic voice. I was enjoying it
and thought it might be a ministering angel. But as I realized the state of sin
from which this came my spirit cried out for it to depart from me. There was
the sound “shhh!” and then my mind cleared immediately. I knew I had been
visited by an evil spirit. How wonderful to realize that my poor, weak body,
being too weak to resist and overcome, was kept by the Mighty One and delivered
by the every present Holy One who dwells in me.
I
continued to go through much sorrow and temptation – longings, tears and
sufferings. It was only recently that I began to realize these are like birth
pangs thrusting out a new creature born of God. These death things are bringing
new life. The disappointment still hurts but within me is an agreeing spirit
that can rejoice in everything that brings death to the old nature. Even while
my flesh crumbles and weeps, my spirit exults in the new life emerging. It is
an indescribable thing. Life out of death. One thing I am aware of is a new
embracing of the Cross – the joy unspeakable of the Cross and a longing for it
that makes my suffering bearable and filled with a depth of joy in spirit.
The
recent revelation of salvation and the law of the Spirit of Life continues to
grow. It is still not seen in this realm but is like precious seed planted in
the soil of my broken heart and watered with tears. Surely it will bear its
fruit in season.
You
also made me so aware that it is not some strange, bewildering thing that is
happening to me nor am I the only one ever to endure such testings, as it so
often seems. I think as I began to see this as my work – to suffer with Christ
and for Him (the illness is not the real suffering and of course not at all the
goal although it too is used to awaken the true suffering of the Savior in me).
I was able to accept and embrace my life in the process it is in, not just the
glorious end I am hoping for. I see the preciousness of entering into the
fellowship of His suffering – the anguish of heart for the Kingdom where I have
often wished away has become a precious fellowship and evidence of the great
love and sharing of my Savior’s life. I have discovered that the Kingdom means
more to me than my personal hopes on this earth. My flesh does not feel this
and my spirit is at times overwhelmed by the fleshly pains but it is in fact
true because it is You actually keeping me and moving me and You cannot fail.
It has blessed me to really see this love for the Kingdom formed in me that is
able to want that more then “all these other things” which are to be added unto
me. I see the pearl of great price and that there is nothing to compare in any
of my experiences with earthly joy.
The
visions of the road being built back to Zion burns within me. I am so aware
that these roads are built on the heart’s blood of the saint. They will be
straight and smooth roads for others to cross over into the blessings of God.
Many have died in faith building these roads. The Kingdom will come rushing in
and no one will know how or why – the price that was paid by those who saw and
understood the great price and could not let that soul remain unsatisfied and
that suffering be in vain. But oh the blessedness of those who were chosen to
participate whether they are here on earth or hereafter. I realized I was
willing and wanted only to honor You and remain true to You in life or in
death. My weak creature is so unable to do this – never have I been more aware
of the total weakness of my being and inability. It drives me to You where I
find I am kept- even every fall is only more dross being burned off. You know
perfectly how to bring me here. And the Word of reassurance that I am to
conquer in this life also blesses me and gives me hope.
I
am casting my cares in a new way – all the physical ones as well as my concerns
for my loved ones and the Kingdom. I am aware of an ongoing communion and love
between us Lord and I am privileged to suffer with You. I do not always feel
this way but I trust the One Who has done this to keep me and present me
faultless. This is an amazing thing for I so clearly see my utter weakness
while seeing the Divine Treasure and it’s complete strength.
The
blessedness of patience is becoming more real to me as I see how it is the
means of growth – of transformation and I am greatly encouraged to persevere with
joy. Whether or not I will continue to feel it is not as threatening to me as
it used to be. I am so convinced that it is Your faithfulness that will bring
me safely to the goal and that every hurt along the way will only thrust me
further along no matter how dark and despairing it may seem and feel at the
time. I am able to commit Jim and the children to You with a new sense of awe
at Your greatness and workings.
Oh
there is no way to tell this; it is too great for human words. The pain and joy
combined are not understandable with the mind and certainly not the way of man.
Yes, I am convinced that You are in me and the Lord my God is a mighty God. “We
know how happy they are now because they stayed true.” James 5:11
“I
can rejoice too when I run into problems and trials for I know that they are
good for me – they help me learn to be patient. And patience develops strength
of character in me and helps me trust God more each time I use it until finally
my hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, I am able to
hold my head high no matter what happens and know that all is well for I know
how dearly God loves me.” Romans 5:3-5
I
experienced this as my desires for human attention arose and were frustrated in
so many ways – how blessed to know You will not let me come to harm for
weakness in the flesh but will conquer them in me and even while I weep with
hurt, my inner man rejoices and grows stronger.
I
commit my body to You who will conquer every enemy. I do not submit to the
destruction of my body but endure knowing that when I am given over to death in
any way it is so that resurrection life of Jesus may be evidenced in my mortal
body. And so I commit anew these things to Your Spirit who will overcome and
has overcome sin and death.
Being
punished isn’t enjoyable while it is happening – it hurts! But afterwards I can see the result, a quiet growth in grace and character.” Heb. 12:11
When
my patience is finally in full bloom, then I will be ready for anything, strong
in character, full and complete.” James 1:4
When
I see all that salvation is meant to be (as small as my understanding is) how I
groan for the Body and the darkness. At first I almost wished I couldn’t see –
it hurts so much and seems so futile to carry such anguish in my heart. But oh
the joy of realizing it is my Savior sharing His heart – it is His pain and
anguish and He ever searches the earth for hearts to bear it with Him – to
enter into the priesthood with Him – fellowship in His pain. How unutterably
blessed am I because of the new revelation of Your love for me. And the
knowledge that this communion bears fruit here on earth – being partakers with
my Savior to bring forth in prayer all His atoning work He has accomplished –
this is not a fruitless, barren pain no matter what I see here for surely it
bears much fruit which I may never be visibly aware of here on earth. All
praise to the King.
December 27, 1988
In
quietness and confidence shall be your strength. Only a little while longer and
the coming One will come. For your shame will be a two-fold recompense and the
glory once of your captors will be yours.
Remember
how dark My plan looked and foolish in the Cross? But it was the way I defeated
the principalities and powers. They participated in bringing about their own
downfall. So it is with you – you will be the spoils! All that has been done against you is done
against Me and I will repay says the Lord. Your shame shall be their shame.
According to your days of evil shall you see days of good and blessing.
Soon
– very soon – can you wait just a little longer for Me? Don’t be afraid for I
am with you. I will never, never forsake you. I will never let you down or be
consumed. I will help you. I will hold you up with My strong right arm. For
your sorrow you will have joy; for your darkness, light. It is not all up to
you. Rest in Me. Don’t worry about your weakness. My power shows up best in
weak people. Rejoice and be glad because the Truth endures to all generations.
I will make you a transformed trophy of my grace and power, a monument to Me
that shall not be cut off.
You
spoke to me in my despair. I failed to record the essence of it although there
was more. The start was actually a reminder of what You did and accomplished
through the Cross, which looked like a defeat to all who watched. I was feeling
defeated and You assured me I am not but I do understand I am of great value
and You are working a great victory. So will You make Your manifold wisdom
known to the principalities and powers?
January 9, 1989
I
will keep the pledge I made to you when you were young. I will establish an
everlasting covenant with you forever. Ez. 16:60
“For
I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you
will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will
seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jer. 29:11-13
I
will not abandon you or fail to help you. Josh. 1:5
Every
good thing the Lord had promised them came true. Josh. 21:45
God
is not a man that He should lie. He doesn’t change His mind like humans do. Has
He ever promised without doing what He said? Num. 23:19
Understand
therefore that he Lord your God is the faithful God who for a thousand
generations keeps His promises and constantly loves those who love Him and who
obey His commands. Deut. 7:9
He
never forgets His promises. Ps. 111:5
So
don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live
one day at a time. Matt. 6:34
See
Is. 49:15, 16 and Zeph. 3:17
You
have given us a banner to rally to; all who love truth will rally to it. Ps.
60:4
They
will reverence and glorify the name of God from west to east. For He will come
like a flood tide driven by Jehovah’s breath. Is. 5:19
May
there be shouts of joy when we hear the news of your victory, flags flying with
praise to God for all He has done for you. Ps. 20:5
The
Lord has vindicated us. Come let us declare in Jerusalem all the Lord our God
has done. Jer. 51:10
How
we thank God for all of this. It is He who makes us victorious through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Rom.8: 37
Overwhelming
victory is ours through Christ who loved us enough to die for us. 1 Cor. 15:57
Prove
yourself to be a real soldier by fighting the Lord’s battles. 1 Sam. 18:7
Take
courage and work for I am with you says the Lord of Hosts. Don’t be afraid.
Hag. 2: 4,5
Look
around you! Vast fields of human souls are ripening all around us and are ready
now for reaping. John 4:35
His
coming will not be delayed much longer. Heb 10:37
1989
– The Year of Hope, Confidence and Joy
Yet
he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was
strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God
had power to do what he had promised. Rom. 4: 20,21
Not
only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering
produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope
does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by
the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Rom. 5: 3-5
Reckon
it nothing but joy … whenever you find yourself hedged in by the various
trails; be assured that the test of your faith leads to power of
endurance! James 1: 2,3 Weymouth
At
the end of 1988 I fell pretty hard. Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but …”So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to
persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he
has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come
and will not delay.” Heb. 10: 35,37
January 24, 1989
Each
morning I have been hearing Your voice and it is precious. You spoke to me of
the importance of Your Word – of the soil of my heart – of the tactics of the
enemy to take Your Word. I saw how easy it is to let it go when it is tested. I
saw also how all my worldly craving so stirred up lately was designed to choke
Your Word by which You are guiding me. How I thank You for Your Word.
I
see how I need to guard it. It is my life. It is the power of salvation – Your
Gospel – it is what revives – it is Your communicating with me.
I
see that although You reveal what You are going to do in and for me, I need
Your Word each day. I need to hear what You are doing now so I can be at peace
and praise You. I need daily direction.
How
wonderful to know You want to give it. I don’t need to agonize and struggle as
I so often have because I took Your revelation and the fact I did not yet see
manifestation as a sign something was wrong. All along You meant the hope as an
anchor for my soul. Meanwhile You guide me there with Your Word, giving me
every good thing I need along the way – power to endure, power in faith,
guidance and peace. How foolish I have been to fight so for the “end” and miss
all You are giving on the way.
Yes,
all is well and even now I am more than a conqueror. I shall take much from the
enemy and he shall be cut off.
You
showed me Richard in the palm of Your Hand. He needs to recover. You know what
He needs. I love Your plan. All is well. How I question sometimes, but You are
there and I can cast all my cares upon You and know You are at work. How great
this is even when I see and feel nothing and all is dark. It is in knowing You
that Light comes bursting in. How I love you.
And
I see the roots going down. To fight to break through and get out more without
Your direction is to fight against You – to lose some of the richness and
strength You are preparing in me. I will emerge at just the right time. I don’t
need to devise ways to come out any sooner. You are deep at work in the midst
of me and I am assured of salvation in every way You have revealed.
No,
people cannot understand and it is not my job to convince them. I need only
rest in You and commune with You and be at peace and let You do all You want.
They will see in the end that it was good. Put a watch over my lips. The
earthly pleasures and goals are not where it’s at for now and I must lay them
down for this season and rest in the inner depths of where I am. It is peaceful
and good and a place of confidence. Only when I try to make a way out, thinking
this is wasteful or because of men’s pressure do I become agitated and
confused. Your voice brings peace and hope and confidence. I am learning to
know it. You do not want me shaken by men’s ideas and reasonings.
A
time of shaking is at hand and there will be much confusion in the church. But
You are preparing Your standards which will be lifted high -Your plantings
being rooted which will rise up in the day of confusion and give light and
truth and help to Your weary ones who had no root.
March 5, 1989
How
I wish I had written all the beautiful things You spoke to me today. I have
heard You more and more when I am quiet. But I have been under severe attack
mentally and physically and I’m really fogged up. Jim and the kids prayed.
Yesterday was awful all day. This morning You talked to me for a long time.
I
am not to be afraid. You are the God of encouragement. All those discouraging
thoughts are from the enemy. I am weak and it is okay because You are strong. I
am surrounded by many angels who guard my life. If it were not so I would have
perished long ago and You are in me and with me. You will never leave me. You
always hear my call and will always help me. You have prepared this path. It is
Your path. It is hard and You know it; but there are many joys ahead – more
than I can imagine. Your love is great.
Soon
the blessings will be seen and everyone will know You have blessed me. You want
me to know I am blessed now. I am already a monument in heavenly places. It is
Your joy when I trust and praise You now – this really honors You. It will be
easy later on (when the monument is seen by all). Now is when I can really make
You happy.
I
don’t need to fear my weakness, lapses and falling. You will bring me all the
way. You know I can’t do it and have planned to rescue me from every snare.
There is no snare of the enemy or self You will not take care of. I am
irrevocably Yours and nothing can ever snatch me from You. Your plans for me
are established and will not be late in their fulfillment.
I
can come to You for encouragement and refreshing. You will continue to speak to
me. I don’t need to be afraid. Your Spirit will remind me of all You’ve said
and will continue to teach me. I can cast all my desires, needs and burdens on
You. You will sort them out and do what is best. Soon I will see – now I can be
joyful because I believe.
I’m
not to be afraid of my weakness. You see me as perfect – nothing to chide me
for. You will always defend me and pick me up. You are not disappointed or
angry. But I can make You glad and make you sing. This is my opportunity to
minister to You and bless You, as I will not be able to do in the day of
manifestation. These are very special days in Your sight. I can rest in You –
all is well. I am safe – very safe. You love to talk to me and will continue to
tell me all I need to comfort and encourage me.
The
way is hard but it is right and there are many blessings. You will keep me in
it. Remember Jesus who rejoiced and called us His joy – Who willingly suffered
so we could all share in His reward and blessing. (I was wondering why some
have an easy way yet share the blessing in the end. I must love that and see
that is my joy)
All
Your ways are right. Little do I know the lack of those whose ways are easy. So
much is prepared for me. I am honored. I am chosen. You can work however You
choose. I am not to judge. And little do I know the burdens others bear and the
blessing many missed because they’ve chosen the easy way.
You
have given many reminders of the angels. If my eyes were opened, I would be
amazed. How great Your love – Your desire for me to know all is well – to be
encouraged. Thank you Lord.
You
will take care of all the flesh problems I am struggling with. I am to turn
away from thoughts of them or what to do. I am to live for You and in You. You
will do the rest. I will learn and see and understand the Way as I keep
following You. I can never be lost to You.
April 19, 1989
You
spoke to me for a long time this morning. I have been so anxious and fearful
over this cushion and decision we are making. You came to me and showed me how
You wanted me to have freedom, joy and peace. I am to commit my way to You and
trust. You do not always (or even that often) tell me directly what to do. When
You do I must obey. But for the most part I make plans that seem right and
commit everything to You. I am to ever carry the weight of it. I have been
double minded and unstable and therefore unable to receive anything from You.
You are interested more in my heart – my leaning on You – than my actual
decision in this realm. You know me perfectly and know everything I will do. I
had the sense of Your greatness and plan which involves Your knowledge of me
and what I do. It is not so much the decision but my trust in You (unless You
directly tell me to do or not do a thing.)
How
much grief I have had because of these fears and misunderstandings. You are
totally for me. You want my trust and when I ask You to help me, You will. My
eyes have been on my weakness in a fearful way instead of Your mastery and
lordship and greatness. You will open and close doors. You will not let me go.
You will take care of me. You want me free – not fearful – knowing You will
alter my course and are totally able to change my situation should I err or
misunderstand.
You
also assured me of Your love and that my heart was like David’s heart - You are
pleased. But You grieve over my anxieties. I am to cast them all on You. Which
way I go is not as important as committing and trusting and knowing You order
my steps in Your great wisdom and knowledge of me. What a freedom You have
given me – such rest, joy and peace if I will only live in You this way.
My
eyes have focused more on what to do – this usually doesn’t matter as much as
the committing and trusting. Of course I am to listen and ask for direction but
never in a fearful way. You can stop me or open wide doors. You know me better
than I do and know exactly how to lead me. You want me to have the freedom and
peace and joy of a small child.
I
am to expect Your help and not be fearful because I don’t know if I did right.
The issue is my heart, not my actions. This realm is not that important; it is
just the setting for me to learn to trust and rest. It was wonderful and
freeing when Your Word reminded me and gave me hope and took away my fear of
trying the cushion and committing it to You and asking Your help with it,
knowing You are with me to help me in all I do.
Surely
You want to teach me to trust. I always try to figure out and rob myself of
Your help and blessings. I must relax and occupy – do what seems best and make
plans but leave the outcome to You, trusting in Your goodness and love.
It
was precious – Your voice – Your Word is great. Surely Your Word defeats fear
and anxiety – they have to flee. Your name is exalted above all things and You
have exalted Your Word above Your Name. I love Your Word! I love You Lord!
June 20, 1989
Psalm
41:3 The Lord will sustain, refresh and strengthen me on my bed of languishing; my bed, You O Lord will turn, change and transform in my illness.
Vs.
2 The Lord will protect me and keep me alive; I shall be called blessed in the
land; and You will not deliver me to the will of my enemies.
Word studyLanguish – to become weak or feeble;
droop or fade; to lose activity and vigor; to pine under unfavorable
conditions; to pine with desire or longing for
What
You will do:
Synonym – power, force, might
Strength is capacity to manifest energy; to endure and resistPower
is capacity to do work and to act
Force
is the exercise of power
One
has the power to do something. He exerts force when he does it and he has
sufficient strength to complete it. Might is power or strength in an
overwhelming degree.
In
my illness He will:
All my bed!! Hallelujah
June 23, 1989
Walk on water – Psalm 12, 111, 116, 42: 2,3, 66
When
asking the Lord if I should fight for healing – to take it by resisting all the
waves, He said no. To resist will be to be swept under. I must rest and relax.
Then it is the waves themselves that will lift me up and carry me to the shore!
Thank you Lord.
This
does not imply giving up. NO WAY. I am not to faint – only to persevere in an
attitude of trust and rest, letting God bring me to the place He has prepared
for me.
I
am to resist looking at the waves in fear. The temptations that come because of
the waves are meant to make me fight in the wrong way so I will be swept under.
These (temptations) must be resisted but the waves themselves are my chariot to
God.
Remember
the difference between the circumstances (waves) and the temptations that arise
in them.
August 7, 1989
This
time of furlough is of You. It is a good time – a glorious time. It is a
honeymoon. We will be united to each other and to You as one – a three-fold
cord which cannot be separated. Your plan will unfold. We will be blessed in
the land of preparation. You will lead us slowly out. Everything we do will be
blessed. It will seem like the new anointing but it is only the preparation. We
will see much of Your glory but nothing compared to the days after our
preparation.
We
will be refreshed as by dew and health and strength renewed. We will be much
together and happiness and joy will flood our souls and home. Everyone will
know we are blessed and will be drawn to You through us. You will lay upon me
health and healing and open doors. I will not be brought to confusion and
chaos. You will lead slowly back to fullness of physical life but fullness of
life in being with You has already begun.
You
will take care of my parents and they will see me in the healing. All our
travels will be ordered by You but we will have much time in solitude and
preparation. You will cause us to want You and hear Your voice. We will not
make haste.
I
heard so much I can’t remember it all. You have not forgotten me. I will never
imagine all the good You have done. We will have years of joy in service and
years of happiness even though the world gets darker. Because I have humbled
myself and not picked up my life, You will exalt me and do for me in great
abundance.
Our
marriage bed will be blessed and we will have a honeymoon and new love such as
we’ve never known and time to love each other and grow into You together. Amen.
August 16, 1989
A
time of shaking is coming upon the church of Jesus Christ. But You are
preparing Your pillars that the church shall stand in that day. “He who
overcome will I make a pillar in the temple of my God.” These are ones whose
roots are going down deep. They will arise as standards of the Lord, lifted
high in the days of evil as signposts leading back to Zion. They will stretch
forth and point the way and give light and truth to those which have no roots
and are tossed about. Some have come through the fires, some through the flood
but they have all come through the Blood and are standing on the firm
foundation of the Word, strengthened with all might in the inner man, able to
stand, able to support, having learned obedience through the thing they have
suffered.
You
are equipping them and preparing the way in the wilderness, casting up a
highway to our God, removing the obstacles and building a straight, smooth path
for others to follow. This is God’s doing and it is marvelous.
September 11, 1989
How
wrong I’ve been – how I’ve fallen – how I’ve misunderstood.
Embrace
endurance from the Lord. Seek and pray for it. Pray for those called to this
work God is doing in His church. You have longed for deliverance and even
judgment but there is a preparation before the wind of holiness can blow. This
is the preparation of the roads to Zion being prepared from every place where
My people have been scattered. They are prepared by those sent deep into
captivity in order to overcome through faith in the revelation of My work and
My Kingdom – who have laid their lives down to endure and prove My Word. Pray
for this power for it comes from Me – you cannot do it.
If
my judgments were to come now and My wind were to blow many would be lost and
blown away. But I am preparing roads to Zion for My people to flee to Zion. And
I am casting up highways to Myself through the suffering and endurance of My
called ones. They will arise as beacon lights and sign posts in the day of My
wind to help those who had no root. Before My deliverance I must shake My
church and before I shake it I must prepare a way for My people so they can
return to Me.
Embrace
this work of endurance. See it as vital and necessary. Never confuse it with
laying down the vision of My will and Kingdom but rather being empowered to
endure with expectant hope of deliverance. This is to overcome. It is a work –
a great work – a necessary work for I am a God of mercy. You are tired of the
corruption, blindness and idolatry of My people but apart from My grace you are
blind and idolatrous. I desire that none be lost.
So
be invigorated and strengthened with all power according to the might of My
glory to exercise every kind of endurance and patience, perseverance and
forbearance with joy, giving thanks to the Father Who has qualified and made us
fit to share the portion which is the inheritance of the saints. This portion
is to suffer with Christ and make up whatever is still lacking of Christ’s
afflictions for the sake of His Body, which is the church.
So
let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough
work so that you may be a people perfectly developed, lacking in nothing. I
know your works and what you are doing. I have set before you a door wide open
which no one is able to shut. I know you have but little power and yet you have
kept My Word and guarded My message and have not renounced or denied My Name.
Because
you have guarded and kept My Word of patient endurance – have held fast the
lesson of My patience with the expectant endurance that I give you - I will
also keep you safe from the harm of trial which is coming to try the whole
earth. See that you go on in this – that you don’t lose your reward. Embrace
this and long for this gift and exercise it fully. It is from Me and for Me and
for the sake of My Kingdom and I give to you freely if you will receive it.
October 21, 1989
Today
I rose again with Christ. The old man died and has no claim on me – he
can never be patched up. Yes, I am empty without him. I know no other
life or way, but now I receive fully the life with Christ for my life –
His fullness for my emptiness.
I
am a new creation. The old has passed away, all things have become new. It is
the old life that the curse clung to. I now put on Jesus Christ as my life. All
glory be to Him for He will continuously live in me. I am no longer bound by
this dead self’s laws or the law of sin and death that operated through it.
Praise God for the Resurrection. Praise God for faith in and of the Son
of God who gave Himself for me. I don’t need to wish or see but all will be
seen.
I
believe, therefore I speak. Jesus died and rose again for me and I am saved –
made whole. Hallelujah!
May 1990
Delivered
from manipulation of God and man, which opened life to depression. See May 90
donor letter. Had a teaching in God’s love. Had prayer to know God’s love and
how to wield the sword of the Spirit. Ezekiel 36 – for the sake of His Name He
will vindicate His Name and His Holiness.
He
is for me and will till me and sow me. Soaking prayer started on 5/15/90. My
body was given permission to live. Curse discerned since childhood – has to do
with bleeding, marrow and - Oy Vey – Jewish heritage. Prayers broke it and
spoke life to my body, especially circulation, heart and skin.
May 21, 1990
Continuing
revelation of God’s love for me. Spoken word from Nancy – I am well beloved and
He is well pleased. On the mornings of
the 20th and 21st He whispers love to me and speaks to me
as lover. I am sown anew in the soil of His love. Abide in His love.
Let
go of all anxious fears and bring them to Him. I will be led forth with joy and
peace by my Savior (Is. 54) A door has opened – a gate. I have access and can
come and go unhindered and unmolested. He will always welcome me and take off
the dirt. All cares fade; there I don’t even have to talk – just listen and He
soothes and comforts.
It
brought back pain of disappointment and I shared my pain. They told me it will
be swallowed up in joy. He wanted to comfort me but I wouldn’t let Him. I was
never really still enough for Him to embrace me.
May 22, 1990 3 am
A
stronghold of unforgiveness was revealed. Unforgiveness of self, doctors and
dentists. I repented.
A
stronghold concerning the nature of God was also revealed. He is using sickness
to deal with me. I have believed I cannot be well until I am perfect which is
VERY WRONG. The enemy feeds on it.
Regarding
my skin, I thought He kept it bad to rid me of wrong desires for clothes. He
used it that way BUT does not want me without clothes and sick. He has many
ways to chasten and teach me. It is really rebellion and not turning to Him.
Sin can lead to sickness but repentance and walking in Him does not, even
though all is not dealt with yet. His love covers. He will prune but not make
sick. He will humble and chasten, not destroy!
I
no longer have a spirit of slavery and bondage but of adoption. I am His child.
He does not treat us the way the enemy did – by making me fearful to live and
inflicting physical pain when I try to live in Him. Son ship and love cast out
fear. His Spirit will teach, chasten, exhort and urge but not destroy. I am to
look at and resist sickness as sin and demons.
I
do not have to be sick for God to teach me or keep me in line. He has methods
of the Spirit. I am His beloved child. I have been blind while seeing it in
others. My teeth and gums – unforgiveness. Skin – wrong thinking. Female – the
whole mess is not from Him
May 22, 1990 4 am
Jim
prayed with me. We agreed together and forgave together. I felt nothing but
knew God told me He worked. Jim confirmed as he left that God did hear and
answer. I don’t have to feel it – I will see it. Also PRIDE. I thought I
knew so much – that God was delayed. I didn’t think I was so lacking in knowing
Him.
August 21, 1990
All
that has been revealed is going to be manifested. The battle has been thus far
in spiritual places against unseen foes. With manifestation of Kingdom –
breakthrough – will bring the battle to earth. The enemy will rise up in flesh
and blood even as the Lord rises up in flesh and blood – strife and persecution
– but God’s Word to us is the latter half of Isaiah 54.
We
shall not fear oppression or destruction for it shall not come near us – even
though strife is stirred up against us it shall fall away. Every tongue raised
against us in judgment we shall prove to be in the wrong – no weapon will
prosper. We who have given up for Him will gain back one hundred fold – with
persecution – but no fear. He is mighty in me.
When
these things happen, know the battle is only beginning. Rejoice greatly, but
don’t get complacent or satisfied or smug. We have not “arrived”. We must press
into Him – abide in Him – and continue to be soldiers. What should we do now?
The battle plans will change and we must be able to hear His voice. Cultivate a
listening ear now. Earnestly desire the gifts of the Spirit, especially
prophecy and discernment. Make room for God – make way for the prophetic voice
of God. Give careful heed to Him. He will be doing a new thing. We cannot rely
on our understanding or past experience. We must know His voice. We will be
changed from worms to sharp threshing instruments with teeth. Seek and
cooperate with the Spirit.
How
to pray for Pastor J. I saw a sword of the Lord in his mouth like arrows to
pierce hearts. The enemy is trying to lock his mouth. He is wrestling and
distracted by concern for his family. He is afraid of an enemy assault in this
area. There are temptations to relax by running away and I sense him viewing
something to defile the mind and cut off fellowship with God – perhaps TV?
Find
rest in God. Be patient. Be still and know He is God. Don’t be afraid. You will
see all you are believing for. The Lord alone will be exalted. The glory of man
will be in the dust. QUIETNESS and confidence. LISTEN TO JESUS. Sit at His
feet. Isaiah 28:16 “He who believes need never run away.”
Approximately
September 4, 1990
Received
Hosea 6:1-3 as a prophecy. John Wimber preached on Ezekiel 37. We then had
communion and prayer for our family. There were words about “the valley of the
shadow of death” and lots about the Blood. There was a special prayer for the
kids and Jim was touched – he shook and the Spirit touched his tongue.
After
two days on Tuesday we were treating my toe infection. The infection burst and
bled. I fainted, went into shock and died. There was gurgling in my throat and
no breathing or heartbeat. Then I came back to life. There was fear and we had
prayer by Roy and Marguerite.
On
Wednesday night Bob A was moved by the Spirit and said we are for God’s good
pleasure and He wants us well and our minds renewed. Many prayed and many were
by my side and had compassion. I was given over to death SO THAT His
resurrection life is made manifest in my mortal body.
God
has shown me He is Lord of my body. He is the Resurrection and the Life.
Satan’s legal claim on my body is broken – he has NO rights. Death could not hold
me. 2 Cor. 8-11, the Psalms, Isaiah 26 are all new. I have passed from death
into life.
Then
pain, weakness and the infection brought fear Saturday night. We realized the
main problem was fear and the family took a stand. On Sunday I was very weak and
could not fight. I realized I was using the Word in my own strength. I must
have His strength and His might. He must be ALL. Judy H and Norma H prayed on
Tuesday. Others called and said I need to rest in Him. I can do nothing – He
will do everything.
November 27, 1990
In
seeking the Lord about the healing and going to Benny Hinn, You spoke to me.
You are going to personally come to me – personally deliver me – right where
You have saved and taught me. You are going to appear to me as I have never
seen You – just as You appeared to me in Your suffering, You will appear in
Your glory and I will touch the hem of Your garment. You will use me to raise
the ruins. Many miracles will be done by Jim’s hands with the nail print.
You
will send us into the deepest ruins but not to weep this time – we will
announce liberty and You will stretch forth Your Hand. No one will know us –
where we come from or where we are going. We will not even know except as You
send us and even then we won’t always know until we see the ruin. We will go to
the hopeless – those who can’t or won’t come to You because of the chains. You
will go to them – seek them and find them and demand them through us. Even as
You come to me, so You will send us to them.
You
are well pleased. I am Your delight. I have loved Your name and You will honor
me; but I will not ever grab Your glory – so dependent will I be even as I am
now. I will know You are in me and I in You. We will speak and You will
confirm. You are with me now protecting me and will not let me be put to shame.
Our family is precious and honored in You sight.
I
am greatly beloved and honored in Your sight and soon I will be visited again
by You, as I never have been. I will know You and will touch You. Because I
have fellowshipped in and shared Your sufferings, I have not denied You or Your
Word or become offended in You, I will be used to raise the lost that I have
wept over. But first You will come to me personally and raise me up.
That’s
part of what I heard as best as I remember. It was very personal to me. I
especially wanted to know where the family fit in and I was assured we would be
together. How You will visit or empower them is not for me to know but I saw
Jim’s hand as Yours and also the miracles.
January 16, 1991
So much! US on brink of war with Iraq; start of the outpouring of the Holy Spirit confirmed.
In
the Spirit God has shown me a mountain for years. We have walked around the
mountain because of unbelief, sin, sickness and bondages. Some were able to
climb over the mountain but left no path for others. What would have happened
if I had been healed in 1987? My body was not ready, the family was not united
so we would have had a single victory but You wanted the kernel of wheat to
fall into the ground.
We
are to go through the mountain by prayer. It is a stream that becomes a flood
tide driven by Jehovah’s breath (Isaiah 59). It took great effort to penetrate
it. Inside is darkness and I don’t know when we’re close to coming out except
the pressure increases when near to the breakthrough. This makes a path for
others to follow. The mountain is not removed but is used to purify the stream.
It becomes a tool of God as a path through it is made. Then there will be faith
to move mountains.
The
oncoming war is bringing more of the flood tide as prayer brings unity. Then
everyone from west to east will know You are God. You will do
great things. The physical return to Zion represents a spiritual return. The
time of the great final harvest is near. Your eyes are on Your Jewish nation.
There is much prayer for Your Word to reach this generation and the Arab
nations as well.
The
mountain vision is the same as the one of giving birth. We had aborted Your
purposes for years but now have held them in enduring prayer until they are
brought to birth. The baby is born. What about the mountain? Give me eyes to
see.
The
outpouring is Jehovah’s breath that drives the stream. It brings the
breakthrough in the mountain. Birth was needed to give us this force to
penetrate. What was a slow trickle is now a rushing stream, then a torrent,
then a flood to lift high the standard of the Lord. Amen and amen.
Remember
with the birth of the child, the battle comes to earth.
February 22, 1991
Psalm
107; Isaiah 45:1-5; Psalm 40
Because
of God’s mercy and loving-kindness, I will be delivered out of all my
distresses and carried to my desired haven. He breaks the bars of iron and
gates of brass. He will arm and gird me with His strength even though I have
not known Him.
Even
rebels and fools and those at their wit’s end with no one to help them (I am
all of these) - when they cry to the Lord, He sends His Word and heals them. He
saves them and gives them happiness by stilling the storm. He discerns the
enemies of His chosen ones – the ones He has called by name. He has called me
by name.
You
have given me the capacity to hear and obey. The mouths of liars will be shut
and iniquity will shut her mouth because of Your mercy and loving-kindness to
me and Your deeds to the children of men. You will come in MERCY. I will know
you in MERCY. Your MERCY will flow from me to others. I am helpless but not
hopeless.
March 17, 1991
Psalms
22, 42, 55; Isaiah 41 – You do not despise my cries of deep despair. You do not
walk away but come to me. On March 13th in the night Your power went
through me. It started as a dream with Jim praying. Power woke me up and I
continued to feel it. It was like some sort of impartation.
This
was after revelation of You My Father – that I never knew You but my
restoration to You is the whole reason of Jesus’ sufferings. I received You in
a new way. You give me songs when fear comes and I run to you. Pain and sight
trigger fear – all are taunts of the enemy. Let pain and sight turn me to
praise and songs. Something holy is happening here. I have continuous songs in
the night and in the day. I am still having a terrible time with the toe
bleeding and miseries. My ankle is also frozen and muscle spasms are bad.
BUT
God is for me. His Word is true. The Word is trying me as it did Joseph.
The
Word will:
I
have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit in me and He is leading me with His Word.
I will wait for Your instruction. You will keep me. See Revelation 3
regarding the church in Philadelphia. This is my word from You.
I
haven’t known the way but wherever I find myself, Your Word is there. How big
it is! Also I have the realization that I have not chosen You; You have chosen
me. What Your purposed, You will do. See Isaiah 46. You have called me and
already spoke the things not yet seen and You will do them all.
I
would never have chosen this way. Thank God that He who called and chose me is
able to perform it even when I know nothing. Jamie (Buckingham) said I am being
purified by You. Be thoroughly glorified Lord. Gird and arm me and do all You
have said. I am Yours. Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my
path.
February 24, 1992
So
much – Help
me Lord. So BIG. Cheryl, Catherine, Ginny here for intercessory prayer;
also Diane, Mary and Susie. On 2/10/07 the elders prayed for me and the dove
descends.
I
heard Your will is LIFE; come forth; come out of the mountain; the mountain is
destroyed; the Holy Spirit must move me.
I
am to forget the past and yield to Him; I am to follow Him and quit looking
back. The door closes on the past; the future and hope opens. Isaiah 55:12
An
anointing came to pray for Jo Shetler. I didn’t lay hands on her but I should
have. But the prayer was of the Spirit.
Jamie
died; Skip is dying. I received a book on death from Diane. Cheryl is trying to
see where I’m at and questions my surrender and willingness to die (because of
an experience with a friend). All of this triggers in me a wave of surrender
which I think is part of entering into His rest; but the same thing comes up –
laying down the healing.
God
is sovereign – YES – BUT His sovereign will is already known! His rest is
different. He must do it but I must not let go the confidence.
HOLD
FAST
Surrender means giving up all to God but not throwing back our inheritance. We will NEVER give back eternal life or lay it down because we are trained to know His will here. Don’t’ throw away your confidence. Don’t be double minded about God’s revealed will. Watch out for wrong voices. Bring thoughts captive.
Isaiah
55:12,13 A door is closed; the mountain has opened. Lead me forth Lord. I COME.
Song
“Jesus I Come” – meditate on it! Clarify all this even more Lord.
To obey is better than sacrifice. Obedience does not always mean
suffering. There is great joy and fulfillment in it. I offer my body a living
sacrifice, holy and acceptable to Him. How much ground do we give
the enemy in our ignorance and because we don’t know the truth enough to stand
on it?
Hebrews
7:22, 8:6, 9:15, 12:24 – Jesus is mediator, arbitrator, agent and negotiator of
the new covenant, the testament of God established through His Blood.
Mediate
·
Bring about an agreement; peace between two parties
·
To settle a dispute; to reconcile
·
To effect a result; convey a gift as by an intermediary
·
To act between parties to affect an agreement
·
To occupy an intermediate place
Arbitrator
·
A person in power to decide points at issue
·
One who has the sole or absolute power to judging or determining
Agent
·
A person acting on he half of another
·
One who has the power to act
·
An official
Negotiate
·
To treat with another as in the preparation of a treaty
·
To arrange or bring about settlement of terms
·
To conduct an affair
·
To transfer by assignment or delivery
In
Hebrews 7:22 Jesus is the Guarantee of the covenant. In Hebrews 7:25 Jesus is
always living to make petition to God and intercede with Him and
intervene for us who come to God through Him!
Petition
·
A formally drawn up request to a (body of) persons in authority or
power, soliciting some favor, right, mercy or other benefit
·
Law – an application for an order of court or for some judicial action
Intercede
·
To interpose in behalf of one in difficulty or trouble, as by pleading
a petition
·
Interpose – to place between or cause to intervene
Intervene
·
To come between in action
·
To occur incidentally so as to modify a result
·
Law – to interpose and become party to a suit pending between other
parties
Hebrews
9:15 – Christ is the negotiator and mediator of an entirely new testament so that those who are called and offered it may receive the fulfillment of promise, everlasting inheritance since a death has taken place which rescues and delivers and redeems them from the transgressions committed
under the old agreement
Hebrews
12:22-24 But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city
of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in
joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in
heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous
men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled
blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
Fulfillment
·
A fulfilling or carrying out
·
Performance
·
Completion
Rescue
·
To free from confinement, violence, danger or evil
·
Deliver by force
·
Freeing from captivity, assault, evil, death or destruction by ready,
prompt action
Deliver
·
Give into a mother’s possession or keeping
·
To carry and turn over to the intended recipients
·
To set free or liberate
·
To release or save
Redeem
·
Buy back
·
Repurchase
·
Liberate from captivity and slavery by paying a price
·
Release from blame or debt
·
Absolve from bondage of sin
·
Change from worse to better
·
Purify
·
Repossess upon fulfillment of an obligation
·
Regain absolute title
·
Atone for or cleanse
·
Cancel out detrimental effect of
Guarantee
·
A warrant, pledge, or formal assurance given by way of security
·
That which is taken or presented as security
·
To make oneself answerable for or in behalf of one primarily responsible
May 20, 1992
Since
I started taking communion every morning there has been some clarity in all
this darkness. It doesn’t come from without but from within. I am aware of
having, at least at times, Your mind – discernment. It seems like my own though
processes because it is not accomplished by tangible presence but I know it is
You – it is Christ in me – the hope of glory.
I
am daily renewed by Your Body and Blood although I fall often. Today, Streams
had word of accepting pain, etc. – beautiful word but not the way for
me. You gave me discernment after I started going with it. Although I have had
need of patience and endurance, it is not the same as tolerance – I am not to
tolerate the enemy’s works. I am to run from them and stand firm, resisting
them and grasping You.
I must run my race. Endurance does not mean tolerance. Tolerance means
stopping, making peace with the enemy. Receive comfort (yes this pain
enlarges my deliverance for I will take many spoils) but don’t stop there – run
the race, finish the course and don’t be deceived. The enemy’s tactics are
subtle and spiritual at this point. Guard the Word of the Lord to me. Thank you
Lord. Now encourage, bless, defend, strengthen, deliver and heal us. Remember
Jim too – make us as one with each other and You.
When
we ask for bread You won’t give us a stone, or if we ask for an egg, You won’t
give us a serpent, but the enemy will! Your answers will come and his stones
and serpents will bring Your wrath upon him as Your answer comes, though
delayed.
Don’t
accept stones and serpents as from God. Resist the enemy’s doings and scorn
them. They are his undoing for God will be faithful to His Word. So stand and
watch and never cease from laying hold of what is yours in the Lord.
Go
to God. You have a strong Redeemer – the Lord of Hosts is His name – Jesus.
He will thoroughly plead your cause. He is your agent, arbiter, mediator and
enforcer of the covenant sealed in His Blood. Never let go of truth in spite of
facts. Stones, serpents, weeds will all be crushed under Your feet. His harvest
is incorruptible and sure.
I
want to recapture when You were telling me “no turning back”. I long for You o
come as You used to. You tell me You are here now and always. I think I need to
feel You, to know You are here. You tell me the enemy can always cloud and
manipulate my feelings. Therefore I must know You are here apart from feelings.
How can I know? Because You have said so and You do not lie.
I
wonder why You do not make Yourself more known. You want me to be unshakable no
matter what is happening. You are driving me so I will lack nothing. Where are
the days of Your sweet calling? You were wooing me but now You abide in me. We
are one.
I
remember how You answered my longings to know Your will. Your voice was so
precious. But You say, “Now you have my mind – my voice is internal – it is
natural.” I am aware at times of “fine tuning” and discernment. It is not
accompanied by any special presence, but I know it is You – Christ in me.
But,
oh how I miss Your presence. But my heart fills with love when I see Your
answers to years of prayer – Your plants taking root. I realize more and more
how futile is my mind and my thoughts apart from Your Spirit. My understanding
only leads to ruin and deception unless enlightened by Your Spirit. Your Word
must be by Your Spirit.
Yes,
I have been emptied of so much. Now my vessel says, “Spring up O well. Fill my
empty places.” I give You my vessel to fill with life divine.
Communication
in the holiest is most precious. I start every day with the impartation of Your
Body and Blood. Your covenant stands forever by the Blood. I am saved by the
Blood. I am healed by the Body on this day of salvation. Today, O Sacred Lamb
Jesus, my strong Redeemer Lord.
March 10, 1994
The
waves are what come through my emotions and senses; they are ebbing and flowing
and I feel differently as they change. Deep inside is the TRUTH that never
changes. The enemy means the waves to overtake me by causing me to give up on
life and God’s work. I have nurtured seeds of doubt and left the door open just
a little on death.
I
repent. No matter what we see and feel, God will be absolutely true to His
word. My part is to just hold fast though tossed about and cast out any voice
of death or plans against God, even if I am overwhelmed. He will keep me. Don’t
worry about feelings. Stay in Him when you can’t perceive Him in any way. He’s
there and He’s going to save me just like He said. I shall not die but live to
proclaim His goodness to this generation. Amen and amen. If not, He would be a
liar and that is impossible.
Don’t
look at other’s races – run your own. Relaxation by escape is not so much wring
as it weakens and allows me to be unprepared when waves come. Do not to strive
– just to rest and keep my eyes on the goal – on Him – on life and enjoy His
revelations, etc. when resting in entertainment to escape. Don’t do it when my
heart is unsettled.
O
facing the giant means to shut out all thoughts of possible failure on God’s
part. The work is His. I only need believe and even that ability will come from
Him as I cast myself on Him in every stormy gale. SOON AND VERY SOON!!
Amen.
Christians are AWOL!
A soldier in a war has rest periods and leaves – time when he can withdraw and enjoy entertainment. But to do that while under siege is to be taken captive. When the battle is raging, he must fight it and stay under his commander until there is a respite or someone comes in to relieve him a while.
We
try to choose our own time of relief and the enemy gains a foothold or
stronghold and walks all over us. Let us remember this: the battle is the real
life sitation we must face, not at our whim or fancy, but for strength,
protection and survival. We cannot leave our commander during an onslaught but
during a “leave” we are free to use our time. O that we can realize this. Show
us and make us discerning.
May 9, 1994
NOT
MANY DAYS HENCE. Acts. 1:5; 2 Chron.14: 11,12 AND GOD SMOTE CANCER.DEUT. 30:11-19 CHOOSE LIFE!
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