January 16, 1984

 

Goals for 1984

 

1.      To form closer communication with David and Jenny; to really listen and care about what they are doing and saying

2.      To be a true intercessor for Jim; to back him up often in prayer in the Spirit; to love him more and be sensitive to his needs

3.      To spend more time in the Word and in the Spirit; to learn how to enter into that hiding, resting place regardless of the difficult circumstances on the outside

4.      To love You more Lord and know and trust You better; not to question Your ways but allow Your work to be accomplished in me

5.      To be a more compassionate, understanding friend to those you lead to me

 

Lord, you have shown me so much these past weeks and it gives me so much assurance and comfort.  I wish I had written it all down.  I will try now to recall highlights of what you have shown me.

 

I have been so sick and physically weak these past months.  Lord, I have been afraid so many times and angry too.  I have felt abandoned and so alone.  No person can know how hard it has been – not even Jim.  But You know it all and have shown me that You were there all along.  You are sovereign and have a good plan in it all.  Thank you for removing the awful darkness.

 

I remember when I was so afraid in the hospital when the fevers came and then the spasms and no one could help me; when I felt mistreated and uncared for – I really expected special care just because I am Yours.  I was always disappointed in what You were doing and thought You were against me.  Oh Lord, how foolish.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Thank you for meeting me that Friday morning when I was so desperate for help and comfort.  You came to me in the Psalms and took that fear and rebelliousness away.  My whole countenance changed – everyone could see it – and yet I was physically no better.  You are wonderful.

 

Coming home was hard – seeing how limited I was – an invalid.  Having to accept help – having to see my Jim run ragged trying to do his work and mine.  Thank you for slowly bringing acceptance and peace in this situation – giving me freedom to wait on Your timing and not hate myself

 

The setbacks like my torn ribs and increased spasms and not being able to start physical therapy have been disappointing.  I have grieved over all I have lost.  And yet you have taught me how my spirit is separate from my body and circumstances – that I have a wonderful resting place in the midst of pain and confusion.  Help me hold on to that.

 

Thank you for bringing me through the awful pain again and again and helping me not to withdraw and be angry about it as I always have before.  This is truly Your grace at work in my life – not of me – I can only thank You. Yet I still am afraid at times when I am facing new setbacks or threats of illness.  Help me fully trust You.  Today I feel like I am getting a cough and my ribs are barely healed. Oh Lord, please deliver me, especially of the fear but be pleased also to heal me.

 

On January 7th, you gave me very special promises from Your Word.  You said:  “I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised.  For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  You will find me when you seek me if you look for me in earnest.” “He never forgets His promises.  So don’t be anxious about tomorrow.  God will take care of your tomorrow too.  Live one day at a time.” “I will not abandon you or fail to help you.”

 

On January 9th, You told me, “I want to remind you that your strength must come from the Lord’s mighty power within you.”

 

You know how I feel about the healing service in San Jose on February 4th.  The Moyers want to fly us there.  Oh Lord, I have no faith.  I am afraid nothing will happen.  I am also afraid I won’t be able to handle it should you heal me suddenly.  I don’t know what to do.  I am afraid of responsibility.  This illness has given me excuses.  But I don’t want to live that way.  Sometimes I think I can’t bear the pain and loneliness anymore either.  Help me want to be fully well, trusting you will not overwhelm me but will guide me back to a useful life.  Help me also not to shrink back from pain and suffering should you call me to glorify you through that path.

 

Thank you for your promises on January 12th about the healing services:  “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him and He will gladly tell you for He is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask.  Trust the Lord completely; don’t ever trust yourself.  In everything you do, put God first and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success.”

 

Lord, I want so much to hold on to what you’ve shown me.  I love to enter into the Spirit where it is so peaceful but sometimes I can’t – I am so distracted.  Teach me how to enter in – to set aside the cares of the world.  Help me to be a good intercessor.  My arms are too tired so I will write more later.

 

I do have to thank you first for my Jim – he is so precious and helpful physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I want to bless him.  Help me to be cheerful and encouraging and loving; to be always ready for him; to make up for the physical weakness with true love and concern and companionship.  He is so good.  Help him see all You have done in him.  Destroy the discouraging forces in his life and set him free to love You fully; to know
Your life in him and to enter in.

 

I had a down day – I want so much to enter into the Spirit and find I can’t always do it.  Jim thinks I am trying too hard – that I need to relax more.  Show me Lord.  You told me to seek You and I want to.  I know I am physically tired – help me to always remember the difference between the physical and spiritual that I might walk in Your victory.

 

Bernie talked to Jim today about giving us Quest here so we can be members.  Thank you for his friendship.  It has meant so much to us. The Svelmoe’s fixed us a glorious dinner – roast and potatoes, salads and a wonderful pumpkin custard pie that even the kids liked.  Thank you Lord for Your people and their kindness to us.  Help us to always remember that we might be helpers when we are able.

 

Thanks for Martha, Doreen, Judy, and Jane who have kept our laundry up.  Thank you for helping us to receive.  I pray our lives can be a blessing in return. Thanks too for Fran, my “mother hen” who checked in today.  I can always tell her how rotten I feel and she comforts me and blesses me.  I really love her.  Thanks that Jenny and Alicia had such a good day and David and Josh did too.  I have so much to thank You for – how could I be down?  But I am so very tired.  Every task seems monumental.  I couldn’t even shower today.  Dinner has revived me plus all the resting I did but I am still drained.

 

Please bless my time with Dr. Warburton tomorrow.  Give him divine wisdom.  Help me not to look to him wrongly.  I know my real hope is only in You.  Thank you for sweet Jack Warburton though – I truly hope he knows You.  Make us a real blessing to him.

 

January 17, 1984

 

I didn’t spend much time with You today Lord.  Tonight I am very sore where my ribs were hurt.  Please continue to heal them. Tomorrow I start therapy – help them know how to help me Lord.  Thank you for Dr. Warburton – he was such a blessing today.  Help me be a fighter – to not be afraid.  My reflexes were 3+ with no plantar reflexes whatever that means.  The main problem is my knees – getting them straight. Help me to work on it Lord and to trust You for help.

 

Bonnie sent the booklets on healing.  I don’t even want to read them.  Oh Lord, show me what’s true – don’t let me be afraid.  Keep me from confusion and wrong doctrine.  Show me Your heart in all this so I will know how to pray and what to do.

 

Thanks for my family Lord.  Thanks for a husband who helps keep me balanced.  I don’t know what I’d do without him and his love.  Thanks for my Ernies too – they’re so cute and special.  I want them to really draw close to You.

 

Fran’s spaghetti was delicious – she’s such a good cook.  I really pigged out on ice cream and caramel sauce – help me to eat right.  Give me the right desires. Lord, show us if vitamins are the way to go – nutrition, diet, etc. – it’s all so confusing. I love You Lord.  I know you will help me.  I want so much to bless You and others.

 

January 18, 1984

 

Lord, show me what is right.  Jim got on me this morning and said I don’t believe You anymore – that I’m just sitting back and letting the enemy have me.  I feel like I’ve finally been able to accept and relinquish and be at peace.  Now I don’t know what to think.  What do You really want for me?  I know You ultimately want me well but I don’t think I can demand that of You.  I don’t even know if I should continually beg You.  You seem to be leading me into acceptance for now and emphasis on spiritual things – getting my mind off my body and physical things.  Am I hearing You wrong?  Don’t let me run from truth but don’t let me lose my peace trying to find it.  Help me not to be afraid to read the books on healing.  I feel threatened and shaken.  I can’t bear taking a chance – giving it my all and losing.  Help me to come and face the issue unemotionally and with the guidance of the Spirit.  If we should go to San Jose, I am so afraid they will expect me to get up and be healed.  I have to know for sure – Lord You can show me You’ve touched me when you do.  I cannot stand and claim it if I do not have evidence You’ve done it for You are sovereign and only Your timing is perfect.  Please help me – help me want to be fully well – take away all fear and help me want to seek You – all of Your power – not just in part.

 

Dr. Warburton says it’s important to build lost back muscle quickly and get my knees straightened.  He says it’s the combination of muscle weakness and knee contractures that cause MS people to be wheelchair-bound.  I am headed that way if we don’t get it all moving.  Therapy starts today.  Help me and give them wisdom to pace me properly and give me endurance to keep up what I must.

 

I do believe You can heal me and I wouldn’t even need to go through this rehabilitation.  I also believe You can heal me through this rehabilitation and use it to build me character.  I make no demands of You Lord – I want Your perfect will and timing.  Help me be at peace and help me to expect good things from You.  Help me not to be afraid of responsibility.  If You should make we well, I want to serve You well.  I guess I just can’t imagine having the energy to do it right now.  Help me remember – take one day at a time.  I won’t close my mind to anything You have for me – restore my child-like faith – my ability to hear You and do it even when I’m afraid.

 

Thank you for this opportunity to grow in You.  I expect You to resolve this conflict and make me stronger because of it.  Help me get into Your Word more.

 

January 19, 1984

 

Oh Lord, I’m so tired of this struggle.  Last night was awful trying to get rid of the pillows under my knees – my back and knees got beyond help.  And now I feel like my cold is acting up too.  I’m so tired of fighting to keep up my spirits – of trying to figure out how this all works for good – of being afraid – of trying to have enough faith to stand against it.  I am so full of self-pity today Lord – how I need You.

 

I am so lonely Lord.  I feel like Jim and I are pulling away in many ways.  I want to be cheerful for him but I can’t.  I feel like I’m pulling away from You too in many ways.  I can’t stand being confused – I’m too weary to even try to figure anything out.  Oh – I wish You would come and restore me.  I do so want to be whole.

 

Physical therapy will be so hard – I feel like giving up.  How can I hold on to You – please don’t let go of me - please help me.  I can’t bear the thought of another set back – please don’t try me more than I can bear.  You promised You wouldn’t.

 

Thank you for Cindy and her awareness of how she needs to go slowly in physical therapy.  Thank you for the encouragement that I can get better.  Thank you for using my article to touch Horace after all these years.  Thank you for showing me that You can and will use me and my weakness.  I know I will again praise Your goodness and I praise You now for who You are.  I know You will make me happy again.  But my heart is so heavy now – come quickly Lord.

 

Thank you for Shannon’s call – for renewing my spirit – for recalling what you are teaching me – for helping me learn to trust the Spirit in me.  She confirmed the path I felt You were leading me in – one of peace and acceptance of Your sovereignty – one of turning to the work of the Spirit and getting my eyes off deliverance of the body as number one.  I still want to be whole – but the Spirit must come first – I must be totally abandoned to You in my trust and totally assured of Your sovereignty.  You are bringing me to that resting place that can’t be shaken.  Thank you for testing me and helping me realize that You have given me wisdom and discernment – even when Jim is not in full agreement.  Only I can really know where I’m at in You in the Spirit.  Thank you that Jim is willing to trust my spiritual judgment in this – for our good talk at lunch.  Help me write the right things to Bonnie.  Show me what to say – anoint my letter.  I don’t want to hurt her but I must follow Your leading as best I know how.

 

I know You can heal me and I don’t have to go anywhere for You to do it.  I trust Your plan for me – Your timing for my life.  I have learned that I really do need to be filled more with Your Word – for it is health to my body and spirit.  Thank you for the friends who are coming to see me tomorrow – and I was feeling so lonely and forgotten.  I know You will continue to do a good thing in me Lord and I want to yield and let You be glorified in me.  Thank you for coming so soon.

 

January 24, 1984

 

So much has happened – I haven’t been able to write it down.  You have been so good to me Lord.  Friday was so neat at lunch.  Leona, Carole P, Jan A, Heather, Darcy, JJ, and Madelyn came and we had such good fellowship.  I really enjoyed it and You gave me the chance to share what You are doing in my spirit.  JJ is really hurting – help me to remember to pray for her that she would find that inner resting place in You.

 

Your Word has been so alive to me.  Very special verses on the 21st – the entire morning reading in Living Light; John 14:2, Mal. 3:2,3, Rom 5:3-5, Heb 12:7,8,11,12.  On January 22, You ministered to me from Ps 73:23-26 - especially “My health fails, my spirits droop, yet God remains!  He is the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.”  This is exactly what You’ve shown me of the separation of my spirit from my body and emotions.  I may be hurt and broken and yet this is far from spiritual defeat – it changes nothing from the perspective of spiritual things.  Praise You.  Help me hold on to this truth. The readings and poems in Streams in the Desert for January 21-24 are all special – adding understanding to my situation. 

 

The greatest blessing was the sermon on Sunday – Pastor Wood confirmed all You have been teaching me in my spirit – taking away any little doubt that could be left.  You promised to give me wisdom and You have done that.  You have spoken to my spirit and confirmed what You have said.  You are teaching me to hear Your voice and recognize it even when well meaning friends come against it.  I must learn to trust the Spirit in me for You are doing something different in me now and I want to yield completely to You.

 

We got the tape of the message “Help in Tight Places” which stressed God’s purposes in allowing our trials – and using then in our lives – such a confirmation of all You have shown me based on II Cor. 1:1-16.  George even used us as examples of Your working and being glorified through trials.  Thank you for that encouragement - that others are being blessed and strengthened by what we are going through – surely that is a great reward.  And I have Your promises for the future – that it will be good.

 

Tracy’s visit was fun even though I was tired.  She is so cute – so grown up and so sweet.  We really loved having her here. Yesterday, I was wiped out – with my eyes all flared up – had to stay in bed – but You were there helping me not get frustrated.  The Eichmeyers came over for dinner – they even brought dishes, silverware, etc. – how thoughtful.  What a lovely dinner – swiss steak, spinach salad, potatoes, carrots, rolls, and lemon pie.  The fellowship was especially precious – they are so special.  Thank you for them and thank you for enabling me to feel better for their visit.

 

I love You Lord but I have not spent much time in prayer lately.  Help me be faithful to You in every way.  George wants us to speak to the church about this time – show me when and what to say that will truly help others and help him to realize what an important part he has had in all of this – that it is his trial too – that he would not feel that he has nothing to say.  Work out that time in your perfect timing.

 

Dorothy wants me to see a nutritionist specializing in degenerative diseases.  Lord, so many have come to us with ideas and testimonies – we can’t try them all.  You must show us which, if any, You want us to do.  So far, I am leaning toward supplements.  You know how hard it is for me to commit to a diet but if that is truly what is needed I want to be willing.  Help me Lord.  Show us what to do and provide what we need to do it – financially, emotionally, and in our commitment.  I need to know from You – all the plans sound so good – so sure and yet You are able to heal me too apart from all that.  Show us what You want Lord.

 

Help me at therapy today – give me strength and help me pace my life.  I feel like I’m too lazy and yet I have had to rest so much out of necessity.  Show me how and when to be up and how much to do.  Help me be a cheerful blessing and companion to my sweet Jim.  I feel like I haven’t nearly expressed all of what You have done and shown me – it’s hard when days have gone by.  Help me be more faithful and to write down what You show me day by day that I might not forget anything You are showing me.

 

January 25, 1984

 

Therapy measurements went well yesterday.  Cindy was pleased with the amount of strength I have.  My right arm and left leg are weak and my upper back is too weak to hold me erect for more than a few minutes – we really have to work on that.  My right knee is much better – left slightly frozen and the hamstring muscle has shifted which is why it pops and snaps when I exercise.  Cindy wants me to concentrate on correct walking – not ape walking so I don’t get into a habit.  Also, I mustn’t walk when my legs are bent up – could damage my knees.  Evelyn will loan us a commode so I can go to the bathroom during the night and in the morning without walking until I am limbered up.  Today I am miserably tight when trying to walk – I guess it’s a delayed reaction to therapy.  I suppose I’ll have to rest today so I am ready for therapy tomorrow.

 

I must write to Horace and I want to write to Dorothy and perhaps rewrite my letter to Dick and Bonnie.  Help me Lord to get at least some of this done.  Help me not to eat so much and to be able to get more exercise soon.  Thank you for the nice worship time Jim and I had this morning.  Help us to continue even though it is often hard.  I’m so glad You are working my life – sometimes I feel so happy.  Help me even when I can’t feel right to remember all You are doing.

 

I want so much to share You with Cindy and see her come into Your Kingdom.  She is so special Lord – I really love her.  Please open her eyes to see You.  Show her her need for You.  Help me be a good witness in all I say and do.  Thank you for all the prayers You have answered – for the peace You are giving me – for the joy I have in being with people – this is so different from last time when I hid behind closed curtains and avoided everyone.  Thank you for this very special gift of Your grace.  Help me to be able to comfort and help others who are going through that withdrawal and minister Your comfort to them.

 

Prepare our time in church Lord – make it really special – anoint our thoughts and words and let only You been seen – You in your ability to take weak brokenness and bring joy and life out of it.  You are so good. It was fun talking to Evelyn and Shannon together yesterday.  Evelyn was so excited about getting us together on the phone at the same time.

 

January 27, 1984

 

Yesterday was a good day after a hard one physically the day before.  Cindy finished my testing and explained it to me.  The only part of my body that has normal strength is my hands.  My feet, ankles and toes are very weak and are important for balance and walking.  My lower back is also very weak and upper not much better.  The rest of my body has varying degrees of weakness but not so critical.  Cindy will begin resistance exercises Monday and see how I do.  It is very important to build up my back but difficult because of continuing neurological spasms which wear me down.  I must try to sit more and sit straight, to walk straight even though I can’t walk as far that way.  Cindy is so knowledgeable – she continually amazes me.  I want to be a real blessing in her life.  I want her to know You Lord.

 

Last night was a blessing even though I was so tired.  Betty brought a wonderful meal – stuffed pork chops, rice, broccoli, rolls, bars and ice cream.  She is so sweet.  Jenny liked the broccoli!  I was tired and went to bed early again- slept very well but woke at 5am with inflamed pressure points – a continuous problem from too much lying around.  I sat up and let my back straighten out and found the spasticity much improved.  Jim and I were able to be physically close for the first time in a long time.  I love him so much.  He has been so patient and kind and precious.

 

You continue to make me so happy Lord even though I am still struggling physically.  I want to stay full of You – to be able to hold on to and share the deep things You are doing in my spirit.  I never want to lose this closeness – even when my life becomes more active.

 

The skin problems I am having get me down lately – I ask You to be pleased to heal them Lord.  Help strengthen my body – it bothers me when I can’t write and have to fight spasms as I am now.  You know it all Lord – teach me self-control in all this.  You are my hiding place, O Lord.  You shelter me from the storm.  Thank you for Your rest.

 

Thanks for Delores – she is so sweet – it was fun to talk to her even though we couldn’t talk very long.  I really want to get to know her better.  Bless Carol today and meet her need for Your comfort even as You have mine.  I love You Lord.

 

January 28, 1984

 

“Though my body is dying, my inner strength in the Lord is growing every day.  These troubles and sufferings of mine are, after all, quite small and won’t last very long. Yet this short time of distress will result in God’s richest blessing upon me forever and ever!  So I do not look at what I can see right now, the trouble all around me, but I look forward to the joys in heaven which I have not yet seen.  The troubles will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.” II Cor. 4:16-18

 

Thank you for these promises Lord.  Thank you that I am better this morning. My morning spasticity is getting less and less.  Thank you too for the commode, which enables me to go to the bathroom at night without having to walk so far.  Thanks for a special visit with Judy yesterday.  Bless her sweet spirit Lord and give her wisdom in raising her children and in knowing Your will for her activities.  Help her find the quiet time she needs to draw close to You.  Thanks for Hal and Evelyn’s visit.  They are so sweet and fun. Bless Evelyn with strength to talk care of her grandchildren and draw Janice back to You. Help her make the right kind of friends.

 

I can’t write much today – my right arm is spasming.  Is there any kind of brace that would help me be able to do more with my right arm?  I must remember to ask Dr. Worburton.

 

January 30, 1984

 

Church was a real blessing yesterday.  I felt You calling me to be anointed with oil so I obeyed.  I don’t know what You did but the time of prayer was special and anointed.  I don’t ever want to presume You will work in any one way.  I always want to be open to Your Spirit.

 

Therapy was hard today.  I woke feeling bad to start with – back pains.  Resistance therapy is so hard – I am so totally weak.  I do feel better now – hours later, but totally drained.  Help me not to be afraid to use my muscles – not to shrink back.  Give Cindy Your wisdom in pacing me.  I am so tired – maybe dinner will revive me.  Frank and Fran are coming to talk about vitamins.  Help us make the right decisions.

 

Please restore my ability to sing and play the guitar that I might worship You and lead our family in worship.  Also Shannon wants me to lead their group.  I would love to if that is Your will and You would be pleased to give me the strength.  Oh – how I need strength – I am so totally done in.  Help me Lord.  Most of all, don’t let me get discouraged.

 

February 1, 1984

 

Lord, forgive me for drifting away so much lately.  I need You to keep me close.  I need times of entering into Your rest.  It seems I’m so busy or tired now with therapy and trying to be up more.  I do believe I need to be up as much as I can – to really work at building strength back into my body.

 

Help me when I call Lois today – I don’t want to get into a hassle over what supplement to take.  Guide us Lord.  We trust You are guiding Frank in his involvement with nutrition and his disapproval of the orthomolecular society.  We need Your wisdom so much.

 

Shannon wants us Saturday night at their first Bible study.  What should we do Lord?  Aunt Annette is coming Saturday and there is church Sunday.  How much should I try to do?  Where should my priorities lie?  She wants us there for the introduction and forming the group’s foundation.  I feel we need a group like that – to seek and learn to worship You and hear Your voice.  Is it the enemy making it so hard to commit?  Surely You can give me the strength. Or, are we not to be a part of it?  Show us clearly Your will.

 

Draw me back in sweet communion with You.  But help me take my responsibilities as I am able – don’t let me be lazy Lord.

 

I am walking so much better – I feel like I am strong but as soon as I get out and try to do things (like the Boutique with Martha yesterday) I see my weakness.  It is so hard to pace myself.  I don’t want to just sit back and become an invalid because I am afraid of setbacks.  Give me special discernment and wisdom.  Show me when to start walking, driving, etc.  Help me not to worry about what people think of me and my pace.  Continue to strengthen me.  My legs seem stronger and straighter.  The mornings are somewhat better – especially in my legs although my back and body spasms persist.  I recover quickly when I am up though and seem to do well through the day.  My back and arms tire so easily – I really am at a loss about my arms – I want to use them more and build up what strength is left.

 

I want to go to User-11 classes next week if You will it Lord.  Help me schedule that week properly.  Show me how to glorify You and help others because of all these trials.  Destroy the pride that rises up so often.  Forgive me Lord for truly every good thing that has come of this has been entirely of You.  Help me to share in a way that You are seen – not me.  You are wonderful – worthy of all praise.

 

Help my diet Lord – it’s been deteriorating.  It do want to treat my body right - help to make it strong.  Teach me how to rest during the day.  The times when I am so tired are always when the kids get home and want me.  Help me rest earlier that I might have strength for them and for our evenings together.

 

I need You – fill me with Your Spirit.  Empower me for this day.  Grant me the wisdom to know how to schedule my days and activities that my strength might be restored.  Help me really love Jim more and keep my commitment to intercede for him.  I do love him so – I want to show it more – to really be a help in his life – and the Ernies too – they are so sweet.

 

Dr. Holston decided to give me B-12 shots.  My talk with Lois went well and she wants to see me Sunday – I let her know we aren’t prepared to buy any more than what Frank suggested – give us strength and wisdom when she comes – and discernment.

 

Therapy was easy – Cindy really backed off – I am okay.  She was impressed with my improved balance and straighter knees.  We discussed walking outside – maybe next week; driving – too soon to tell – maybe no good while my feet are weak and spastic – hope we work on those soon.

 

As I am planning computer classes, company (Olsons, Aunt Annette), possible Bible study, plus therapy, Dr. appointments, dentist – I feel a little overwhelmed.  And yet I am feeling strong enough to be getting bored with resting.  Again, I’m depending on You.  I hate to leave my sweet resting place in You – don’t let me lose it Lord. 

 

Skip and Jackie have been special blessings – I really love them.  They are sweet friends and fun to talk to.  Bless them in their walk with You.  Jackie has done so much to help and Skip keeps me occupied with all his wild tapes.  Thanks for friends who love You.  Make me a blessing to them.

 

February 3, 1984

 

Oh Lord, things are so hard for me again.  I can’t seem to keep my mind on You and haven’t been entering Your rest.  How I need You.  How I need to learn to hold on to the things You show me when Your presence is so near.  Then the wilderness comes again and I can’t find that sweet place – help me to trust and hold on to Your truth – knowing it hasn’t changed.  You have clearly shown me Your good intentions towards me and comforted me and given me back my joy and peace.  Now – when things are harder – none of that need change.  It is blessed to believe without seeing – help me do that now Lord.

 

Jim is so discouraged with the kids.  They just don’t help like they should.  Help me encourage them to be cheerful helpers.  David blew it on his grades at school – he has so little motivation and really no study habits – help us mold him and teach him without destroying his spirit.  It is so hard Lord.  We want to see him productive – are we expecting too much from him?  Give us wisdom in dealing with laziness and over-emphasis on playing in David and Jenny.

 

My MS symptoms are somewhat flared up since I’ve been more active.  I am physically stronger when I am up more but realize I am not in remission.  I am walking a very fine line which could go either way.  The added physical strength makes me want to be up – to push for normalcy but then come the setbacks.  I don’t know how to arrange my life – how I need Your wisdom.  You have helped me deal with the limitations and pain and to accept them more than I used to but I have to admit it crushes me when my bladder has started acting up after months of being so good.

 

I still get overwhelmed at times by the feeling that I might never be well again.  But I know someday I will have a body – one that will never be sick again – thank you Lord.  Meanwhile, help me to take good care of this body in which Your Holy Spirit dwells.  Help me not to get angry at it – to push it too hard.  But help me not to sit back and let it waste either.

 

Please bless my time out with Jim today.  Lift his spirits and make me a blessing to him Lord.  Bless my time with Lynelle and Joan later today.  Help me to honor You – teach me to let You shine through – less of me Lord – more of You.

 

I love You and ask now for Your cleansing and covering of Your blood and empowering of Your spirit for this busy day.  Thank You Lord.

 

Later - Therapy went well – I am much stronger.  Thank You Lord.  I don’t want to hold myself back but I do need wisdom.  I am encouraged at the fast improvement in strength.

 

Jim is so down.  He is really feeling the pressure of having to haul me and the kids around.  People at work are taking advantage of this to want time off and he feels he has to go along with it.  I am so sorry to put him in such a position.  Please let it all ease up soon.  Help me get someone else to take me to the dentist – maybe Skip.  Help me encourage Jim.  Please bless his time with David and Jenny tonight – they need a good time together.  Help Jim not to be too negative about them – to realize they are still children and that they have many fine qualities.  Most of all, help him not to be so down on himself.  Oh Lord, I don’t want to be a burden – to cause him to struggle.  I love Him so much.  I want so much to help him.  Bring him out of this discouragement.  Bless him in his spirit.  Lift him even now and cover him with Your precious blood.

 

Help me not to get down.  I pray for Your grace to keep me through the ups and downs of my changing situation.  Changes have always been hard for me and I’m struggling to see where things fit in now as I’m getting better.  Help me be more faithful to do the things I can – that Jim wants me to do – like making prayer cards, etc…  Put me in the center of Your will and light my path – don’t let me fall Lord – it’s been a long, hard road.

 

Show me when to be out of the wheel chair – help me not to depend on it longer than I should.  Forgive me when I want pity from others – help me to be free of that wrong desire.  Help me toward wholeness but let me retain the lessons learned in weakness.  Guard my heart from pride.  Make me totally yielded to You that You are clearly seen.

 

I’m feeling so down tonight.  Is it just fatigue?  I don’t know Lord – I lack motivation to do anything.  I played the piano and it hurt my ribs.  I didn’t care and kept on playing.  Jim and the kids went to the concert at the Crystal Cathedral after dinner at Denny’s.  I just had protein, toast and cookies for supper – great, huh?  Maybe I should have gone with them – I’m not really resting – just feeling unsettled.  I wish I hadn’t strained my ribs – I am so DUMB.  I get tired of arranging my life and activities around my body.

 

I read all my old medical reports and saw how much my neurological deficits have increased – why do I do that?  Tonight has been totally destructive.  Forgive me Lord.  Cleanse me of all wrong feelings.  Build me up in Your Spirit.

 

I get jealous of others whose lives are not on hold – I know You don’t want mine to be on hold either – it really isn’t even though sometimes I feel that way.  I was jealous of Susie today when I found out she goes to Dr Newton’s church and Delores is her Wednesday night teacher.  Isn’t that silly?  Why do I want to hold on to people so much?

 

I’ve been wondering if the protein and vitamins are causing my problems – like with yeast or if maybe my hormones are acting up.  I’m certainly in a slump – trying to cover up but barely making it.  Help me to realize that it’s okay.  My spirit is not changed.  I need desperately to hold onto You and Your truth that these little troubles will not pull me down.  Thank You that I can turn to You and unload all this – I know You will see me through.  I don’t want to be a quitter Lord.

 

Please come and touch my breaking heart – ease the hurting and help me accept each phase of this without fighting for truly Your grace is all-sufficient.  I need You now Lord.

 

“Weeping may endure for the night but JOY cometh in the morning.”  Thank You Lord.

 

February 4, 1984

 

Thank You for Your promise to me last night.  I looked it up and found it was Psalm 30:5.  Please bless our time with Aunt Annette today.  Help me with my busy week ahead – I’m wanting to take on the house too – but I know with all my classes and therapy it isn’t time yet – soon enough.

 

Thank you for giving Jim and the kids a good time last night.  Help us know what to do about tonight.  Show us clearly.  Please help me get rid of all the excess fluid in my body and also this cold I seem to be fighting.  Sometimes I just feel like it is all too hard – I’m so close to making it – yet so far.  I’m well enough to want to be doing everything but not strong enough to do it.  I don’t like it at this place.  Oh Lord, forgive me and give me grace for this place.  Make me a blessing and teach me Your secrets of being happy win this place as You did when I was completely down.  It is harder to depend on You but I realize You are my only source of true help.  Only You can help me grow with life amid the disappointments and frustration.

 

I was really put off by what Linda said to me about the body needing parts like me to learn to help, etc.  I know she meant well but it was hard to take.  Help me not to feel wrongly towards her.  Aunt Annette’s visit was really nice.  She is so sweet.  She really looked like she had a hard year though.  I’m so glad she stopped smoking.  She was really impressed with the love of Your people.  I pray she will come to know You in a personal way.

 

Just thinking about all the people here who help us makes me overwhelmed.  I want to just give myself back to them.  Help me to really bless them Lord.  Help me to listen, encourage, and pray for them.  Show me special ways of blessing them.  Help me never to take advantage of their help – to take on my responsibilities as soon as I am able.

 

Evelyn has been such an example of a helper and has used all the strength You’ve given her to bless others.  I want to be that way too.  When I am well, should You give me strength again, I want to share more of myself with others – even now I want to share the things I’ve learned with those in need.  What can I do to honor those who have helped?  Bless them in a very special way Lord.

 

Jim is going to Jake and Shannon’s tonight.  I wish I could go but I guess it isn’t wise at this point.  Bless that meeting Lord.  Bless church tomorrow.  Help me know if I should go to Sunday School too.  I really feel a lot stronger.  We looked at wheel chair cushions and wheel chairs too today.  Jim is leaning towards buying a new one if I can get one at cost from Abbey.  They had real nice ones for about $400 – which would be $280 at cost.  They are real narrow – easier to handle but I would have to be sure not to get too fat in the hips!  Help us make the right decision.  We can make do with the green one and a cushion but it needs work if we are going to be using it a lot.  Fixing it up would cost at least $100 and it is big and awkward.  Show us what to do Lord.  I’m a little afraid of the real narrow ones – even the seat is 16”.  The sides are only 14” apart – I just fit nicely but who knows years from now?  We have to think ahead – maybe we should wait on all of it and just get a cushion for the old green one.

 

Jim’s shopping now and I smell the roast Annette brought cooking in the oven – a brisket – yum!  It’s a big one – should last a few days.  Judy came by for laundry – she is so sweet and cute and dear.  I really love her.  Bless her and help her and Brian with their support needs.  I would really like to do something special for them.  Thanks for giving me a good busy day – filled with people.  I am tired but it is a good tiredness.  Lord, I want You so much to be glorified in my life – I want to yield.  I need Your constant cleansing and power to do Your will.

 

I’m really rambling today.  I like writing to You – clearing my mind and having a way to express my thoughts.  Aglow magazine is considering my manuscript “Complete in Him”.  It’s so neat to be able to share a part of myself and my walk with You with so many people.  Help me to write more about the deep things You have shown me.  Your lessons are everlasting – thank you for them all.

 

February 6, 1984

 

Lord, we lived in such discouragement this weekend.  Jim has been so down spiritually.  I am really struggling with this new physical state of increasing strength but increased MS activity.  I don’t want to let go of my newfound strength but I don’t want to have a relapse either.  My pride has been activated again and I have been worried about people thinking I am lazy by not taking on my responsibilities.  Lord, help me to not care what others think as long as I am really doing right.  Show me clearly what to do now.  I am weary of the struggle.

 

This morning You revealed wonderful things by Your Spirit during prayer.  I hope Jim received these things too.  I sensed Your Spirit totally leading my prayer for Jim – revealing answers and they were for me too!  Help us apply them Lord. 

 

You showed us our discouragement comes from listening to the enemy who would destroy us.  We must use our will to obey You and praise You and rejoice in You as You have commanded throughout Your Word.  We must look at all the good You have done in our lives with grateful hearts, focusing on these and genuinely praising You for Who You are.  We must turn away from looking at our discouragements.  The enemy blinds Jim from seeing his spiritual growth.  His biggest trick of deception is to make Jim unable to see Your goodness and grace at work in him and to glorify You in it.  Therefore, he is robbed of his joy and peace in You.  Help me encourage him and fight a spiritual battle for him through intercession.  Thank You for revealing these things by Your Spirit.

 

The enemy blinds our eyes to our progress and Your good purposes and when we listen, we focus on the negative and are unable to rejoice.  Surely, praise is a sacrifice involving an act of our will and believing in Your goodness when our feelings are wrong.  Surely this praise and adoration and willful giving glory to You will bring us great joy and peace and cause the enemy to flee as we resist him.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  Empower us to do this.  Teach us the secret of abundant life.  Cause us to learn to use our will to obey You even when we are tempted to discouragement.  Cause us to rejoice in all things because You have told us to, not because we feel like it.

 

Oh, what a wonderful truth!  No wonder You tell us again and again to praise You.  We become so easily blinded and deceived but by obeying You we can overcome the lies of the enemy.

 

Oh Lord, work in Jim now to make this real to him.  Enable him to set his will to obey You and to glorify You and praise You – to focus on Your goodness and take his eyes off the failures. Open his eyes to see all You have done and are doing in him.  Bring words of praise to his lips often and bring him into total victory.  Thank You Lord for these truths.  Make them ever so real to us as we seek You.

 

Help me also to look at all You’ve done and to glorify You even when I’m struggling with my situation.  Truly my spirit can rejoice in Your goodness even though my body suffers and I am in a tight place.  As long as I have Your wisdom and guidance, I will have grace to endure these things however long they must last.  Make my desires pure and motivations pure Lord and cause me to seek Your best for my life.

 

You know the pain I have been going through and the disappointments and frustrations. You can make them all work to refine me into a radiant jewel for Your glory and praise.  I love You Lord.  Bless this day and be seen in me.

 

Rejoicing and praising and focusing on the good does not remove the pain and brokenness our trials cause, but it allows us to endure and enables the Lord to use them to refine us to our advantage instead of break our spirit to the enemy’s advantage.  The pain is every bit as real and the breaking is difficult but we realize more and more the separateness of our spirit and can actually be experiencing joy in the midst of pain and sorrow and brokenness - how totally incomprehensible! - Mystery of God – bringing us closer to that unshakable place in Him – that resting place – that hiding place that overcomes the world.

 

Oh, the great eternal values of these lessons learned in pain.  Your Word Lord – put to the test and proven true – not by a life of comfort and ease but by Divine Power for the difficulties and pains of life. I would not have missed this time – may it ever change my life.

 

February 7, 1984

 

Therapy was really hard yesterday.  My back was so sore from the morning spasms so I had lots of trouble with the physical therapy. Cindy talked to me again about the importance of resting short periods and being up short periods.  Phyllis and I had a nice time at lunch.  She is so dear.

 

The MS society said we could keep the wheelchair indefinitely if Dr. Newton writes a prescription so we don’t need to buy one. Thank you Lord. We can get rid of the green one.  The borrowed one is really nice and well suited for our needs.  That was a pleasant surprise.

 

Jackie and I had a good sharing and prayer time today.  I love her and will miss her some much when the leave.

 

February 8, 1984

 

Thank you for your lesson on discouragement Lord for it truly has prepared me for this day.  My heart is heavy but my spirit rejoices in You; my emotions are in turmoil but my spirit is at peace; my body is in pain but I have no fear.  Thank you Lord.

 

I am hurting so much since therapy on Monday – my shoulder is flared up – I know I won’t be able to write for too long as I have to use my left hand.  I don’t know how I’ll get my donor letters done.  They are already late.

 

Dr. Newton was really sweet today.  Thank you for him.  I was jealous again about the Lipps. Bud was so impressed with their talent and involvement in church – Susie’s music etc.  I felt like I’ve lost all that and it hurts.  I want the opportunity to know Bud and Delores personally too. Forgive me for being jealous – thank you for showing me that sin – cleanse me – enable me to genuinely love your people – not to try to impress them – help me be more like You.  Work out Your best plan for our relationship with Bud and Delores – the one that will bless them the most.

 

Help me to overcome this time of weakness.  I praise You and commit it to You.  Help me rest – to do what my body needs until I am over this.  Continue to use me to glorify You.  Help my heart attitude to be right.  You are my strength and my song Lord.

 

“We are troubled on every side, but not distressed; we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed.” 2 Cor. 4:8,9

 

February 9, 1984

 

I am somewhat better today after resting yesterday but I had a hard night with intestinal spasms that made me sick and then early awakening because of my back.  And yet m heart is light today and I am able to rejoice in You Lord. Thank you for this wonderful measure of Your grace.

 

I had a nice visit with Irma this morning. She is so fun. You have given me great joy in Your people and I love more than ever to be with them – another act of Your grace. I’m getting better at writing lefty – if I can just build up some speed I won’t be so dependent on my right arm.  Maybe it is easier to slant this way … No, definitely not!

 

Carol is in bed again indefinitely.  Build her up in her spirit Lord. Show me what to do about the MS support group Dr. Newton talked about. I feel it could be discouraging for me but perhaps You could use me to bless others there.  I’d better not write any more - save up for donor letters – too many back spasms even with my left hand.  Guess my little secret this morning did me in.

 

Thanks for Susie’s visit yesterday.  I know You arranged that. She is so cute and loveable and having such a hard time with her pregnancy.  Help me be a real positive force in her life.  Forgive me for entertaining jealous thoughts.  I see how foolish they are when You come and fill me with Your love.  I need not cry over lost talents. You can use me to bless others even if I can’t play my instruments. I commit all of what I am to You for use as You see fit. Forgive me for wanting to design the ways You will use me.  More of You Lord – less of me. I love You.

 

February 10, 1984

 

Lord, You know how heavy my heart is today. I can’t use my right arm. I have tendonitis for the first time in months and the burning in my stomach too – everything I eat hurts me.  The temptation to discouragement and self-pity is so strong but You have promised me a way out Lord. I want Your way – help me be strong enough in You to take Your way.

 

Thank You for the report that all the girls at therapy see an obvious change in me – a new radiance – all glory to You. Thanks for the nice visit with Nancy and Fran. Thanks that Joyce and Arnie and the kids are coming. Please prepare that time and bless it.  Please use us to show Your love and power to them.

 

I need You so much.  Please restore my ability to write comfortably so I might continue this journal and also write to others.  Please help me with the pain Lord. Sometimes I feel so worn down by it. Help me not to complain or dwell on it. I want to dwell on Your goodness that my joy might be full. Bless our time with Michael today. Draw him to You Lord. Heal his deep hurts.

 

February 12, 1984

 

I had a better night last night after several bad ones. My arm is still bad. Just doing my hair does me in – a lot of weakness and muscle cramping although the spasticity is somewhat better. My bowels have been acting up again and that really makes me uncomfortable. Please help my physical body Lord and begin to strengthen me. No matter what You do, strengthen my spirit that I will continuously praise You.

 

I didn’t go to church today but I listened to Pastor Lou’s tape on praise – a real confirmation of the things You have been speaking to my heart. And he said how we must always tell others of the things You do and of Your greatness – this is essential to our growth.

 

Forgive me for thinking that I am suffering because I have shared so much lately. Even if that is true that I am suffering for Your sake, then I can rejoice in that. No, I will not be silent to avoid trouble. Surely You can be depended on to thoroughly keep me and use all for my good.

 

Show me what to do about therapy and help me to guide Cindy. Give her wisdom to help me in the right ways. I want my arms back – it is so hard like this. You know my pain Lord and You can remove it or make me happy and productive in it. I do so want the freedom to write again.

 

I praise You Lord and ask You to fill me with Your Spirit. Empower me anew for this day. Make me a blessing to my family and all who come here. I know You are doing a special thing that will make me a better servant and prepare me for greater use in Your Spirit – not in my strength which is destined to fail. Be close to me now as I seek You.

 

February 13, 1984

 

Lord, help me – I am sinking. The days often seem empty and meaningless. I am better but my arms still are weak. Jenny is sick and bored and I feel like I’m getting a cold again. Jim will be gone 3 days next week and then Joyce comes so I have to put off going to the dentist again.  I am walking quite well – sometimes I think I could just be normal. Am I making myself an invalid?

 

Jenny drains me – it’s hard to keep her happy and I see I am still afraid of sickness. Please help me. This time seems endless. I don’t know how to move on. I can’t handle Joyce’s visit if I am like this. Please come to me - rescue Lord. I need another boost. Be pleased to deliver me. I just feel so hopeless sometimes – I need Your help continuously.

 

Bedtime – Lord I commit it all to You – to Your keeping. I know You love me. I love You. I will continue to tell of Your greatness and unfailing mercy and grace. Please touch Jenny quickly if it pleases You and I will praise You for it. Be pleased also to protect us. We are Your children.

 

February 14, 1984

 

Jenny has the flu – poor baby – she looks terrible. Nancy says it lasts about a week and is easily relapsed if they do too much too soon. Help her Lord and protect us. Thank You for taking the real fear away and blessing my time with Jenny today.

 

Bless our time with Hal and Evelyn tonight. They are taking us to Seacliff. Help Jenny to feel OK while we are gone.

 

Mary brought homemade éclairs today – says we should eat them today but we’ll probably have to wait til tomorrow. She’s so sweet – she did the dishes and visited a while. I am tired from visiting and taking care of Pooh Bear (Jenny!). Give me strength to relax and enjoy tonight.

 

I’ve had a lot of low back pain today and some leg weakness but my arms seem better – PTL. Mom and Dad sent us a beautiful plate for our anniversary – it’s really special.  I want to call them tomorrow to thank them. Help me at therapy tomorrow and bless my time with Jackie and Nancy. Thank You for friends to share with.

 

I am so tired – please lift me up. Help me not to fret over Joyce’s visit but to trust You to give us health and strength for that time. I need You so much. I praise You and rejoice in You. Let Your light shine in me. Use me to bless Your people.

 

The days are long and slow. I want to be used every day to feel Your presence and approval. I haven’t put out the effort to seek You as much lately but my heart longs for You and Your presence. Help me be in Your Word more Lord.

 

February 15, 1984

 

Thank you Lord for a much better day. Jenny was feeling so much better although she still looks terrible. We will keep her home the rest of the week so she can get her strength back.

 

Jose (our bird) was real sick this morning and I thought we might lose him. Thank you for touching him too – that he is back to his crazy self. Jenny said I was more worried about him than her!

 

Therapy went well. Andy left my arms and back alone and worked on my walking. In the mirror I could see how awkward my walking is. The parallel bars have helped me walk more naturally. I am doing much better with walking. It has been hard to realize that I have a problem. My legs are real tired tonight. My arms are better but still touch. I ate a lot of junk today. I must do better. I am really getting flabby and out of shape ever though my weight is low.

 

I haven’t been with You much today. Seems I get busy, then tired. I miss my special times with You. But I have felt lighter in my spirit. I know You are helping me. I can laugh and have fun with my family.

 

We had a nice dinner with Hal and Evelyn at Reuben’s since Seacliff was closed. I had red snapper and it was so good. Poor Jenny was a mess when we got home. I thank You so much for touching her. Help me draw near to You. Teach me how to abide – not only when I’m in a crisis but on the long, boring days when nothing is happening, on the disappointing days and on the busy days. Make me a light to everyone who comes here. Help me bless those who are helping me so much.  I love you Lord.

 

February 16, 1984

 

Oh Lord, I am struggling again. I can hardly keep up the fight. I feel so dependent and burdensome. I don’t want to take advantage. Please keep me from being a burden to friends like Skip and Jackie. They have done so much – I don’t want to expect too much. Help me to be careful to pay them for postage, etc. as they have taken care of things for me. Skip will take me to the dentist Tuesday if all goes well. Maybe I should have waited until after Joyce. But I know Jim is so pressured and hating to take time off.

 

He had such a bad morning this morning. I feel like such a failure to meet his needs. Please help us physically Lord. Please help me to accept where I’m at now. Sometimes I fell like things will never be right again. I’m tired of hurting and having to work so hard to keep the victory. You have given me many precious keys spiritually but today I am hurting too much inside. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost any of what You’ve given me. Help me make the right choices today – not to say yes to the enemy’s offer of self pity and despair when You offer joy and hope. I receive Your joy and hope by faith and praise You that I can rejoice through this.

 

Help me not to think negative about myself and needing help. I want to be a light to those who help me that they would be enriched by Your Spirit. Sometimes I think I am fooling myself to expect to get through therapy successfully. Help me take one day at a time and to be encouraged by each small step.  Please comfort me today. I feel so heavy hearted. I know it is OK – that You are with me and will bring more enlightenment to me as I go through these difficult times.

 

Your promises for today: “Though I have afflicted thee, I will afflict thee no more.” (Nah. 1:12)

“Be patient O sufferer. The result will more than compensate for all our trials when we see how they wrought out the far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. To have one word of God’s commendations; to be honored before the holy angels; to be glorified in Christ, so as to be better able to flash His glory on Himself – oh, that will more than repay for all.” From Tried by Fire

 

February 22, 1984

 

Today I did a load of wash, washed the kitchen floor and did breakfast dishes. I had to rest for hours but I came out OK. It is time to start taking on responsibility. Help me pace it right. My legs are so much better but my arms are very touchy – spastic by night. Morning spasticity is somewhat increased again. I feel much better but have constant reminders that I still have a long road ahead.

 

I have been numb in my spirit lately and giving in to my emotions. Thanks that Jim had a good birthday. But Monday was crummy – we are all so unsettled. I have not interceded – I have really let go. Help me Lord.

 

I feel so frustrated and alone, trying to grab the life that is within my reach and slipping back – unsettled in my spirit. I want Your peace but I’m holding on to my ways. Oh, how can I let go in this place? I don’t want people doing everything anymore. I can do it – maybe slowly and in stages but I can. I want so much to be useful again – in any way. These days have been so futile and negative. I feel like I have NOTHING to look forward to and nothing to give. Help me be transparent – not to try to cover up. My heart is breaking – I have no strength to follow after the spirit. I want back my talents and abilities.

 

Forgive me Lord. I know I am not yet fully yielded to You. There is so much of self. I want to be willing to be in the background – but to please You. Help me to have my eyes off of men and what they think of me. Give me a pure heart. Show me the way to live in the spirit by faith – when things are dry – that I would not come to You only to be blessed but to bless You out of a faithful heart of love.

 

February 27, 1984

 

Happy birthday Mom! Thanks for the nice talk with the folks and for a really nice day Sunday with Jim and the kids. Thanks for showing me that it is all right to grieve. Help me be positive now – not to hold on to negative views of my condition. Let the grieving have it’s healing in my emotions.

 

Thanks for the nice walk with Skip Thursday. - for the birds and flowers and the sharing time with Jackie. They are such wonderful friends.

 

Therapy was good Friday but I realized my goals and Cindy’s are different. I want and expect to get around again without the wheel chair. I think not. I can’t really believe that – I feel almost ready now. I trust You Lord.

 

My arms are bad. I really need to adjust to the ever-changing problems. I am struggling with what I can and can’t do. I just want to be free and at peace. I don’t want to be a burden. Show me how to live Lord. Help me formulate my thoughts to minister to others who are suffering. You have helped me so much. I want to learn to accept my own reactions and emotions while allowing You to help me grow. Thank You that You are not as hard on me as I am. I love You Lord.

 

I want to get back to writing more regularly and writing to people like Debbie. Give me strength to do that Lord. Help me keep things in the proper perspective. Thanks for the call with Evelyn and Shannon today. Bless them. Bless my walk with Nancy today. Help me to progress – not to be afraid to walk. Thanks for Nancy’s willingness to help me.

 

February 28, 1984

 

2 Corinthians 4 is such a blessing once again. Lord it is so true for me. I love verses 16-18. The Amplified Bible is especially precious.

 

“Therefore, I do not become discouraged – utterly spiritless, exhausted and wearied out thru fear (I know how awful that is). Though my outer man is progressively decaying and wasting away, yet my inner self is being progressively renewed day after day. For my light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for me an everlasting weight of glory – beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease! Since I consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting) but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.  Thank you Lord.

 

I again claim the verses You gave me from Philippians 1:19,20.

 

“Yes, and I shall rejoice [hereafter] also. For I am well assured and indeed know that through your prayers and a bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, my Messiah, this will turn out for my preservation [for the spiritual health and welfare of my own soul and avail toward the saving work of the Gospel]. This is in keeping with my own eager desire and persistent expectation and hope that I shall not disgrace myself nor be put to shame in anything; but that with the utmost freedom of speech and unfailing courage, now as always hereafter Christ the Messiah will be magnified and get glory and praise in this body of mine and be boldly exalted in my person whether through life or through death.”

 

February 29, 1984

 

Thank you for this beautiful day Lord. Jim took me to Penneys and I bought an all weather coat with some of my Guidepost money. I walked to the car on the sloped sidewalk! I walked from the car to the mall entrance! I walked into Pizza Hut for lunch and left the wheelchair in the car and I walked to the house from the car!

 

I wrote to Debbie, wrote a rough draft of our donor letter and can still write this in my journal – PTL! I am enjoying a good day but not depending on it to always be this way. I do have increased hope of getting much better though in spite of all Cindy and the MS books say. It is all in Your Hands Lord and I know You will bless me no matter what happens.

 

David rode his bike to school today for the first time. I am anxious to see how he does coming home. Thanks for a good day Lord.

 

March 5, 1984

 

I certainly haven’t kept this journal up very well. I got out of the habit when my arm was so bad. Help me get back to writing regularly Lord for then I can see and document all You are doing in my life.

 

Cleanse me of evil and impure thoughts and actions. I really fell into willful sin today that way – Lord help me not to be so weak but to really take on Your perfect strength. Thank you for cleansing me. Help me to always walk in the light but not to excuse sin in my life just because You forgive me. Help me to be truly sorry.

 

Lord, You know how I have been fighting about speaking at church. I know You have taught me a lot which can help others but I feel so unqualified to share and also lacking in so many ways. I want to be willing to share and also willing to be silent – whatever Your desire. Make my motives entirely pure and anoint and empower me if You want me to share. I am willing to be Your voice but I must have Your message – I have nothing worthwhile in me. Only Your grace is of worth in my life. Help me to realize that completely – forgive me when I am proud for I know what an utter failure I really am. But in You I have everything. If I am to share, please let all eyes be brought to focus on You – then I have no fear or self-consciousness.

 

Thank you that I am walking so much better now and feeling so much stronger. I am really struggling with the pains of spastic bladder and intestines – digestion has been difficult and I am in frequent pain. It seems I am always reminded of my affliction – when one part improves, another worsens. Help me have a right attitude that You might use every suffering of mine to work an eternal weight of glory. Forgive me when I complain. Surely I need not fear for You are always in control of my life. Help me draw close to You.

 

March 8, 1984

 

I’ve been so “busy” lately; I really haven’t taken time to be with you Lord. I’m sorry. I need to learn to live the life of victory when things are going well as well as when things are tough. I need to take all You taught me in the valley and apply it during my upward climb. I can’t always expect Your grace to be so evident as I have less need. I want that closeness Lord – for always. Teach me how to have it in health and wholeness as well as in sickness and brokenness. Help me to be faithful in the things You have taught me – to live them and proclaim them – they are so precious.

 

Thank you that I’m so much better – the spasticity is greatly reduced. I am walking better and have so much more strength and energy. My bowels and bladder continue to be a problem and I am disappointed when it seems that nothing of real value can be done to help. Sometimes I think there’s something more wrong than MS, but these times always pass. Help me to trust You completely and the wisdom that Dr. Newton has from You. Help me share with him the value, necessity and importance of grieving – that it is not spiritual weakness but often God’s own tool to heal inner needs and bring relinquishment. I guess I feel intimidated by him and unable to express my grief – unable to be really transparent - it bothers me. I do love and appreciate him. Show me what to do. Thank you that You are far more accepting of me than we are of ourselves and each other.

 

Prepare me to share Lord – in chapel and in church – show me Your message for Your people. Use me to minister to needs – deep needs – take away fear and self-consciousness and make me radiant with Your Spirit. I am willing to be Your spokesman – as weak and messed up as I am – for You can use anyone who is willing. I am willing Lord. Take this weak vessel – this failure and use her for Your glory. Show me exactly what to share.

 

March 9, 1984

 

Today I can hardly go. I still have diarrhea and pain and lots of pain in my arms and legs. I guess yesterday was too much for me. Help me be wise in my convalescence. Sometimes I feel so normal – I forget where I’m coming from!

 

My visit with Linda was good. She shared deep needs and is really hurting. Oh Lord do a real miracle in that home. Help us to be faithful to pray for them and be good supportive friends.

 

Pastor Lou’s call was a real surprise. I know Pastor Lou and Janet’s hearts are breaking. Oh Lord, it’s so hard to see them suffer so. Please bring victory soon. Sustain them by Your grace – help Janet Lord. Minister to her breaking heart.  Even as we cuddled our little Jenny today I could not imagine the awful torment of seeing her life pulled from You. May in never happen. She is so pretty – don’t let her fall into traps of the immoral world Lord. Make her spirit strong and devoted to You.

 

Thank you for the postponement of the extermination. I pray they will wait until we see what the warmer weather brings and will not do it at all if not clearly necessary. Please anoint my thoughts Lord and help me to prepare for chapel Monday. I need to concisely present what You have shown me. I want to know Your message and I want to realize this can be a way I can bless Your people. May You alone be seen.

 

March 13, 1984

 

Thank you Lord for blessing my sharing in chapel yesterday. I was so nervous ahead of time but You really put me at ease and flowed through me as I shared. Many people were touched and I praise You and give You the glory. Surely the message is Your Word for others not just for me. I feel more confident about sharing at church now Lord. Help me be continuously dependent on You as I’m getting better. Don’t let me lose the excitement and reality of all You’ve done and shown me. Enable me to share in health as well as in sickness – to be a comforter and a balm to those who are in pain emotionally or physically.

 

Help me to spend more time in prayer – not to waste away my time.  Also to continue to know how much to do – when to get back to work, etc. I have much more strength than a few weeks ago and can endure activity for longer periods but still set back often. The set backs aren’t as long or devastating though and I feel encouraged that I can get back to a more active life if I am careful. My arm is shot today after all the writing I did preparing for yesterday.

 

Jim is in S. F. today and it is lonely without seeing him. Tomorrow is therapy and I am even more improved. I see the real possibility of being without the wheelchair soon. But I know You will help me and use me no matter what happens as long as I yield to You. I want to Lord. Help me be in Your Word more – to really mature in You. Help me write more often and to work on a new article – not to procrastinate all the time.

 

Thank you for my precious family. They are such a joy!! Bless those going thru family struggles – there are so many Lord. They need Your grace so much.

 

My left arm is as bad as my right today – help me Lord.

 

March 19, 1984

 

Thank you Lord for opening our eyes to our children’s hurts. Oh Lord, I am so grieved for the hurt and misunderstanding I’ve caused them, especially David. I wish I could go back and redo his early years and really love him. I can only ask You to forgive me for my total selfishness and heal the wounds in him. Help us now to really support him, to build him up. Thank you for making him so sweet and for putting such knowledge of Your Word in him. Give us the grace to over look things and encourage the good. Draw us close to him. Help me be a listener Lord – help me to be there for him – to know his heart and to care about those things he cares about. Help him in his desire to be free of his wrong drives for the computer. Enable him to control that. Help us make his home a shelter that he loves and feels safe in. As he’s growing up, bind us together Lord.

 

And help me love Jenny too – to go beyond the irritation – to see her heart and her needs and to love her, correct her and help her be the person she is meant to be. Forgive me for placing all the burden on her, for not being willing to help her and then building up “righteous” disgust towards her.

 

Forgive me Lord for wanting to minister to others when my own are hurting and don’t have my full support. Forgive me for not keeping my commitment to pray for Jim – for expecting him to be strong on his own.

 

Lord, make me an instrument of blessing to these I love so much. Bring me beyond myself and my needs. Help me nurture them. Undo all the wrong I’ve done. Show me ways to be a fun part of their lives – even when I can’t physically do things. Don’t let me use my tiredness as an excuse to cop out on them.

 

I need You Lord. You know how weary I am of the battle to make it back – to know where I stand. You know how tired I am – how weak emotionally I am – how unhappy I am with all the skin problems and weaknesses that are always there. And You know too how afraid I am of all my responsibilities, as I’m getting better. What a mixture of desires and fears. Deliver me. Ingrain Your lessons into my life. Make me truly thankful for all things. Make me a good wife and mother.

 

I commit my life anew to You and the areas of home life that I’ve not yielded in are Yours. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. Cleanse me and empower me to bless my dear family. I praise You Lord because You are wonderful and worthy and able to do all these things. I can rejoice knowing You are for me in all this and want these same things for me. Thank you Father. Help me to prepare for Quest too – You know how ill prepared I am. I need to know Your Word so much better.

 

Jenny and Jason are “going around together.” Help her through these emotions and struggles. It’s cute but I know to her it is so important. Help me remember how intense those feelings can be and to be a help to her. Show us what to do about Palm Springs this weekend. Hal and Evelyn want us to go.

 

March 20, 1984

 

Oh Lord, You know my grief. I am so hurting. I feel so torn. I know the keys to victory but I am not using them – I am back in brokenness. Maybe I never really finished with that stage. Maybe it’s okay and now that I know the good that follows I can be encouraged. I know You are giving me an opportunity to really learn all these lessons. I know I am not yet there. Help me accept this grief as another step to relinquishment.

 

My legs are spastic; my skin problem is getting unbearable. It seems I take 5 steps forward and 4 backward. And I am still afraid of responsibility. I know this hinders my physical progress. I so need to be set free – free to grieve and free to heal – free to accept whatever my state in life. I know that is where You want me to be – so secure in Your Spirit that these external things no longer affect me.

 

Bring me out of myself Lord. Help me rest physically as I know I need it. Give us wisdom about the trip this weekend. Maybe it could do me some good. Bring Your good purposes out of my brokenness. Let it work to refine me. Turn my away from self pity Lord. Help me again see that this is not spiritual defeat – only hurting and disappointment that You have allowed to help me grow. Thank You for not letting me grow shallow – for constantly challenging me in my spirit – for giving me opportunities to choose the path of life – to make Your lessons a real part of my heart.  I praise You Lord and commit it all to You. I ask nothing except that You make me what You want me to be.

 

March 21, 1984

 

Lord, please be with my cousin Sam Revits who is having surgery today for cancer of the colon. Oh Lord, use this to bring him to Yourself. Mom and Dad asked for prayer – a real exciting thing to me. Please use this to work in their life to bring them to You. Daddy is so depressed about getting old, realizing the end of his life is near. Please bring my Daddy into Your Kingdom – and Mom too. I know You can do all things Lord – they need You so.

 

Forgive me Lord for living in defeat and despair yesterday – for totally giving in. Thank you that today is a new beginning – that I don’t have to live in that failure. Thank you for Your lessons which I need so much every day. They are true and right and I praise You Lord. I love You.

 

Thank you for opportunities to share. Forgive me for wanting to spare myself. I want to be willing after counting the cost, knowing that what I am doing is Your will and for the eternal good of others. These momentary light afflictions of body and emotion can’t compare to the glory the Truth brings to lives for all eternity. Help me to I really love Dr. Newton – not to have a negative attitude. He has been so kind and good to me. Forgive me for wanting his pity. Help me be a real blessing to him and Delores.

 

Show me what to do about my skin and this weekend. I am better after resting but need wisdom to know how to manage – I really get tired. Most of all, I want to please You. I take this day in for Your mercies are new each morning. I turn from fear to You, my source of strength and life. Hallelujah!

 

March 25, 1984

 

Lord, forgive me for all my complaining and lack of trust. Forgive me for bitterness and unforgiving heart and jealousy. Cleanse me of every trace of these sins Lord. Fill me anew with Your Spirit. Give me the power to rejoice in all things. You are surely in control of my life and know what’s best. Take me Lord and give me peace and joy in You and the ability to share the good news of Your grace and acceptance of us in our brokenness and trails.

 

Help me not to run away from brokenness. Lord, I thought I was past it. I want You to achieve Your best in my life and I will not shrink back.  You know my pain, my fears, my struggle. You are in them all but able to deliver me out of them. My trust is in You. I forgive Dr. Newton and love him and release him in Your Name. Take me today Lord and relieve the heaviness. I put on the garment of praise.

 

March 26, 1984

 

Thank you for Your Words to me in church and Your encouragement not to give up but to carry on and to be willing to suffer for Your sake. It meant a lot to me – also Sunday School where we learned that even though we plan, You direct our path and control our future as we ask for help.

 

Why is my heart so heavy today? Why am I resisting so much? Lord, help me break, help me put down my burden – it’s too heavy for me. I receive Your help. Bless my sharing and writing as I set my heart to share the truth even though I am struggling for it. Show me how to develop all of what You’ve shown me about brokenness. Help me to relieve others of the guilt and frustration that goes with it. Thank you that I’m not doing too badly after such an exhausting day yesterday.

 

My arms and hand hurts me though. I need Your healing touch but if You choose not to I need to have the grace to turn my eyes from my problem to You. Bring me back to that sweet place in You where pain cannot destroy. Take away my yearnings for lost talents and replace them with yearnings for You and Your Kingdom. Help me realize how short my time on earth is that I might let You use me to the fullest. I know You will make me happy again and I praise You.

 

March 27, 1984

 

Lord, I am beginning to see that the steps to victory in suffering are cyclical. I must go through them again and again as You teach me more and bring me closer to the unshakeable place. I thought I was there and couldn’t believe I was back at step 2 again. But here I am. Please help me apply the steps that my experience might be rich and meaningful and not a bitter one.

 

I feel like giving up physically. I can only get so far and then everything goes on me. I seem normal but then everything goes. Cindy is starting to release me from therapy. She will not even try to build strength and endurance but just leave me to function when I can. I don’t know how I feel about it. I always seem to do better at my own pace but I really don’t know how to build up endurance. Please help me. My skin problem is worse since I got the medicine and a desperate attempt to use anti-depressant ended in being a zombie. You have to be my anti-depressant Lord. You need to spur me on and give me hope.

 

Deliver me from fear and self-centeredness. Help me to be able to share if You want me to. Otherwise I just can’t Lord. You must give me grace for where I’m at so that I know You want me to share. I’m too weak – help me to be completely weak so Your strength can fill me. Self is still so strong. Thank you that You are for me and will not allow anything to come against me except as You will use it for my good.

 

April 3, 1984

 

Lord, You have been speaking to me so much about fleeing from discouragement and allowing You to be seen in and through me as I go through these trails. You know how heavy my heart has been, how much I have wavered, how I have lost my sense of direction. I really believe You want me to go on sharing and because I have fainted and fallen back in fear I have lost the reality of what You have given me.

 

I ask You to forgive me Lord and I set my heart to serve You and share although the cost is high to me. But the cost is nothing compared to all You have done for me and if others can be made rich through my poverty then I am most blessed. Take me back Lord, continue to mold me and allow me to be used in the midst of my weakness. Thank you for my weakness that You can be seen and heard and not me for I have nothing – I am nothing but You are everything.

 

Thank you for touching so many lives through my talk – for the many tapes that have gone out to minister beyond the Wycliffe family – for the opportunity to encourage our WBT and SIL family all over the world with these truths. Anoint and bless my write-up that it might have the same impact and concisely state Your lessons. And show me Your messages for Newport Mesa. Deliver me from anxiety and fear.

 

Lord You know how I keep being amazed when I realize my limitations and yet I am improving. Continue to guide my life. Help me not to build up expectations but to fully trust the way You choose to work in my life. Make me an encouragement to Jim. He is so down. Help him to acknowledge You. Lift the vail from his spiritual eyes to see You more clearly. Bind the work of Satan in his life. Help Jenny too as she’s struggling with limitations from her allergies. Help me to help her – not just get on her case. I do love her and want to see her happy. Help us to discipline her – not to give in because she is do difficult.

 

Make me a blessing to all I see today. Help me to get back into Your Word and into the Spirit again. Bring me in deeper Lord. I want to go all the way with You. Be pleased to strengthen me for Saturday for the writer’s conference. Show me what to do about a trip to San Jose. I don’t want to selfishly keep the family from these things. Also please lead Dick and Bonnie to write and clear the air. I would never want to hurt them.

 

Help me today to be filled continuously with Your Spirit – to run from discouragement and to stand in Your promises. Destroy the enemy’s oppression that has come against me. Set me free. Fight for me Lord as I am weak and wounded and cry to You - the help of the helpless.  I love You Lord.

 

April 5, 1984

 

Lord, You certainly made my 40th birthday memorable! I was dreading it so and yet it was the best ever. You just showed me special love all day long. I got so many cards with lovely messages, a beautiful plant from Carol West, a magnificent book from Firchows, the unbelievable flowers with balloons and streamers from Pat, a friend of Wycliffe who has been praying for me. Then my own dear family made me a steak dinner and had a party with cake, ice cream, etc. Jim took me for pizza for lunch. The kids gave me bird statues and Jim gave me Joni’s record and another neat record. I felt really loved and special.

 

Today Skip took me for a walk and Phyllis brought Kentucky chicken. We had a nice visit. I got the donor letter done (almost). People are still wanting my taped messages. Thank you Lord for using me. I finally said yes to Pastor Wood – he said he know I would. Someone already gave him a tape. I am trusting You now to help me as I prepare to tighten it up and add what You want. Help me Lord for I want You to be seen and others to be enriched. Protect me from the enemy.

 

Please help me get back on a good diet. I am really doing worse than ever and feeling bad too. Help me. I pray You would heal my skin problems too. Thank you. Jim says maybe I can do the work for the regional office. Help me Saturday to learn a lot at the workshop Lord. Give me strength.  Thanks again for loving me – for turning my 40th birthday into a very special occasion.

 

Streams in the Desert really spoke to me this past week. I want to write what You’ve spoken to me but will wait until I am stronger. Give me strength to finish the donor letter, etc.  Thanks.

 

April 11, 1984

 

So much has happened and I haven’t kept this up. Help me do better Lord. You have given me such encouragement in our morning devotional readings. Today was such a confirmation of the path You have placed me on. “What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light.” (Matt. 10:27) You have told me secrets, great and wonderful in the darkness of affliction. These revelations imply a corresponding responsibility to speak in the light. Thank you Lord. I will with Your help. This gives new meaning to suffering. It is good that I have been afflicted. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being a healing balm to others through my own brokenness.

 

Bible study was special last night with Elaine Townsend. She is so dynamic - bless her and give her much strength. Other special words You have given me are: “Do not yield to discouragement for a discouraged soul is helpless and cannot resist the evils of the devil. Flee from every symptom.” Make this real to Jim today.

 

Elisha prayed and said, “Lord, I pray thee open his eyes that he may see.” (2 Kings 6:17) I pray this for Jim today. Let him see all events of the crushing of his soul that he might flee from every lie. Let him not faint in his spirit. There is so much more but my arm can’t last. Help me record day by day Your lessons.

 

Thanks for the writer’s conference and the day at the Wrights and my nice talk with Dr. Newton. Draw me close to You. Show me Your desires for me and lead me on the path of productive obedience. Protect me from being overwhelmed. My arm is shot. I’ve barely said the minimum. Bless the Ernies (our nickname for our kids) too. They are so sweet. Thanks for the continuing evidence of Your anointing on my chapel talk as I continue to get feedback on it – that it is blessing many and reaching many more. Praise You for taking my weakness and using me. Thank you for allowing me this honor Lord.

 

April 12, 1984

 

Thank you for Your incredible grace. Forgive me for allowing the enemy to defeat our family – for not fighting. Help us Lord. Help our worship times and forgive me for not praying with Jim this morning. How easily we are defeated – how quickly we bite the dust. And yet You are always there to pick us up. I need you so Lord. I am so totally weak – in every way. Please build Your character into me. Please give me self-control.

 

I really want to learn to live in the present. Help me to prepare for Mothers Day so it is not such a threatening thing. Help me not to worry about how to use my time and talents. I need to put things in order – to know Your will.

 

Thanks for a wonderful time at the park with Skip. The ducks and geese followed us everywhere! We saw so many kinds of ducks. One had reddish chestnut feathers and a turquoise blue beak! He looked like he was painted for Easter. We saw a little bird with a head like a cardinal and a grey body. He was so beautiful. There were so many birds and gorgeous fragrant flowers everywhere. I could have stayed there forever. Thank you for Skip. He will never know how much joy that brought me. I even felt physically better after enjoying myself so much. Maybe we can all go there during spring break. It would be fun to go early before the crowds and have the birds to ourselves. Thanks for my Jim too and the nice break we had together.

 

April 24, 1984

 

The past few weeks have been so hard. I feel like I’ve lost sight of all You’ve taught me. I’m struggling mentally and physically. You know it all Lord. I know nothing has changed. What You have shown me is as true now as I was then. I know You love me.

 

Today You told me, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you … Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27. Thank you Lord. I receive Your peace. Thank you for You are always with me, especially when I am weak and weary. Thank you for Easter. I realized how much You suffered – how much You know about spasms.

 

I want Your will – I want to glorify You and bring life and truth to others. I want my health too whenever You want me well. Whatever state I’m in, I want to glorify You. Help me not to be afraid of receiving from You – not to think how I can best glorify You but to trust You to do exactly what is right.

 

I give You the Mother’s Day services – anoint and bless me as I prepare. Speak through me – take away all fear and self-consciousness. I know I am doing Your will – that is enough. Guard my heart from pride. I really want to please You. I really want to praise You and love You and make You happy.

 

May 4, 1984

 

Lord, I feel so far away. I can’t find my resting place. And yet I know You are with me although the way is cloudy. Thank you for blessing my sharing at the bilingual church in Santa Ana. It was another confirmation of Your special message and it was so easy to share – I felt like I’d only talked 5 minutes.

 

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite though because I can’t be where I was at when You showed me those things. I know they are still true but they don’t seem as real now – it is hard. Also, as I am getting better I feel like I shouldn’t be posing as an invalid. I feel like I’m held in my illness to make my testimony more credible. Forgive me Lord – help me to grow in strength and accept more and more - not to be afraid of being well. Only You can make my testimony worth hearing and the state I am in really doesn’t matter – only Your anointing.

 

I know I still have to be careful. I am barely over the worst bladder attack ever and an attack in my hands. My back is tired from doing too much. But I am amazed at what I can do. I am cooking again, doing all the laundry, straightening up and doing dishes. I made it through a whole day at Disneyland, even though I couldn’t ride the rides. I am so much better and yet still so fragile. Help me balance my recovery well and to be content with however things should go. Deliver me from fear of getting worse and fear of responsibility if I get better. Teach me to live one day at a time and to make the most of my time – to really love my family.

 

Help me this coming week to prepare and be at peace about Mother’s Day. Help me learn the Rainbow computer and also get ready for Quest. Please postpone the test and help me prepare. Bless Jim today – help him walk in You. Please restore our worship times. We need the help of Your Spirit. Destroy the lies of the enemy and cause him to flee from us Lord. Help Jenny over her hurt of Jason not loving her any more. Poor little thing – and she’s so cute. Bless and protect my babies and please prepare a good summer for them Lord. Bless our vacation time and help us enjoy just being together.

 

Thank you for all Your provisions. Help us be more faithful to pray for our supporters. I just haven’t been praying Lord. I need You so. I need to get my focus on You and off my little problems and failures. Thank you that You are always ready to receive me back – that this moment is a new beginning. Here I am Lord – use me.

 

May 14, 1984

 

Lord, I just want to thank You for Your special anointing yesterday. I know You did many things in lives – more than I’ll ever know. I can only praise You for giving me the privilege of speaking healing and peace to Your people. Thank you. It was worth it all. May You go on to be exalted and glorified through the things You’ve shown me.

 

I am so weak today. Yesterday I was totally drained. Thank you for giving me peaceful rest and showing me the importance of putting on Your armor and filling my mind and spirit with Your Word. I want to learn to be able to minister without having to lose it all – help me and fill me anew. Show me I can be restored to strength. Surround me with Your angels and protection. Cover me with Your precious blood.

 

Thank you for Harry Nelson’s son who came back to You after 13 years of rebellion. Thank you that I could have a small part in speaking to his heart with Your words of healing.  Thanks for Jim and Jenny and David – for the nice Mother’s Day they gave me. Thanks too for my mother and how You are working in her life. I want to go on in You Lord – to learn and grow – to please and honor You in all things – to truly have heavenly vision. Thanks for helping Jenny and Jay to do better. Heal all the hurts and cruelties.

 

Thank you for Bonnie’s call – a real answer to prayer. Bless my time with her Thursday. Thanks for the fun Thunderbird and the check from Jered and Eileen. Bless their work in a special way. Lord bless all those I heard of yesterday who are struggling with MS and other great losses. Bring Your healing acceptance into their lives in a new way. Thank you Lord.

 

Help me to begin to keep this journal again more regularly – to remember everything You’ve done for me and all the prayers You’ve answered. Help Jim to grow – open doors for him to minister and feel Your presence and working in his life. I love him so. Anoint and bless him today. Let him feel Your arms around him even now Lord and cause his lips to praise You.

 

May 18, 1984

 

My heart is so heavy for Mom and Dad. I want so much to have a special time with them again – to have the opportunity to really love them and give myself to them. O Lord, have mercy on their souls and also give me that special time with them if You will. I love them so much but I’ve shown it so little. The years just go by and soon they’ll be gone. O Lord, save them.

 

Thank you for Laurie who called. She was in church Sunday and hadn’t been to church in years. She has MS and came as her Mother’s Day present – how exciting. I know You want to do something really special in her life and her family. Heal them Lord – heal that home and give Laurie the strength and will to live. Help her see You and Your presence in her life.

 

Help me stay close to You – to know Your will and not to try to live on past accomplishments but to be ready to do Your will and know You will do good – even when I don’t see it. Guard my heart from pride and striving. I want to be a useable vessel. I have so many weaknesses and yet You can use me – how special. Thank you Lord. Help Ruth who is struggling so much. Be real to her.

 

June 4, 1984

 

Lord it’s been so long since I’ve written. So much has happened. We’ve been under a lot of attack. And yet You continue to use us and give us encouragement. The kids (and me too) have really struggled with devotions. How we need Your presence and balance. Jim has been generally discouraged. I have been weak and tired, having bad skin trouble and diarrhea.

 

You helped me to get a prayer letter done, work on the computer, keep up the laundry and cooking. Thank you. John has been badly hurt in a bicycle accident. Give me strength to minister to Linda and the kids – to love them and be available to them.

 

Lord I was reading in the paper about the ministry at the Vineyard and all the miracles. You gave each Christian power to heal the sick. They are experiencing this. How unbelieving we have become. Oh Lord, show us Your power. Prove Your Word to us – enable us to understand the balance and know how to pray for John, for me and for others. Oh to see Your Hand move and do the impossible. Would You do that for John? How do we know how to pray – what can we really expect from You? Why are some not healed? Are we ever to know? We know You are able – how do we learn how to pray for others? Lord, show us how to stand, how to discern, how to pray, how to let Your power flow through us. Lord we need You.

 

Help me – renew me today. I didn’t want to use the Rainbow today but I get so unbalanced and also afraid of my responsibilities to program it. Help me. I need wisdom and self-control. All the material for Quest overwhelms me – and the Bible test. So much is happening – I don’t know how to spend my time and get the rest I need. I need You to take over – I’m so weak.

 

June 11, 1984

 

I have been so down – so defeated but today You sent hope. Bernie and Jamie Buckingham came to pray for me. You told Jamie to come and pray for healing. Oh Lord I want to hold on and believe. Please help me. The enemy tormented me and convulsed me and then came out – I was drained but I know You were with me for I cannot ask for a fish and get a snake. You promised to give good gifts to Your children.

 

Now I need only rest in You and fill my mind with You. It is all up to You – I need do nothing. Defeat my enemies O Lord for they surround me and attempt to destroy me. Fill me with Your peace and presence O Lord, my rock and my redeemer, my healer and my friend. Let me see Your loving-kindness in the morning Lord. Let me awake refreshed in spirit and body and mind.

 

June 12, 1984

 

Lord, so much has happened. Forgive me for being disappointed in You and for allowing fear to rule me. I believe You sent Jamie and You heard his prayer of faith. I believe the enemy has no hold on me – that nothing can separate me from Your love.

 

I believe in Your goodness and I trust You and will be loyal to You no matter how You choose to answer. You know my path and what is best. You want me totally free. O Lord I do too. I want to be wholly Yours and willing to do whatever You have called me to do. Forgive me for still wanting to define and order how You use my life, for my pride, for my lack of love, for my lack of discipline and self control, for not filling myself with Your Word. Help me Lord – I am so weak and unable to handle my life. Give me moment-by-moment grace and faith.

 

Thank you for the July readings in Streams which I read by accident. You told me faith grows amid storms. Disturbance is the spiritual atmosphere – conflict with hostile elements. It is a pathway of sorrow and joy of suffering and healing balm, of tears and smiles, of trials and victories, of conflict and triumphs, of hardships and perils and buffeting, of persecution and misunderstanding, of trouble and distress – through all of which we are made MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loves us.

 

Amid storms – right in the midst where it is fiercest – You may shrink back from the ordeal of a fierce storm but still go on. God is there to meet you in the center of all your trials and to whisper His secrets which will make you come forth with a shining face and an indomitable faith that all the demons of hell shall never afterward cause to waver. “He hath acquainted himself with my beaten path. When he hath searched me out I shall come out shining.” (Job 23:10)

 

Thank you for Jamie’s call today. He said he know I would have a spiritual battle and that’s why he rebuked Satan. You revealed to him what he was praying as he prayed in the Spirit about my arms and hands being restored. He said he never goes around praying like that – that he is sensitive to building up hope in people – but he was SURE YOU told him to and he obeyed. You told him to link his faith with my desire – my faith didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I didn’t believe as he did. His faith was perfect and KNOWS it is one. I cannot stop it. I cannot force it either or make it happen. I don’t need to do anything except REST in YOU and wait patiently for You to act! I don’t need to be afraid. The enemy cannot rob me. I don’t have to strive. It is already DONE. Jamie was so sure – I couldn’t help but believe and I was so relieved to know there is no pressure on me. I need only rest and trust and hold on and take care of myself.

 

The attack was the spirit world trying to destroy me and scare me but they are powerless to actually kill me for I am covered with Your blood. They can only put on a show (You told Jamie to leave before the attack). Thank you Father for Your wonderful mercy and grace – for Your healing which has already begun.

 

Lift Jim up as his is so discouraged spiritually and feeling like nothing ever happens for him. Please do something for him to encourage him and show him Your love and working in him. Thank you for Jamie. Bless his anniversary. It was so nice to share with him and get to know him. He is so special. He talked for an hour with me. He will be praying for my parents too – for their salvation. Bless him as he returns to Florida.

 

Thank you for hope. I want to rest, secure and happy in You. Please bless our family times. Help my honey not to fall back. Don’t let the enemy use this blessing to hurt him. Help me not to be afraid – deliver me – help me to know You will always give me strength for whatever You call me to do. I want to live for You and glorify You. I bless You my Lord.

 

“Be willing to live by believing and neither think nor desire to live in any other way. Be willing to see every outward light extinguished, to see the eclipse of every star in the blue heaven, leaving nothing but darkness and perils around, if God will only leave in thy soul the inner radiance, the pure bright lamp which faith has kindled.

 

“The moment has come when you must get off the perch of distrust, out of the nest of seeming safety and onto the wings of faith. Only trust Him; you shall be held up. You have gotten a word – a sure word of promise. Take it implicitly – trust it absolutely. And this sure word you have; nay you have more – you have Him who speaks the word confidently. Yea I say unto you, ‘Trust Him.’”

 

Reminder:  My spirit bore witness to what Jamie said as he talked to me on the phone and I had great joy and faith to believe. I did not find doubts but was assured God had actually intervened and will do what He said. God never spoke this directly to me but my spirit bore witness to the things He spoke to Jamie. Therefore I am confident. I have these things even though doubts and fears both assail me.

 

June 13, 1984

 

Lord I praise You. For surely You will do that which You have said. I know You will deliver me of my fear too – that You have only good intentions toward me – that You will not expect too much from me. I want to be free to serve You wholeheartedly without fear knowing Your strength is in me – willing to set aside my own desire for Your Kingdom, for my family and loved ones, willing to do hard things. Help me and let me experience Your power within me to overcome fear of failure, rejection and laziness and self-centeredness.

 

I don’t know how You will do it all – I only know You are able and You want what is best for me. You know I would never want physical blessings at the cost of spiritual ones – that I would not want shallowness in order to feel good. Show me how to live and grow in health as well as sickness and to have the same dependence. I guess I almost feel guilty about being joyous when so many are burdened, especially my own Jim. Oh that we could experience Your joys together, Your touch together. Include him in all of this Lord – be pleased to make his spirit come alive. Please help our times with the kids. There is so much angriness. Lord heal our relationships – set our home right. Help me to be really free to love my children whole-heartedly and to be willing to be with them. Help me not to cop out. Make me emotionally strong as You heal me physically. Use my life for Your Kingdom. I’m willing Lord but a little afraid. Help my unbelief. Fill me with growing confidence and instill in me faithfulness and self-discipline.

 

I wait expectantly. I rest in You. I want to express my joy. My heart aches for Jim – do Your work in him Lord. Thank you that John’s operation went well. Give him complete healing now and quick and miraculous recovery. Bless his time of recuperation Lord. Thank you for doctors and skills they have. Bless Linda too and be close to her. Fill her with Your strength. Work out somewhere for Jason and Tiffany tonight so we are free to shop for David – also tomorrow night as we go out for his birthday.

 

June 15, 1984

 

David’s birthday was really fun. He liked his presents and we had fun eating at the Mex and having cake. Today is the last day of school. David was upset at having to play in the band for graduation. Jenny was all excited about giving Mrs. Grigsby her present.

 

John is doing so well and will be home on Sunday. He looks good after 6 hours of surgery. He has no pain and is eating well (liquid, ice cream, etc.) He has been emotional and wants to come home so much – an aftermath of all he’s been through. Thank you for touching him and letting him come through so well. Fill him with Your joy and strength as he recuperates and continue Your healing Lord.

 

I am excited about what You are doing in me Lord. I have been tempted to overdo and forget about taking care of the MS. I know I must do what is best for another while during the waiting. You will deal with my fears and prepare me to be well and whole again. May You be wonderfully glorified and my I be drawn even closer to You. I would never want to seek Your gifts more than You Lord. You know that. Guard my wandering heart – turn me around and make me steady in my walk. Unite Jim and me in this miracle – do something wonderful in our spirits that we will have united vision in our service and proper love and motivation. Lord, don’t let the enemy use this to cause division or hurt. Let us be totally united in our reverence and vision and love of You. I pray David and Jenny will be profoundly affected in their spirits too – and many others. I know You are doing it because of Your plan to glorify Yourself and touch many lives. I want to fit in with Your plans in an unselfish way.

 

I have been feeling so bad in my muscles, etc., but I somehow can’t be too down about it knowing it will soon be over. Help me always honor You and glorify You in every way. Help me trust You in every way. Work in our family. Maybe our discouragement is just the prelude to the great thing You are going to do. Help us hold on – especially Jim. Thank you Lord.

 

June 16, 1984

 

I am feeling so bad today but You told me, “Delayed answers to prayer are not only trials of faith, but they give us opportunities of honoring God by our steadfast confidence in Him under apparent repulses.” C. H. Spurgen

 

Sometimes I think it wasn’t real but You continually bring me back to that point of witness in my spirit – I know that came from You because I have been so unable and afraid to believe. I know You will prepare me and make me ready – as well as others for this great miracle.

 

Help me not to exaggerate or try to bring glory to myself in any way. Jim felt my letter was exaggerated – perhaps my writer’s style was getting in there. I guess I tried to vividly describe what went on. Help me though not to try to build things up – for You do all things perfectly and do not need help from my imagination. Keep me in Your Spirit Lord that all that is said, written and done is to Your glory and in complete truth. Forgive me for fighting in so many ways. Teach me how to rest in You and wait patiently and in peace. Thank you for bringing John home today. Be with him in a special way during his convalescence.

 

June 17, 1984

 

Today I woke up with spasticity. I have been unable to walk without bent legs. Things looked bad – I had doubts and didn’t want to mail the letter about my healing.

 

Lord, You are so good. You confirmed Your promise in church this morning. Ginny came up at the end of church and told me she had a vision about a month ago of You healing me. You were brooding over the parts of my body, taking time to lay hands on me and pray and weep over each part. This morning You told her to tell me and to do what she had seen in the vision. I felt Your love in such a special way as she prayed - seeing Your sorrow over my suffering and I saw bright light as she prayed. I knew everything You promised was real. I was filled with great joy. Meanwhile Sunday School started. They waited because of what You were doing. I was laughing and crying. I’m sure they thought I was in some great distress but I was in ecstasy! I am so overwhelmed that You love me so much as to confirm and build me up.

 

Then You brought Kelly Willard to me. She said all I said on Mother’s Day was what You have been ministering through her in her concerts. She gave me two records. Thank you.

 

You let me see Harry and his wife and they expressed their joy over their son’s salvation on Mother’s Day and said he is doing fine. Thank you for letting me see this fruit. I am overwhelmed that You want to heal me and bless me. I am so weak and so prone to wander. Build my faith and make me firm and secure in Your love and purposes that I may serve You fully without fear in the health and strength You give me.

 

Bless my honey this Father’s Day. I want so much for him to feel the excitement and Your love with me but I sense his discouragement. Please lift it Lord. Enable him to experience Your special love and care for him, especially today. Lord minister to him.

 

I pray You would be totally glorified in my healing – that You would help me to be willing to serve You in any way. Take away fear. I can hardly believe Your love so freely given. I feel so unworthy, like I deserve to suffer – and I know I do – but You are so good and full of love. Thank you Lord. May my life be forever changed and drawn into communion with You in a new way. Show us Your will for us Lord and help us.

 

June 19, 1984

 

Your verse for yesterday was “Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; and make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.” (Heb. 12:12,13)  

 

“Pay as little attention to discouragement as possible. Plough ahead as a steamer does, rough or smooth – rain or shine. To carry your cargo and make your port is the point.” (Streams in the Desert)

 

“You aren’t strong but you have tried to obey and have not denied My Name. Do not despise this small beginning.”

 

Today I feel so down – so overwhelmed by life. The trip to San Clemente, dBase II, Quest – everything overwhelms me. I am afraid I can’t do these things. The fears make me afraid of having more responsibility. I feel torn. My body continues to fail and be weak. I know You are healing me – I am in such a struggle. Help me realize You have a good plan in my healing – to deliver me from all these fears and enable me to live an abundant life in You. Cleanse me and set me free so I can freely serve You. Don’t leave this aspect of my life in bondage Lord – make me totally whole and remove the selfishness that drives me so often; the fear of failure that makes me afraid of working again. I am so totally weak – life is such a gigantic struggle. Only You can change me and make me useful to You. Just physical healing alone isn’t enough – I need emotional healing. Be pleased to do it all.

 

Lord, Please let this miracle happen to Jim too – not just to me alone. How I need Your wisdom in knowing how to share, when to share and when to be silent – how to be sensitive to others. Keep the desire alive in me Lord. Don’t let my fears drive out the desire for wholeness.

 

I want to serve You with a willing heart. I want to know how to enjoy You and the life You’ve give me – how to live in the present and make the most of every situation – how to really love others, especially my family. Lord, leave no stone unturned. I trust You, I need You, and I set my life in Your hands. I want to keep a log so we can see what happens.

 

My legs are spastic so I can only use them for short times in the house. I’m having twitching in my left eyelid almost constantly. My back gets tired and I’ve had the beginning of pressure sores on my buttocks. My pupils continue to be uneven. My arms are variable in strength and endurance. My bladder and bowels are improved. My energy is a little improved from the last few weeks. It is significant that my reflexes were improved on my last doctor visit even though I haven’t seen a corresponding change in my legs. I am still taking 45 mg of Baclofen and 5-7 mg of Valium a day. My right arm is still solidly frozen at the shoulder.

 

June 21, 1984

 

“I am Jehovah He said… I will be with you constantly until I have finished giving you all I am promising.”

 

Thank you Lord for being with me yesterday. Nancy came and we talked about all that has happened. She indicated similar things happened to Richard almost 20 years ago and now he is still progressively crippled. I was tempted to be discouraged but I believe You are working in me already.

 

Help me to be able to minister Your truth in balance when I’m healed, that my healing would not cause anyone to stumble or feel left out but would cause hope to rise in their hearts. I am still feeling overwhelmed by life. I know I need You’re help every moment. It is so hard. I need to know where my priorities should lie and how to get things done. I am still afraid of dBase II. You do it Lord and be glorified in it.

 

July 1, 1984

 

I haven’t been faithful to keep this up – forgive me Lord. Forgive me my impatience – my striving. It is so hard to wait. And yet I see where the enemy attacks – not my faith but my desires. He tells me I will be spiritually shallow – my ministries will not be effective and I won’t be able to handle life. Thanks be to God he is a liar and a thief. I know these are all lies. O Lord help me to resist and keep desires strong but to be willing to wait until the time is ripe – that much fruit will be borne and You will be greatly glorified.

 

I can’t find the special things You showed me in San Clemente – I should have written them down right away.

 

Today’s Streams was great. “There shall be a performance.” (Luke 1:45). “My word shall be fulfilled in their season.” (Luke 1:20)

 

There shall be a performance of those things

That loving heart hath waited long to see

Those words shall be fulfilled to which she clings

Because her God hath promised faithfully

And, knowing Him, she ne’er can doubt His Word

He speaks and it is done. The Mighty Lord!

 

“We must depend upon the performance of the promise when all the ways leading up to it are shut up.” Matthew Henry.

“For all the promises of God in Him are yes and in Him amen unto the glory of God by us.” (2 Cor. 1:20)

 

I was miserable in San Clemente – frustrated and unhappy and fearful. Forgive me. I was physically worse but getting strength now. O Lord, help me to know Your will for my future – to fit in with Your plans – to trust You. You have promised to deliver me from fear as well as heal me. Thank you.

 

Thank you that every moment is a new beginning with You. I need a new beginning. I receive one this moment and choose to do my best with Your help to work and care for my family and do what You want me to do. Deliver me from sin patterns and evil thoughts – give me a clean, pure heart O Lord. You are my rock and fortress, my deliverer and healer.

 

July 3, 1984

 

Lord, I have been so down. I know You are going to heal me and it is so hard to rest in You and wait. I was really disappointed when it didn’t happen in church Sunday. Forgive me for trying to pick a time, place, etc. I want Your perfect time – when You will get all the glory – even if I must suffer for a while longer. But it is so hard. My body is in rebellion – I keep pushing – help me to rest.

 

Also the mental tensions are hard - Quest, dBase, etc. and now evaluating SAMNA. I don’t even have the specs – it’s hard to know what we really need. I am tired and overwhelmed. My muscles are spent and my mind exhausted. Help me. Fill me with wisdom and knowledge and strength to do this work. I don’t want to talk to anyone on the phone. It is all so draining. I feel like I have nothing left to give. Help me Lord. I need to dwell in Your presence and be filled with Your Spirit. I need to learn not to say, “I can’t”.

 

Bless and anoint the How To article I sent to Guideposts today. I pray it might be accepted and be a blessing to many. Show me how to revise articles and keep them in circulation – not to be defeated by rejections. Help me compose a donor letter. Give me the words to bless our people. Should I share about the healing Lord? Help me do it soon.

 

I feel wiped out – help me balance all this. I need You. I want to work and bless Wycliffe’s work – help me – deliver me. I hope You will keep my desire alive. Guard me from the enemy. Help me focus on the good. Forgive me for not praising You continuously, for running from testing and hiding. Change me for Your glory.

 

Bless Jim. Help things to go better at work as there are so many problems. Help him and Paul today at lunch to build each other up – not to be negative. Give him wisdom and endurance in a job that tries his patience. Help me to be ready to help him. Help me also to rest that I can be in better shape for our evenings and our trips we hope to take. I commit these care to You, my only help, my only Lord, my strength, my All.

 

July 5, 1984

 

Lord, I have been so down. I don’t even know why. Life seems too much for me. Destroy my enemies Lord. Keep me from oppression. Help me to honor You with my praises. Give me a positive attitude about my life and myself. I saw Dr. N today and things are looking good – my reflexes are better. I played the guitar today just like I’d never stopped but I got tired after 3 songs. PTL! Thanks Lord – I’ll work on it!

 

“For the vision is yet for an appointed time … though it tarry wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.” Hab. 2:3 I know You will do what You have said. Forgive me for letting things make me so miserable. Please Lord heal my skin too – it has been so hard not being able to wear my clothes. Could You give me some sundresses in the meanwhile?

 

Help me to get out of the dumps for my family tonight. Help me to understand and use SAMNA this weekend and to be able to write a good donor letter. Help me with dBase II to know the best way to approach the problem for the region offices.

 

July 9, 1984

 

Lord, why must I always be in the storm? Oh how I need rest. How can I learn that rest – that life that is at peace no matter what? Teach me to enter into Your rest and Your Spirit. Forgive me for feeling angry and confused – for thinking You are being mean sometimes. Forgive me and cleanse me of my rebellious spirit that wants everything for me. Help me set my eyes on You again and on others. I need Your help so much.

 

Thank you for showing me I am like David when he saw his wrapped presents a day early and cried because he wanted them now. I guess I am just a foolish child. Bear with me Lord. Don’t give me what I want – only what is best for I don’t know what is best. I make so many wrong choices and I am so weak. Deliver me from fear. Set me on a firm path once again. Guard my heart – cover me with Your blood.

 

Please bless our work. Give us wisdom and be pleased to remove the barriers and blocks as You said You would. I remind You of my needs – my heaviness – my confusion. Lead me out to the sunlight again. Teach me Your precious lessons along the way. I trust You. I hope in You. I live for You. I want to serve You. I want to adore You. Help me not to withdraw from You or my family. Get me through this tired time when I am so weary – when life itself is too much – when there is no pleasure. Help me enjoy the days You’ve given me because I am Yours.

 

Help me with my weight. You know how hard it is for me to be gaining. I need exercise and self-control. Let me see Your mercy soon Lord – to know Your hand moving to deliver me – to know the answers are on the way and that I will be better because of all this.  I love You Lord.

 

July 11, 1984

 

I have been so miserable Lord – living in turmoil and strife. Pastor Mercaldo’s letter got me confused but also opened my eyes to my problem. I have totally gotten my eyes off You and Your Kingdom and onto self, the physical and what You can do for me. Lord, I ask Your forgiveness. I want You, Your will, Your peace, Your plan. I lay my gifts on the altar. Do as You will with me. If I must wait, I wait in trust. If I must go on this way, I do it in Your strength. If I am healed, it is for Your glory and Kingdom – not for me Lord. Forgive my selfishness. I want only what is best for me and for Your Kingdom. I yield to Your sovereignty as best I know how. I lay it all at Your feet knowing He is able who has promised. But my heart’s desire is to know You, to live in You above ALL else – to please You and serve You. If that includes healing I will praise You – if I must wait – even until heaven, I will praise You. I don’t need to understand to serve in that way – only to commit it all to You and trust as a child.

 

Fill me anew with Your peace and presence. Guide me Lord into Your will and purposes. Forgive me for wanting so much. I commit my skin and inability to wear most things to You. If I can only wear a few things that is fine. You said I will always have what I need. I have wanted much more. I have based my beauty on outward appearance. Thank you that it is the heart that makes one beautiful. That is the heart I want – a heart set on You. Teach us to focus on Your Kingdom. So much of our unhappiness comes because of our selfish focus, our wrong desires. I know it is not wrong to desire healing, but I have put it in the wrong place – before You and Your purposes.

 

Do as You will with me Lord.

 

July 19, 1984

 

Lord, how I need You. I realize everything You’ve shown me is being tested. I am unable to hold on. I can’t seem to get any joy or peace but I know even the grief is part of the dying process You want me to go through. Help me let god Lord and to learn to be a polished gem for You.

 

Jim is struggling too but the week at home has been good for him. He really got me started on dBase II and then I’ve been jealous because he learns it so fast and I can’t. Help me to know how to do it and help him. I know he can’t work on it all the time. I really want to do well Lord. Show us about the trip to San Jose. My ribs are so bad again and Jim’s back but I feel we really need to go.

 

Leo and Joy prayed for us. They focused on Jim and prayed for You to baptize him in the Holy Spirit. Help him trust you and grow in Your Spirit now Lord. I know You revealed his needs by Your Spirit. Help him to realize how much You care.

 

Thank you that Maureen is better and can try the progesterone. Please let it help her Lord. Please lift her up out of the pit. Help me to get my priorities right – to love and care for my family as I should. Thank you for testing me for I know that You are working a special thing in my life. I still believe Your promise of healing but I lay it on Your altar to do with as You will. FOCUS is the theme – help mine to be right. Bring me out of this self-centeredness.

 

Today’s Streams said what Pastor Lou told me – to do and suffer God’s will is the highest form of faith. The most sublime Christian achievement. I want to be in that place, willing to drink the cup whether it be suffering or healing. My relationship with You is really what matters. Only You can satisfy that dry inner longing of my heart – not any thing or person or circumstances.

 

Bring me out of this pit Lord. Destroy the enemies that torment me and come to me and be with me. I worship You and love You and thank You for the privilege of knowing You and suffering for Your sake.

 

July 26, 1984

 

Lord, things have been so bad. I have been blotting out my life by pouring it into the Rainbow (computer) or taking pills – wallowing in self-pity. Forgive me. And yet I know breaking is coming. I want to cooperate. Please help me not to be so strong willed and rebellious. I want Your will and yet my own rises up. I want Your peace and yet on my own terms. O bring me to the end of self-seeking.

 

Mom is in bad shape and yet I sense You are working in her and Dad as never before. They welcomed the visits and prayers of the believers from Gateway – what a change!  Work quickly to redeem them Lord. Use their weakness to reveal Your strength. Thank you that even though I am in sorrow, it is all in Your control and as I get back my proper focus You will restore my joy.

 

You are my joy, my hope, my salvation. These testings are for but a moment in the great eternity and the lessons learned are eternal. All You’ve taught me is true and now as it is put through the fire, may it come forth as gold. “He hath acquainted Himself with my beaten path. When He hath searched me out, I shall come out shining.” (Job 23:10) Today You ministered to me, “For we through the Spirit by faith WAIT for the hope of righteousness.” Gal. 5:5

 

Sometimes things look so dark we even have to wait for hope. There is no patience so hard as that which endures “as seeing Him who is invisible”; it is the waiting for hope. I pray even as George Matheson in Streams. “Give me this Divine power of thine, the power of Gethsemane. Give me the power to wait for hope itself, to look out from the casement where there are no stars. Give me the power, when the very joy that was set before me is going, to stand unconquered amid the night and say, ‘To the eyes of my Father it is perhaps shining still. I shall reach the climax of strength when I have learned to wait for hope.’”.

 

Lord work in Jim to complete the work You are doing in his spirit. Thank you for him. Help me love David and Jenny too. They are so cute and sweet. Help me enjoy them, play with them, talk to them – not hide out in my self-misery. Help me to be productive too but within the limits of proper priorities. Thank you Lord.

 

July 27, 1984

 

Lord, thank you that today is a new day. I don’t have to look at my failures. I can start anew. Thank you for showing me how I have really caused much of this unhappiness in our home by dropping out. I have tried to drop out – have withdrawn into myself waiting for something to happen. I need You to help me build my home again. Then if there is energy left, to serve Wycliffe. I need You to help me order my days and do my correspondence gradually – to laugh and love and be at peace – not to drive myself into oblivion. Turn back my enemies and help me see clearly – to be subject to Your Spirit – to enjoy life and my loved ones – to have proper priorities. Forgive me and thank you that today is a new day.

 

I lay my physical affliction at Your feet too Lord as they are progressing. Do as You will with me. Help me not to bitterly complain any more. I have complained about every part of my life. I wanted to work and you let me. Then I complained. Forgive me Lord. Help me when I go the wrong way. Guide me back on Your path. Destroy the enemies lurking at the roadside.

 

“I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken and will strengthen that which was sick.” Ezek. 34:16

 

August 3, 1984

 

Lord, I realize more and more that my place of peace was so very precarious. You desire to set me in that unshakable place that does not crumble as soon as it is shaken by circumstances, feelings or men’s ideas.  The kind of faith You want is not one that clings stoically to a promise but one that clings completely to YOU - “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”

 

As You try me, may I come forth as gold. I feel like I’m failing but I know that is but a feeling. You are teaching me again things I must learn through darkness and pain – but the benefits are eternal. This time of pain and hurt are so small but what You are doing in my heart will last forever. The lessons I’ve shared will continue to touch lives because You taught me and anointed me. Even though I have fallen and stumbled, those things are all still true and they are mine.

 

Jenny had her operation today and can’t talk – very hard for her! She did real well though and is glad it’s over. I have not come out of this set back. I have been spastic and my back and side are hurting. I have pain in my right eye and intestinal spasms. I’m unable to walk much today. My skin is flared up and even my teeth have been hurting – everything at once. I have really prayed to keep from bitterness. Sometimes I am totally overwhelmed by the seeming hopelessness of it all.

 

But You are so good to me. I love my home and family. You have blessed me in so many ways, and I still believe You will heal me although I am trying to live one day at a time in Your time and not get ahead of You with expectations. I wish my skin were better. There is almost nothing I can wear. It has been so hard. I am so frustrated and then trying to keep dry and clean with all the sweat. I just feel filthy all the time.

 

Thank you that Your grace is sufficient. No matter what happens I lean on Your grace Lord. I cling to You, my only hope.

 

Mom is fairly stable but could progress at any time. We continue to lay her at Your throne for spiritual healing and physical too if You so choose. Deal with the hardness that remains in my heart, with the self-centeredness and grouchiness. Help me learn to cope in a way that is glorifying to You.

 

I got a letter from Jamie yesterday. He is still believing You will heal me. Forgive me for being angry at him. Thank you that he cares. Help me write him soon and show me what to share. Thank you for the nice time with Jim last night. We need more close times together. I love him so much and want to bless him and make him happy.

 

August 10, 1984

 

Forgive me Lord for my negative testimony. Forgive me for being angry at You. All I know about You just doesn’t go along with these feelings and yet I can’t seem to help it. Everything feels so dark, so black. I am so disappointed in myself – my reactions. I really thought I was beyond this hiding out, pouting and self-pity.

 

My anger scares me. I feel like You’ve used me and then thrown me on the trash heap. Of course even if that were true, I have no right to complain. Forgive me Lord. Thank you for using me. Make me fit to be used again. Break down this hardness in my heart. This morning You asked me if I would go a step farther with You. I’m afraid Lord. I tried so hard to yield and drink of the cup of sorrow. I tried so hard to allow You to refine me. You did such beautiful things. But now I lie in the dust and You turn away from me. I’m tired of trying but afraid to let go. All is dark around me. My heart aches inside of me and the lump in my throat threatens to choke me. My eyes threaten to fill with tears at the slightest thought. I want to run away. I don’t want to face the issues. I don’t want to work it through. I want to escape – it’s too hard and I’m too weak. Why do You leave me this way?

 

Deal with my heart. Come quickly and break me Lord – bring forth that sweet perfume. If my life must be poured out in sorrow, help me drink the cup. May many lives be blessed for all eternity. Then I can say it was good that I was afflicted. But now I can’t say anything good. My mouth pours forth my anger, frustration and disappointment. How unlike Your faithful servant Job. My enemies taunt me and mock me and laugh at my failure. Make me strong again in You Lord. Take away the wrong desires of my heart. Make my love and service pure. I can’t go on this way Lord. Please come quickly. Undo any damages I’ve done to others by my attitude and failures. I love You and know You love me.

 

“The Lord is faithful; He will make you strong and guard you from Satanic attacks of every kind.” 2 Thes. 3:3

 

“And He is able to keep you from slipping and falling away and to bring you sinless and perfect into His glorious presence with mighty shouts of everlasting joy.” Jude 25

 

August 11, 1984

 

I had a terrible night. My heels are all inflamed – my ribs feel like they’re broken again. I don’t feel right about the medicine, but You let me have it. I guess I’m afraid You’re letting me go the wrong way. I feel like You’re just whipping me. The heaviness in my heart gets unbearable at times. It is an actual physical feeling – a wrenching, a breaking. My throat is constantly constricted by the lump that’s there. My eyes are always ready to spill over. The physical pain in my body wears me down. I feel I have nothing left in me to fight or to cope. I just want to lie down and give up.

 

What do You want from me Lord? You know I have desired to serve You and bring You glory. Even the physical pain is bearable when my heart is not broken. I don’t demand anything of You. But I’m hurt and confused. I want You to take me in Your arms and hold me – to comfort me and place a ray of hope in my heart. I don’t want to fight You. Forgive me if I’m messing things up. I just don’t know how to go on. I totally need You – Your spirit. I am dying down inside. I can have a few moments of distraction and then I am reminded again of my failure, my disappointment, and my anger. How can I think on that which is pure and good? How can I not get tired of doing what is right? Apart from You, I can’t. And where are You? Does it grieve You that I am bowed down? Is this pain really good for me?

 

Show Yourself on my behalf Lord. Don’t leave me this way – I can’t bear it. Please come to me – please enable me to endure- please make me happy once again with the peace that comes from You.

 

August 12, 1984

 

Lord, You know my despair. You know how I have felt about others too – my judgments and jealousies. It has distressed me to see how some have it so easy and they don’t ever seem to try to honor You. You dealt briefly with John and then delivered him and he goes on just enjoying the world and money and seems not to honor You. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to honor You and grow. I guess I feel like it’s all unfair. I understand how Jim feels spiritually when he tries so hard and then I get blessed for doing nothing!

 

And yet You seem to speak to me that our record is not for here on earth but for eternity. You are building something very special – taking great pains in bringing it out and hurting that is has to be so painful and yet rejoicing because You know the outcome. Yes, that is what I want too Lord although I often shrink back and want a life of ease. I know You are doing that in Jim too through his spiritual trials and disappointments.

 

Help us to be patient and to honor You through it all. Thank you that You love me enough not to let me go my own way. If You were to just relieve me, perhaps I would not honor You. Perhaps I would grow to love the world too much – I really want You Lord.

 

“The Lord will not abandon me forever. Although God give me grief, yet He will show compassion too, according to the greatness of His loving-kindness.” Lam. 3:31

 

“For a brief moment I abandoned you. But with great compassion I will gather you. In a moment of anger I turned My face a little while; but with everlasting love I will have pity on you says the Lord your Redeemer. My promise of peace for you will never be broken says the Lord who has mercy on you. O my afflicted people, tempest tossed and troubled, I will rebuild you on a foundation of sapphires and make the walls of your houses from precious jewels.”

 

God will bring me out of my darkness into the light and I will see His goodness.

 

August 13, 1984

 

Thank you for the good talk Jim and I had last night. Thank you for the wisdom and insight You have given him. I wish he could see it! I was really impressed by the fact that my self-disappointment stems from trusting myself to hold on to all You showed me. I thought I could. But I am too weak. Apart from You, I can’t hold on. Your grace is sufficient but I have looked to my strength instead of Your grace. Not in my wisdom, not in my strength, for those are destined to fail. I turn anew to You – Your wisdom, Your strength that never fails.

 

I do want to be wholly Yours. When You heal me, I don’t want to be shallow and caught up in serving self and enjoying the world. I am running a race, working toward eternal goals. Please don’t let me be sidetracked no matter what You choose to do. Guide me in therapy and guide Harry (her counselor)

 

I don’t know if I want to dig down into the depression and let it all hang out. I really feel the need to try to focus on what’s true instead of my feeling. But he says I need to work it through – let it out. I want to do what is best. I know that it seems to return – things I thought were all solved. Maybe I really need to work it through. I guess I’m afraid to let myself face the disappointment and hurts – afraid of the negative feeling. Guide me Lord to inner healing. Show me the way to take. I throw myself at Your feet. I want Your best for me.

 

Take away my desire to be pitied. Deal with my pride too. Use me, even in Harry’s life to bless others, especially my family. Thank you for Jim – what a great gift. I love him so. Thank you Lord that my tooth was okay today. Thank you for Dr. Gail. Thank you for Harry. I want to be a blessing to him as he helps me sort things out. Thanks for Jackie’s visit. I’ve really missed her. Thank you for renewed hope – for showing me that my feelings are okay – for loving me anyway. Goodnight Lord.

 

August 18,1984

 

Today is Tammy’s wedding. I’m so glad we can go.  I am realizing more and more that just because I’ve worked through something doesn’t mean it’s all over. It seems the growing and breaking is continuous. Areas I thought were taken care of come up again. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to deal with all of it then and maybe I’m not yet ready. It is a process but it is in Your hands.

 

I have hated seeing Jim so overworked. When I try to help, it takes so much out of me. Everything is done at a cost of pain. And yet should I just not do things because they hurt and cost me? It’s so hard and I know a lot of it is fear. I’m afraid of being tired and hurting – afraid of what it will mean later on but I also want to do everything I can. I feel like I’ve just been lazy. I had to stop taking the anti depressants since I had a drug reaction – probably from the cold pills but Dr. N took me off it all. Actually I think I feel better off of them. I never felt really right about it.

 

Jamie sent me a book on healing. I don’t know why I get so emotional over it. I wrote him though and sent him my tape. It’s been real hot which is hard for me. Jenny is excited about her trip to San Jose. I am relieved that we’re not going and that I didn’t have to make the decision. I still have a tremendous urge to hide out although I have been able to handle visits from one person at a time. I guess it’s not so wrong to hide out for a while. I know I will be stronger when You bring me through all this.

 

August 21, 1984

 

Lord, I keep thinking I’m getting it back together and then falling apart again. I have felt so completely drained and awful – I don’t know how much of it is physical and how much mental. I’ve had the heaviness in my head, extreme fatigue, inability to think clearly, blurred vision and uneven pupils as well as my usual spells of spasms and pain. Jim said I’m equating getting it all back together with getting physically better. I’m still very emotionally tied up with how I feel and how I’m doing. I know You want me to get beyond that – I need You so much.

 

I realize more and more how totally weak I am. I want as Paul to glory in that weakness that Your strength might be made perfect in me. I’m glad I don’t feel that anger any more. I’m disappointed in how things are going but I know deep down that my life is completely in Your hands. I wish I could be more content right now. Forgive me when I allow fear to rule me. Everything drains me so and causes me so much pain. Sunday was awful at church. I just got so tired in Sunday School that I burst into tears after it was over. I thought I was ready to last that long. I guess the hardest thing is seeing Jim so piled with work while I just lay here. After coming so far – to be back at this place is just so hard. And I keep thinking if I just try hard enough I can do it so I push and collapse and push again. I’m so afraid of copping out, of being lazy. Help me accept where I am without guilt and to go beyond this place. Make me a blessing in this place. And I still hope You will deliver me out of this place in Your time.

 

I’m amazed at the depths of my despair when I can’t accomplish my expectations. – or when my bladder or some other thing fails. I am so totally fragile right now. But I know You are with me – You are doing a good thing. I want to fully trust You. Forgive me when I doubt Your plan and ways. Bring me to that solid place in You. Root me deeply in Your Word. Guard me from false teachers and prophets. Forgive me for not knowing more than I do. Help me to become more disciplined.

 

Bless my Jim and help him through this stress. I don’t know how he holds up. I love him so and want to bless him and make him happy. Help me be more diligent to pray for him. Bless Jenny. She has a sore throat and is going to Dr. N. Please let her be able to go to Elsa’s on Saturday if that be Your will.

 

August 24, 1984

 

Lord, forgive me. I have been so far from You. I have tried to pour myself into computers, counseling – anything but You and my continuing walk. I am afraid and hurt and wanting to escape. No matter which way You work, I am afraid. How I need You – how total weak I am. I look to men for help and assurance and when they fail me I think You don’t care about me.

 

You know my bitter disappointment that Jamie has been here and didn’t even call. I don’t want to look to men – I want to hear from You. But I’ve been unwilling to work at my relationship – I’m running and hiding. Help me Lord. I don’t want to be selfish and lazy. If only I knew what to do. I could do so much more physically even though it causes pain. Even if it hurts – even if it shortens my life, isn’t it better than living in this state of death I’ve been in? I don’t know – I can’t seem to find the right way to go. I don’t know what to do. I am driven by fear and far from You. Oh rescue me – take pity on me – come to my aid. I cannot bear to be left in the confusion and brokenness.

 

I have no strength to follow You – to do what’s right. Fill me Lord – guide me – make me into the person You want me to be. Don’t let me blow it. Forgive me for not caring more about Mom and Dad – that I could let a movie distract me from talking to them. How totally awful.

 

Thank you that You do not condemn me – that though I lie in misery and fail to meet the test You still love me. I know You will help me through. You will allow me again to bless You and Your people. When I see the sufferings of others, I am ashamed that I bear mine so poorly. Forgive me Lord. Destroy the complaining that rises up in me. You have been so good to me and yet I dwell in my misery.

 

Sometimes I wish I could fly away and escape, but I don’t want to be without my precious Jim and kids. They are so wonderful. I’m really going to miss Jenny and David when they go to school. Thanks for making the summer so good for us. I bless You Lord and expect You to do what’s right and good for me. Thank you that men can never meet my needs – only You can. I turn again to You and ask You to keep me – keep me Lord on Your path.

 

September 5, 1984

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Many times I’ve felt You talking to me – comforting me but I’ve felt strangely distant. Forgive me Lord. Physically I am stronger the last few days. I have been amazed at the void I’ve felt since Jim left for Washington D.C. Every evening has been agony, especially at story time. The kids have been good. David’s been a bit bored but they have been very helpful. Last night they wheeled me all the way to Alpha Beta. We had a lot of fun. I was in a terrible mood and they lifted me up. Christy M. spent the rest of the evening with us and it was good.

 

Forgive me for not really holding on to You – for allowing myself to drift. I feel so disconnected, but I still hear Your voice guiding me. Thank you.

 

Last week was so hectic getting the system finished, especially after our big disk crash! Then programs didn’t work for the printer at the regional office so I had to make quick changes. Jim is still making changes in D.C. Also I found how gross the “replace” statement worked on large files and had to recode. I guess this week has kind of been a collapse. I am drained and yet still hyper for the effort. My emotions are so fragile. I miss Jim desperately and also have had fears of something happening while he is gone.

 

I have been so shut off from people this summer that this time without Jim is so hard. Doreen has been by though and I enjoy her company. The Sams have meant well but been busy. The Lindholms are having us over tomorrow night. I’m a little nervous about that but I’m sure it will be fine.

 

You know how much I have looked to men and been let down. I guess I have felt let down by You too but I know that’s not really true. Jamie disappointed me terribly and other friends have really let me down. When I saw Shannon Sunday I didn’t even want to talk to her. I am so foolish – so much oriented to weak people, expecting so much when I give so little. Evelyn has tried to be a good friend and I’ve hid from her – who can understand me? I don’t.

 

I want to love and bless David and Jenny. I get so grouchy though – so insecure and they are so sweet. I can’t wait for David to see the computer games Jim is bringing. I can hardly keep from telling him. The kids are nervous about school. Please prepare the way and bless their year.

 

Well, I have to get ready for Harry so I’ll close. It’s good to talk to You again. Help me do better and to keep track of all You’ve been saying to me. You have really blessed me but I’m in a strange place – not knowing who I am or what I even want. I’m torn by so many fears – fears of sickness, fears of failure, fears of health, of having no excuses – fears of people and what they think. How I need to grab hold of the horns of Your altar – to be filled with Your Word and Your Spirit. You are my deliverer, my fortress, my hiding place, my shelter. You are everything that matters. Though I fail, You will not fail in me.

 

September 6, 1984

 

Thank you Lord for Your encouragement today to recognize Your presence even when I can’t realize it – for realizing it depends on my feelings which are affected by every outer circumstance. But the truth remains that You are ever with me – my best friend. My tears of loneliness need not fall for You are always faithful.

 

This time has been so painful physically, emotionally and spiritually. I felt confused and angry when my place of peace was shaken by promises of healing. I wondered why You would show me that and then let me suffer – it all seemed so cruel. I realize You desire not to destroy me but to set me on a firmer foundation – to bring forth as gold – to enlarge me. My testimony must be purified. Healing can come in its time.

 

As I look back at this summer, as painful and disappointing as it has been, I realize many very precious things have happened. My heart is not hard. It has come through hurt and confusion but it is still soft and willing Lord. May it ever be that way. I realize the things I’ve gained are far more precious than those I’ve lost – a deeper love and bond with my children – a bond I never thought I would have. You have opened my eyes to the beauty of them – to their strength and loveliness. You have helped me love and accept their weaknesses and limitations. You have drawn us close. I would never have received this gift of grace had I been well – how great are Your gifts O Lord, how profound Your thoughts. The senseless man does not understand.

 

Thank you for hope renewed – that does not hinge on promises delivered, but hope in Your goodness and high calling for me. I love you Lord.

 

September 12, 1984

 

It is so good to have Jim back. Our last few days were tough. Jenny had the flu and we had a terrible heat wave. It was at least 100 degrees in the apartment. We spent Saturday night at the office. That was quite a fracas but at least we were cool!

 

Jim came back with a lot of problems in the system. Some were just careless programming errors, but some are deep dBase errors that we have to somehow circumvent. It has been frustrating. I am totally burned out today. Teach me Lord how to control myself when I am working – not to wipe out – not to be so consumed. I hate it when I am driven so but I can’t stand to leave things unresolved. Help me to put things in a better perspective.

 

My handwriting is spastic today and I can’t see straight. And yet I know it’s my own fault. Even this morning I have been driven – straightening up and getting ready in case George comes over and I have a Dr. appointment. I am already done in. Lord give me sense – help me fallow Your path. Calm me down.

 

Jim has really been praying for You to intervene in our family time. Help me be totally supportive. The kids seem so flaky and turned off but we must continue to do what’s right. You have made us tremendous promises Monday.

 

(In 1993 Cora wrote – fulfilled – all four of us)

“I will give them one heart and mind to worship me forever.” Jeremiah 32:29.

“I will give you a new heart – I will give you new and right desires and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your strong heart of sin and give you new hearts of love.” Ezekiel 36:26

“That they will be of one heart and mind just as You and I are Father – that just as You are in Me and I am in You so they will be in Us and the world will believe You sent Me.” John 17:21

“The Lord is good and glad to teach the proper path to all who go astray; He will teach the ways that are right and best to those who humbly turn to Him. And when we obey Him, every path He guides us on is fragrant with His loving-kindness and His truth.” Psalm 25:8-10

 

Thank you Lord. Yes, and this is what we prayed for and what we want. We know from Your Word You will do it for it is totally according to Your will. Help us as we learn and grow. Give us strength to persevere. You also ministered to me tremendously in September 10 and 11 Streams in the Desert.

 

“’The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me.’ Psalm 138:8. When the suffering soul reaches a calm sweetness, when it can inwardly smile at its own suffering and does not even ask God to deliver it from suffering, then it has wrought its blessed ministry; then patience has its perfect work; then the crucifixion begins to weave itself into a crown. Our whole being lies perfectly still under the hand of God; every faculty of the mind and will and heart are at last subdued; a quietness of eternity settles down into the whole being; the tongue grows still and has few words to say. It stops asking God questions; it stops crying, ‘Why have You forsaken me?’

 

Oh the blessedness of being absolutely conquered – of losing our own strength and wisdom and plans and desires and being where every atom of our nature is like the placid Jalilu under the omnipotent feet of our Jesus.”

 

Lord, I am still so strong in my self-striving and desires. Continue Your work of breaking. I want to go further with You – to reach that place of full surrender.

 

I still get so discouraged about my skin, tiredness and generally disappointed with the course of my life. And yet You have done deep precious things this summer. You have given me a precious bond with my children that means so much to me. Keep me with them Lord. You have given me renewed hope and showed me that You will keep me standing when You allow me to be shaken. I somehow feel privileged to have been tested and shaken in all You showed me and then realize You were there all along waiting to show me Your strength to bring me through. Only those things that are tested and shaken, put through the fire can really stand. I want the lessons You taught me to be gold in my life. Continue to burn off the dross Lord.

 

Thank you that You love me through all my floundering, questioning and anxious activity. I know You want to bring me to that calm place of trust. I want to come. Help me Lord. I want to please and honor You. Please continue to bless our family. We so need encouragement – to see a spark of life and hope in David and Jenny. Give Jim wisdom. Don’t allow the enemy to enter in and discourage and defeat us. Show Yourself strong on our behalf that we might truly have Your life in us and be unified as one in You.

 

Bless this day Lord. I love You. Help me to realize how very complete Your forgiveness is – how totally whole I am in Your sight even when I feel like I’m coming apart. Thank you for You eternal goodness.

 

September 16, 1984

 

Lord, just when I think I am beginning to see a ray of light, all is dark again. I have been so completely unhappy. My heart is so heavy and I am dragged down. The feeling of worthlessness plagues me and I am so afraid to let You change me. Please change me anyway.

 

I am like a computer system that no longer works on the machinery – trying to make my old system work – my system of performance – when the machine is gone. You want me to learn a new system. It is a better one. Help me to realize that – to fully trust the process. I cling so strongly to the old one. I am so afraid that if I let go, I will be nothing. And yet that is what You want – for me to be nothing that You might be all.

 

Thursday night the boat ride cost me so much. I was in such pain and so exhausted. I awoke Friday angry and upset and hopeless. My life seems so futile and so hard. Everything costs so dearly. Friday was a deep pit. You sent Jim home to me to help and he really did but I know I have not met his needs. Everyway I turn seems wrong. I am plagued with guilt if I don’t perform and with guilt if I do. I’m in a no-win situation. Jim is always unhappy when I use my energy wrongly. I guess I do it out of my own need – a selfish need to function as I once did – to make my life work again. Help me see Your way is better. Help me let go.

 

Saturday I pushed beyond the limits. I felt strong. I believed I could – I always do. I also wanted to prove I was better – that I could do it. I knew Jim had so much to do and I wanted to lighten it. But it ended in frustration and rebukes – the same old thing. Why can’t I learn? I’m so afraid of being lazy – of shirking responsibility – of being a burden. I don’t even know how much I can do – it varies so. I don’t know where You are leading me. I am dying inside. That is good I guess – I really don’t want to fight You but I seem to rise up in rebellion again and again. (In 1993 Cora wrote – I didn’t know the “old” system was completely corrupt and the ONLY cure was death at the CROSS.) I don’t really want a new system. I’m afraid of who I’ll be. I don’t know who I am. Help me trust You more – to know You are only doing what’s best – to make me a better person.

 

We bought air conditioning and it is good! Today I am so tired, so drained. It is an effort just to visit. I feel like such a failure as a wife. I don’t know how to really love Jim – to set aside my weariness and needs in order to meet his needs. Help me Lord.

 

I have been so grouchy and so easily upset. Church exhausted me and I was in tears after the end. I want so much to get through this process – break me soon Lord. Don’t let the enemy destroy me or my home. I am so threatened – I feel so helpless and I am so tormented. I am so tired and worn down. Every pain seems to break me down. I am so negative. Only You can take this worthlessness and make good of it. Don’t leave me here Lord to be destroyed. Help me see Your goodness and believe in the process. Even though it causes me much pain I thank you for working in my life. Be glorified in me Lord and unite our family as You promised. (In 1993 Cora wrote – Thank you O Faithful Lord).

 

September 17,1984

 

I praise You Lord for the beautiful working out Your Spirit last night in church – for salvation of souls and infilling of Your Spirit – for corporate worship. I’m so glad we went. I felt refreshed at having been in Your presence and joyful at seeing You at work in other lives. Even though our lives were not specifically touched, it was a joy to see Your Spirit move. I’m so glad Jim could go and not feel wounded and let down – that the service blessed him too. Pour out Your Spirit on our church Lord. Come and fill heats and meet deep inner needs. Bring Your peace and healing to Yvonne today Lord as she is hurting so. Enable her to sense the good process You are bringing about in her life that she will be able to endure and be steadfast and strong, full of courage and radiant in You.  You know how I struggle too Lord – the part of me that is afraid to be well – afraid of having no cop outs – of failing in the midst of responsibility. And the me that hates this half-life and failing in it. What a paradox I am! 

 

But You know me Lord. You know what You are making and molding and shaping. Your know the process and are able to overcome all the obstacles and flaws and bring forth that finished product just as You designed it to be. Thank God it is not up to me – my life in Your Hands.

 

Channel my strengths Lord. Help me to let go and let You show me how to live. Then I will know what’s truly important in life and it will work whether I am sick or well, strong or weak. I will not need to fear failure for You will be my guide.

 

Help Jenny through her time of insecurity Lord. Help us to encourage her and bring her through. Draw us together in Your Spirit Lord. Bless my Jim today. Please give us time together – quality time. Help me be there for him – to be rested and able to bless him – to be concerned more about his happiness than mine. Show me how much to do today on the computer. I am still very tired and don’t want to burn out. Show me how to be sensible, to put things in the right perspective. Help me to do things joyfully as unto You – that even when I am spent and tired I will feel the accomplishment of serving You. Thank you Lord for all You are doing and will do.

 

September 19,1984

 

It is so special Lord to realize that You love and accept me with all of my emotions and feelings – that I am totally free to come to You just as I am. It is also precious to realize that You are enabling me to trust the Holy Spirit in me – that I am no longer shaken and confused by men’s ideas or dependent on them although You use them to teach and guide me. The conflicts among doctrine between Jamie, Pastor M and Pastor L caused me to rely on You alone to see where I stand. Now I can accept their love, concern and ideas with appreciation and without fear of confusion. Thank you.

 

I see so much good in my life and yet I am still heavy-hearted much of the time. The hours stretch out before me and go slowly by. The irritating pain and limitations cause me so much grief. I find myself longing for relief and escape.

 

“Trust the process”.  I’m trying to Lord and I do want to honor You – to come beyond the complaining to a heart wholly surrendered. I do want to go on with You. But I am often afraid I won’t stand the test. Thank you that I can do all things through Jesus Christ. I can rest – I can live in monotony – be shut in – or live an active, full life through Your Spirit. Help me realize and be content in every situation – good days and bad days – and know that You have scheduled every day of my life.

 

Thanks for Harry. He has really helped me. Bless him and make me a blessing in his life. May be grow and learn too because of the counseling.

 

September 24,1984

 

I have been in the midst of the worst bladder attack. I get so afraid. I have asked You Lord to give me wisdom about the catheter and to give me a successful time using it if that is what I should be doing. I am willing but I need Your help and direction.  I was so challenged by Pastor M’s series “Invading the Impossible”. How easily we are distracted from the highest calling – from the real race by our circumstances and fleshly desires.

 

“Prayer is not the prelude to the battle – it IS THE BATTLE”. Oh help us grasp the full meaning of this that we might surge forward in spite of the battle. Our prayer needs to be focused on Your Kingdom – on our growth in You – on revival around us and in us. But we get so sidetracked. I feel You calling me to pray for deeper things but then an attack like this lays me low and I am rendered useless.  Surely You want to teach me to endure and to over come and to press towards that mark – to remain in the race in spite of the circumstances. For You have allowed them just when You are challenging me and teaching me about something better – about the important eternal goals that don’t require health or even happiness. And yet I know You want a heart of joy because of You and because of these troubles which are so real and everlasting.

 

Oh, bring me to that place Lord where my service is pure and steadfast. Knit our family together in these goals. Bring true revival to us – let us begin to tap Your power within us, not for selfish goals but for the sake of Your Kingdom. Christ in me the hope of glory.

 

October 1, 1984

 

Thank you Lord for helping me with the catheter. I know how to do it effectively now and am not afraid to use it. I had to increase the Lioresal but I am only a little better – able to urinate but constant spasms with frequency and incomplete emptying. I don’t know if I should use the catheter for this and risk infection for comfort or if it would even help. I may try it once to see.

 

My ribs broke loose again. I am trying to keep a good attitude to reach my goal of the higher calling – invading the impossible – complete in my trust of You and yet so much fear remains. The intensity of pain frightens me and the fleshly desire to be free distracts me. I’m not yet ready for the calling. Sometimes I am so afraid of the future, like when my legs failed and went numb. I realize how much I still have times like that and feel afraid You might ask for more. Help me trust You Lord.

 

Shirley’s letter was such a comfort. Your really spoke to me and filled me with new courage through her. Thank you Lord. Pastor R’s prayer saw right into my heart – my fear and distraction. Through him I know You are very aware of how I feel and that You are with me. Thank you for Your people who are in tune with Your Spirit – who are agents of healing. Thank you for Jim – for the fun we had this weekend just talking, laughing and loving. Thank you for his love and kindness and support. Thank you for my kids too. I love them more each day. When I think back on how You have helped me as a mother I can be glad for this path – it becomes so worthwhile. Bless my precious loved ones today and help me grow to be more like You.

 

October 8, 1984

 

It has been a strangely distant time. I’m sorry Lord, I’ve been over whelmed by work, Quest, letters and yet You’ve helped me more and more to take one day at a time, one hour at a time and to put the rest out of my mind.  I have times of fear and anguish, especially at night but You are bringing me more and more to the place of peace and trust – a place of living again – functioning in spite of pain and disappointment and making the most of my life. Surely You will bring me farther and accomplish Your best in my spirit.

 

I worry less and less about my clothes although I wish I could wear more. Thoughts of hopelessness still come and terrorize me at night and I know it is a spiritual battle. As I put on Your armor and meditate on Your truth my spirit becomes calm.  When I see needs around me I am overwhelmed with hurting for them – Tammi, Yvonne, Judy – I realize how small my own concerns are. Surely You have a good plan in their lives too Lord. May they seek after it and find it and know it for a reality.

 

Thank you for helping me forgive Dr. N., for showing me that I was expecting unconditional acceptance and love but not giving it. Help me to love him even when I feel he doesn’t care. Forgive me for expecting so very much from him, for not being truly grateful fall all he has done.

 

Help President Reagan Lord. The debates went poorly for him. Help him recover and do well next time. Help the people to vote wisely. Lord have mercy on this nation. Give us back the man who honors You and Your ways. Grant him health and strength and endurance. Stand by his side and encourage him and draw him close to You.

 

Help my Jenny with all her allergies and tiredness – she’s so tired. Help her be sensible about getting her rest. Protect her and bless her. And give David strength for his school project. It is hard for him to learn to work. Help him enjoy it and realize it can be satisfying and fun. Bless my sweet Jim today. Strengthen him and bless him in his spirit. Continue to draw him closer and encourage him. Make me aware of his needs and enable me to really love him and put his needs above my own. My heart aches for Tammi and Kevin. Help them Lord to resolve their problems soon and to find peace in You.

 

October 17, 1984

 

Lord, forgive me for letting so much time go by. I have been in so little real touch with You. Thank you that You are always with me, even when I’m lost and drifting. So much of my life has come back together. I start to feel like it’s all okay - then I lose it again. I know there is still too much of my own strength – that You out of Your love for me are bringing me to the end of that – that You will bring me to a full realization and clinging to my weakness because it is then that You can really be manifested in me. Thank you for my weakness. Help me not to despise it.

 

Forgive me for living in anxiety. Everything piles up on me and I get so tired. I feel I can’t go on. Thank you that Your grace IS sufficient. Thank you for the weekend at Quest. I asked for strength – You gave me weakness. My defenses were down and yet You allowed me to endure. Help me to realize it was not a failure – that I am not unacceptable.

 

Thank you for Dr. N. You have really worked in his life. I wrote him a letter that I didn’t send when I was upset because he didn’t seem to care and was so hard on me. He acted like he got the letter. I think he did – through You and he actually told me why he acts as he does. He confessed his weaknesses – how totally precious. Thank you Lord for relationship restored by Your power.

 

Thank you for Phyllis B who let me express my hurt and helped me to rise above it yesterday – and for Hal and Evelyn who took us out. They were so sweet and gave me a necklace. How priceless are Your people Lord.

 

Thank you for my Jim who helped me and accepted me in my weakness – who loves me just as I am even though he can’t always understand. Bless him and refresh him as he’s so tired today. Bless my time with Harry. Help me to be Your tool in his life to help and encourage him to a closer walk with You.

 

I want to write about Streams in the Desert – so precious today. What I really want in my life and what I know You are doing – no time now though. Draw me close to You Lord. Help me face the company, the studying, the tests, Jim’s leaving, Quest and all these things that burden me. Show me how to take one hour at a time, but also how to get everything done. I ask you to give Dr. N. wisdom about my skin tomorrow. If nothing can be done, please provide clothes for me and teach me how to live this way. Thank you that all You taught me continues to go out – another publication of the article. It makes it so worthwhile. I want to learn more that the Kingdom might be blessed because of these things that have happened – because of all I’ve gained through loss.

 

Don’t let me go my own way Lord. Don’t let worry consume me. Help me to really be in You, abiding and drawing strength from You and Your Word. Help me be in Your Word more. Don’t let me be so distracted from the higher callings but gently lead me on Your prefect path. I want to do Your will and to make You happy. Forgive me when I fail so much. Keep me from pride and my own strength which rises up. I want to grow in Your grace.

 

October 24, 1984

 

I am willing to suffer for the sake of the Kingdom of Jesus Christ.

 

Forgive me for complaining. Help me see Your way clearly and to be filled with Your joy and peace.

 

Help me to really love others, not to criticize or be jealous.

 

Cleanse me Lord. Show me the path to take. Guide me with mercy today that I will not hurt You or do the enemy’s will. Fill me now with Your Spirit so full that I radiate Your presence.

 

Bring me to maturity and fruit bearing Lord.

 

Thank you for the privilege of suffering for Your sake.

 

Please help me to go on and glorify You even when I am well. Teach me Your ways. Destroy the root of bitterness. I love You.

 

October 25, 1984

 

Lord, I am so overwhelmed and yet I see others lives in ruin and I realize how very blessed I am. Teach me to deal with these feelings – to work them through and rise above them.

 

I sometimes feel hopeless about my skin. I am so tired of not being able to wear regular clothes. Please help me bear this and, if You would be pleased, remove this affliction from me.  Sometimes the reality of my limitations hits so hard. I am tempted to be bitter. But Lord I yield it all to You again. I don’t want any root of bitterness to be in me. Make my spirit sweet Lord. Cause me to be pleasing to You.

 

Sometimes I just want to fly away and have a really mice time. How easily my thoughts are turned to fleshly things. Last night I hat a terrible time trying to work and getting irritated at the kids. Thank you for redeeming the time – for giving us fun and restoration. Show me how to work effectively – how to order my time. Bless my efforts today and make me a blessing to Phyllis and Irma. I don’t want to be a complainer and a poor witness. Give me grace to be me but to honor You fully.

 

October 30, 1984

 

Things are not good for me physically. My skin is not better – I am physically weaker and have so much to be unhappy about. But You are telling me there is another way to go. My feelings tell me one thing but You are telling me my will can make a difference – a very big difference.

 

With Your help I accept my life as it is. I will not put life on hold and wait for it to get better. I will live one day at a time allowing You to show me how to make the most of each day. I will acknowledge and vent my feelings but I will not live in them (by Your grace). I will do everything to be comfortable to take care of my physical needs so that I can feel as well as possible and have energy to enjoy the people in my life. I will make every effort to see the good in my life – to minimize the pain and disappointment and yet be realistic and careful to do what is necessary.

 

“I will to live not just to endure but to enjoy life and make life enjoyable for others – to do as much as I am able but to accept my limitations and not hate them

 

I will to accept myself even when I fail – to like myself and do what I can to be happy.

 

I will to grow and learn how to live one day at a time. Looking ahead only looks hopeless but one day at a time is bearable and I can do it.

 

 I trust You to provide what I really need – clothes, medical help, etc. Although I want more I will to accept what You provide as what I need and be thankful for it.

 

Thank you for giving me feelings and for accepting me with all my feelings. Thank you for helping me be honest about my feelings. Thank you for my will to live which does not depend on feeling – for showing me my life can work and I can enjoy it and be happy.

 

From “Whispers of His Power” on October 27th: “Never say to yourself, ‘It is enough’, but keep rising higher. Feelings are of very little value; the will is everything. God will not take you to task for your feelings, for it is not within the power of man to ward them off, or allay them. That which God looks at in the human soul is the will. The only thing that lies within our power is to will, to love. That is what Christ wants of me, that is the important thing. He reckons us only according to the measure of our will and our love.”

 

Instead of fighting to make my life what it was I must fight to make my life count just as it is. I can be happy and useful just as I am and can function better by accepting things as they are. I can gradually move toward wholeness as I learn to do this. This does not mean denial but full acceptance – recognizing what has happened but riding with it – not fighting against it – reaching for the fullest life in God – in my family – in Wycliffe – not by trying to force a fuller life by overdoing but by creating and allowing a fuller life by doing what I need to do for my own good.

 

November 13, 1984

 

Lord, I have been floundering terribly. I know where I want to go in terms of direction for a way to live. I set my heart and will but I can’t do it – not unless You help me much more. My mind is constantly on the pain and disappointment – so much to remind me of this battle life has become. I long for sunny meadows and laughter, for a light heart. You are telling me I can have that even in these circumstances if I will only live and abide in You.

 

I want to – show me how. Carry me through. Spoon-feed me until I am strong again. When I think of the sufferings of others like Pat, I am ashamed. Help her with her personal hell Lord. I know she must be in one. I wish I could be excited about Mom and Mary coming. I guess I feel like I’m on display and under judgment. I just want to hide.

 

The Bible test looms before me and I still have to finish my doctrinal statement (that has been good). The physicals are coming up which cost plenty. All the medicine and vitamins cost so much and what good are they? Sometimes I just want to quit on it all.

 

My skin is worse. Obviously Dr. M. did not know what was wrong. The despair is so hard to overcome. If only You would rush to my aid. Each day drags on and I am alone – locked in this prison of despair. I know there’s a way out but I am too weak to even do my part to get there. Please help me. Don’ let me go. Make me a lighthouse once again and a delight to my husband and children. Don’t let me withdraw from them. Part of me is just phasing out of life. Bring me back Lord – only You can really help me.

 

I was awful with Mom and Dad and I know they are worried. I wanted their pity. I guess I wanted their help. Anyway I just feel like I blew it all. I feel like I am worth nothing. The thoughts of Thanksgiving and Christmas depress me. I am concerned about money – so many extra expenses and yet You have never let us down.

 

Forgive me Lord. Somehow bring a ray of hope to me today. Don’t let me go any lower. Destroy my enemies who keep me in darkness. You are greater than they are. If You are for me, who can be against me? You will rescue me again because I have turned to You, my Lord.

 

January 8, 1985

 

It’s been a long silence Lord. I’ve wanted to write so much. For a long time I couldn’t and for a long time I wouldn’t but here I am - so much has happened. I know it will be hard to recall it all.

 

In October my left arm got bad. It is frozen now and still very spastic in the upper muscles. I struggled so much over it but You have given me grace. My skin got worse and progressed to burned areas – weeping, burning, raw and peeling. I could hardly bear it. But through all of it You have spoken to me. Dr. W. couldn’t even talk to me he was so discouraged. Darla told me nothing could be done for my arm – nothing. Then the skin doctor – Dr. K – we prayed so much for answers and for relief. He bluntly told me nothing could be done – nothing. It is the MS. I need a remission. So I’ve reached the end of the line it seems. As I sought You I felt You call me back to the promise of healing – not as my focus but as a source of comfort and hope as I wait. I felt You telling me to stop running to doctors for answers and wait on You – how hard – not at all what I wanted to hear. I agreed to stop unless You open doors directly. I want to obey You Lord but sometimes I’m not sure I’m hearing correctly, especially when it is so opposite to what people are telling me to do. I know I risk looking like a fool but I want with all my heart to please You and trust You. I am willing to go however You lead – keep me safely on Your path.

 

Through this time I have seen how my time of anger was good. I can be real with You and You love me. I became more and more aware of the unconditional quality of Your love. That has helped me trust You more with my life and also to love You more unconditionally (although I still have a long way to go). Sometimes I am even excited at being boxed in with no human help – completely in Your Hands. But sometimes I am afraid and weak and weary with pain and doubts. You are teaching me so much about feelings and how deceptive they are. I cannot avoid them and I am acceptable even when they are wrong but I am learning to realize they are usually wrong and to turn more to the Source of Truth. Help me in this great discovery to grow and mature and stand. [Note: underlining was done later as Cora reread her journal]

 

Thank you for the growth in Jim and the kids. We’ve had rough times but I sense we are beginning to grow in Your grace as a family. Guard us from all attacks – cover us with Your precious Blood. Continue to draw Jim close to You and enable him to experience how deep Your love is. Enable him to walk in the light – to trust Your cleansing and receive it freely. Thank you for him – my dear companion and friend.

 

Help me keep this journal more faithfully and also to be in Your Word faithfully. Teach me to be still and hear You. Use me as You will to do those things You have prepared for me to do. It’s good to be back again Lord – to have a hope in my heart even though things look so bad. Thanks for the clothes Martha found and Mom is sending. I trust You to provide what I need and to teach me to live this way until the day You heal me. Help me to learn better how to handle disappointment and discouragement – to not have such long times of darkness but to allow Your hope to bring me out. Help me to accept the times that are dark but to remember how many times Your light has been at the end – that You will always be there – that You will save me and help me. I love You Lord and praise You for all You are doing and are going to do.

 

January 9, 1985

 

I started a short course of prednisone today. Dr. H. said I should have done it weeks ago. Forgive me if I’ve been difficult, vain and stubborn. I really do want to do what You want but I felt no peace then as I do now. Please cause it to be helpful and direct the process. The inflammation is in the nerve ending affecting my left hand now as much as my other skin. And yet many of the major MS symptoms are better the last 3 days – lessening of morning spasms, better walking, less pain in the left arm except when trying to move it, better use of both arms, sleeping better. Thanks Lord. It is good to feel better. I rest in You and place no undue significance on the improvement of some and worsening of other symptoms. It is all in Your hands and I feel a new deeper peace about it and strength to go on. I want to love You and walk in Your love and to laugh and be joyful but also to intercede and feel Your burdens for the world.

 

Help me know how to balance my life – how much to do, how much to rest, how to function well in each phase of the process. Bless my talk with Harry today. He has a cold so we will talk on the phone. Make me a blessing to him. Bless our upcoming anniversary. Thank you again for the 15 years with my Jim. Remembering our life together during these past few days has brought many happy hours and also joy over the changes and growth in our lives individually and as a family – to You be the glory.

 

Thank you that I feel better about my life. Help me not to gauge life by feelings for I know they will fluctuate. Set me on the sold Rock. Teach me how to wait – to realize that this time is not wasted but very valuable. Bless my writing and my thoughts once again that I might speak for You words of healing to others. Thank you for this day you have made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

 

January 11, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for this 15th anniversary with my Jim. We had fun this morning with our cards and gifts. He got me a beautiful bluebird music statue and the kids got me an adorable baby bird. I already have my shelves rearranged to fit them all in. I am enjoying my shelves so much. And today with Your help I disguised the air conditioner with pretty clothes and used it for our plants. It looks real nice and I hope the plants will live well there.

 

Last night was long and hard. My skin flared up and the steroids seem not to help; but maybe they still will. I want to trust You Lord. I thought a lot about the tape from Pastor M as I lay there disappointed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to go out for our anniversary. I remembered that I am being watched by the spirit world and my responses can honor and please You before them. That is what I want Lord. Grant me the strength of spirit to do that – to suffer for the salvation of others – for the body and for You until the day You see fit to release me. May I grow deeply in this awareness of spiritual things that my life will forever be pleasing to You – that I will not take it lightly.

 

Help me deal with this fear too though. Be my strong defender – my shield – my hiding place. Help us decide about the motorized wheelchair. Marion and Carrie want to get it. I was against it but they want it to be from the clinic – just a loan to me – so I can get out a little more and have a little independence while I build up strength in my legs. My legs feel strong but I know that after 1½ years of very little use my endurance will not be good for a long time. It would be nice to be able to go out some. I would especially like the portable kind (Amigo) for malls and stores, but not sure if the hand controls are within reach or not. Show us which way to go on this and close the door if it is not of You. I don’t want money wasted but I appreciate the thoughtfulness and love that has generated the desire. Thank you for the love I see in Your people.

 

Thank you for beginning to build a firm foundation for us. Though feelings and circumstances fluctuate, the spirit can stand firm. I know that is where You want us and where You are leading us. What a great freedom it will be. I love You Lord. Help me as I recover to be wise – to take one day at a time, to use my energy in the right way, to know when to stop, to walk in Your Spirit, to do Your will and to hold on to the great hope You have placed in my heart.

 

Thank you most of all today for my wonderful family – for a day of joy thinking about them and remembering Your goodness. Thank you for Mary S’s call – such a blessing – and for Mary J’s prayer today. Bless Madelyn today and be pleased to heal her as she recovers from surgery.

 

January 13, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for another day. Thank you for the steady peace I have been experiencing despite fluctuating outward feelings and physical ups and down. Thank you that You are the sold rock – the cornerstone – my tower of safely. Even as I write this, I recognize how totally weak I am – how prone to fall – how easily moved. And yet by Your Spirit, I can be made strong. It can be a steady progressive process, even though seeming setbacks occur. Help me to remember these times when Your grace overflows – to live in Your truth when it is hard to see the way. Thank you that I can trust You – that the need to know the reasons of each way You lead are not so strong – that I know Your leading is becoming enough.

 

Thank you for Your Word today that we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:37). How can this be? “We can get out of the conflict a spiritual discipline that will greatly strengthen our faith and establish our spiritual character. (Hallelujah – in 1989 I knew this) Our spiritual conflicts are among our choicest blessings and our great adversary is used to train us for his ultimate defeat.”  Thank you Lord for this great truth. Help me to continue to grow in spiritual character, strong in the inner man, ready to serve.

 

Bless my sweet family today. Fill Jim with a deep awareness of Your love and presence. Let his roots go down deep into the rich soil of Your love. Enable him to trust and hope more in Your good purposes for him and for us as a family. Cause him to flee from discouragement. Make me a real blessing to him and help me be as useful as I can – to know how to take on what I should and when. Help me to try physically Lord – to regain endurance and strength even while I am waiting, but give me wisdom in it. You know how unhappy I am about my physical condition but not knowing how to work at it to do better.

 

Bless David and Jenny today. I pray their lives would always honor You and that our home would be a place of peace for all who enter here. Help the children to love You and Your Word – to know You in a personal way – to develop their own special relationship and dependence on You. Make us fit parents Lord.

 

Help Tammy and Kevin today. Meet the deep needs in both of their lives and cover their marriage with Your Blood. Be with Dick and Sue and bless this move. Help Ricky to find Your path for his life.

 

Bless Mom and Dad today. Help me love them more. Show me ways to bless them. I love you Lord. Let this day be covered by Your Blood. Destroy the power of darkness in our home. Let us be filled with Your light today through Your Spirit and by Your grace.

 

I know a message is forming again. I am willing Lord for the sake of Your Kingdom.

 

January 15, 1985

 

Yesterday was troubling Lord. As I have gone off the steroids, my hand has been getting bad again, and yet I don’t want to go on them again. I want Your wisdom. Sometimes I feel so confused. And yet this morning You reminded me that this is not my real home, and my thoughts should be on heavenly things, not on the worries down here. Does this mean to just leave it all in Your hands? Will it not really matter what I do? I’m not sure but I am willing to do Your will. Show me as I don’t want to seek any more treatment but should You initiate it, I am willing.

 

In any case, I sense the higher calling – the strength of Spirit that You want for me that can look beyond the personal trial. For it is surely under Your watch and can be used for Your Kingdom. I know also that the pain and grief do not go away but the strengthening of the foundation makes these secondary to the great hope that burns within me – the great hope that is not even necessarily the physical healing itself, although I know You have promised. But the great hope in Your goodness and perfect plan for me - the new level of trust that is possible because of Your unconditional love for me and because of Your working of grace in my heart – the knowledge that my life and Jim’s and the kids are being used – molded and watched – that what hurt me and hurts them is really working toward the completion of our character and for the good of Your Kingdom.

 

Sometimes I have such joy and yet the frustration and pain still causes feeling and grief, especially the pain within the family. And yet I know You will make it all good for them and for me whether we ever understand it or not. You taught me to be real with others and then to be real with You – a real step to learning about Your love and faithfulness. And now may I grow in learning to love You purely – to be willing to suffer for Your purposes – to be willing to serve in any way You choose. O Lord, that I can please You, even in the long dry lonely times when You are pruning me.

 

But I look forward to honoring You in my health too, not because I believe You must do it but because I believe You have said You will.  My waiting has become different though – not anxious and urgent but more willing to allow You to have Your perfect way. Help me form all You have taught me clearly and help me stand in times of weakness and discouragement. I am amazed at the co-existence of this pain, grief and discouragement along with strength and peace of spirit – how separate are the things of the spirit – how apart from human feeling – how true and right and yet, I am still human and subject to these feelings. Thank God for the Holy Spirit in me – my hope – my strength. Be with Pat as she goes through her chemotherapy today. Lord work a real miracle in her life.

 

I am so impressed by Your complete sovereignty and complete perfection in all You do that it seems almost silly to ask You to work in a way my mind thinks best. Teach me to pray in the spirit that Your true will will be prayed with power for others. I don’t understand how it all works – who are we to understand? And yet You bend Your ear to hear. May our prayers be those that will build Your Kingdom – that will invade the impossible.

 

Bless this day now, Lord.

 

P.S. I still don’t know what to do about the wheelchair – my legs seem so fine.

 

January 17, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for another day – for the continued peace and inner settling I have been experiencing – the solid place You are placing me upon. I can still have feeling and disappointments but this inner place has a stronger voice - Your Spirit beginning to override me. Oh how I have wanted this. Continue to do this work. Thank you that I can more fully see my own complete weakness – not despising it but allowing it to lead me to Your strength. I really felt Your Spirit leading prayer this morning for Jim. This is what You want for him too (and for all Your children). There is so much strength in Jim – which causes him to struggle and never be able to meet the criteria of walking with You. You are helping him let go so You can be his all sufficiency and this is hard. It feels wrong but You want only a place where You are acknowledged and can dwell freely. How aware You are of our weakness and frailty and yet how You love us. Your path often seems wrong and threatens to crush us; but it is actually the process – the means to freedom – the means to the abundant life. More of You and less of me. It is in dying that I live. I am only beginning to glimpse what this means and it is wonderful – it is so powerful and necessary.

 

Open our spiritual eyes Lord. Help us to see the foolishness of our own striving and effort and to begin more and more to allow You to live through us. Christ in me, the hope of glory. What a hope – what a victory – and I have only just begun. Help me listen for Your voice. Thank you for helping me see Jenny’s need and hurt and strengthening when every part of my flesh wanted to flee. Build my relationship with her Lord, even as You have been with David. Make me a strength for her needs, that she might accept the Mommy I am now and find peace and security in her relationship with me and with You. Forgive me for avoiding this – for thinking it was too hard – too draining. It is what I want for her – to nurture and guide her to give her glimpses of You – of the Spirit – of the inner strength that overrides the problems.

 

Cause us to stand and honor You before the entire audience – here on earth as in the heavenlies. Thank you that You can be trusted – that the need to know and understand becomes less as the assurance of Your goodness and sovereignty becomes greater. For surely You are a great and mighty God – able to do all things and wise beyond my human understanding. For surely You have scheduled our days and look down upon us with love and compassion. You will accomplish Your will in us.

 

Sometimes I am excited to realize the value of what I am experiencing. May it be a constant growing – a constant letting go. There is still so much flesh, so many wrong desires. But You have shown me Your love and I know I will not see perfection until I see You face to face.

 

Use me to bless Your Kingdom; however You choose – publicly or privately. Teach me to meditate on Your ways – to grow during the long quiet hours – that I might be a strength to the body through prayer and understanding – and to my family How great are Your ways Lord – how profound Your thoughts.

 

Thank you that I can once again feel happy. You have made me smile again. This is the day You have made – I will rejoice and be glad n it. Please work out the details of Joyce’s trip and pave the way for. I long to be with them – to love them – to show Your love to them. Please work it out quickly and plainly – and Mom and Dad too.

 

January 18, 1985

 

Forgive me Lord for not getting up to read and pray with Jim. Help me overcome the urge to sleep – to build our time together with You once again. I know it is so valuable and yet I let go so easily. Bless my Jim today – anoint him and fill him with a keen awareness of You even as he busily teaches and works.

 

I am still overwhelmed at what You are teaching me. Help me to always recognize Your grace – to never think better of myself than I should – to always remember my weakness that I might not fall but continue on in Your power for the good of Your Kingdom. Take away selfish motives and vanities Lord that my heart might be pure before You.

 

One of the devotionals really spoke to me today confirming so much of what You have been showing me. I pray Ps. 17:5 “Hold up my goings in Thy paths that my footsteps slip not.” And thank you for your promise in Ps. 18:33 “He maketh my feet like hinds’ feet and setteth me upon my high places.”

 

Thank you that I am being “continually strengthened with all might, according to Your glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness – giving thanks unto You, my Father which hath made me meet to be partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light.” (Col. 1:11,12) Thank you for an opportunity to share with the Harris’ last night a glimpse of Your power. How hungry they are – how much Your children need to know that reality of this great working of your spirit – how much I need to continue on. Oh that You will bring Your people to a place of inner strength, that the pulls of the world, the fleshly strengths, the vanities would melt away under Your perfection. Oh for a body that lives in the realm of the Spirit. Make us that body Lord – our family, Wycliffe, our church. Strengthen Your children – bring a new level of faith and may it last – may we know the joy and awesomeness of being led by You – of being totally abandoned to You – of being unshakeable in Spirit – of being sure-footed like the hind on the mountain goat. Surely this is Your desire for Your children. May it be so and may You be glorified here on earth and in the heavenlies as never before. Oh, the great profoundness of it all. May I never lose sight of the meaning – of the vision – of the great hope of Christ in me.

 

In being real with You and learning of You I am beginning to know what it means to gain my life through losing it; to be more than a conqueror; to be made strong in my weakness. Things that were just concepts are becoming experiences. How great a thing this is. How great a God You are!

 

January 20, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for this day. Thank you for the nice times yesterday. Although I was alone most of the day my fellowship with You was sweet. I thought much about all You have been showing me. It still overwhelms me and sometimes my mind seems too small to grasp it and yet I know it is true. I have glimpsed the power of the spirit-filled life – of Christ in me. I know it is real and I want it. I also know it is not anything I can attain in the flesh. Only by losing myself to You can this life be possible. It is Your work and I trust You but I must grow in my sensitivity to You and my knowledge of Your Word and my time spent with You that this life of the Spirit might be more than a glimpse – a possibility but a constant, growing reality. “Invading the Impossible”, Pastor M’s series has a whole new meaning and depth in light of all this.

 

Thank you for sweet times with Jim yesterday in the midst of his busy day – for fun with the kids and a nice family time. Continue to work in our home Lord and draw us into Your presence. Unite our hearts that we might be of one mind, dedicated to serve You. Touch us again Lord and help us stir up the fire. We desire to honor and serve You together. Thank you for a husband who loves You and hears from You. Thank you for his burden to lead the computer department into godly service. The thoughts he expressed to me yesterday were exactly what the Living Light said for the day and he hadn’t even read it. Help him realize that he is hearing Your voice – that his thoughts and desires come from Your Spirit in him – Christ in him, the hope of glory. Enable him to stand firm against the condemning lies of the enemy that he might work fully in the light and do all You have prepared for him, great things within the department and in our home.

 

Thank you that Joyce, Arnie and kids are coming. Prepare that time Lord that it might be a life-changing and eye-opening experience for them. Enable them to see You. Speak life into Arnie’s faith and give him spiritual vision to see right from wrong and lead his family into truth. Thank you for the good talk with Mom and Dad. Help them Lord to look to You in this time of discouragement. I hope in Your promise to save them and ask that it might be soon and that You would be pleased to let me see it.

 

Bless my visit with Dr. N tomorrow. I pray I could be a real blessing to him – that he would sense the real miracle that has taken place – the reality of Your help and deliverance in the midst of trouble.

 

Your words to me today from Streams: “Sorrow, with despair taken out of it, is the chosen power to reveal ourselves to ourselves. Hence it is sorrow that makes us think deeply, long and soberly. Sorrow makes us go slower and more considerately and introspect our motives and dispositions. It is sorrow that open up within us the capacities of the heavenly life and it is sorrow that makes us willing to launch our capacities on a boundless sea of service for God and our fellows.”

 

Thanks for helping me finally find something really special to send Mom – the Precious Moments dolls – and for the book Jim found for Dad. Thanks for the clothes too. I trust You to provide for me all that I need.

 

January 21, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for a good prayer time with Jim this morning. You led me in prayer for him bringing out how he is living totally in the realm of feelings in his spiritual crises the way I have in my physical crisis. You want him to begin to confess what is true – what Your Word says about him and Your plans for him regardless of feelings – to acknowledge that feelings are totally inaccurate – controlled by the flesh and influenced by Satan who knows our weaknesses. Even when our feelings are opposite we must, by our will, by faith, acknowledge the truth. As we do this again and again, we reinforce the things of the Spirit, our faith is strengthened and we begin to live in the realm of the Spirit. Soon the feelings come also in line with the Spirit. But this is a continuous battle that must be fought again and again by the power of the Word of Truth and Christ in us. Only as we see our complete weakness and abandon ourselves to You, believing in Your Word against all circumstances and surroundings – only then can we begin to experience the realm of the Spirit – the realm in which we truly belong. For we are strangers here on earth – our life is with You even now and this is the secret to the abundant life – the Christ life. May I grow in my understanding of those mysteries and in my walk in the Spirit, learning to accept the human part of me that hurts and weakens but never to trust it. I am so far from the goal but so encouraged to press on – to see the possibilities of a happy, wholesome life in the Spirit even as I suffer pain and loss in the flesh. Such a great wonder is this and You are doing it for Jim too although his pain is a different kind. Teach him Lord. Open his spiritual eyes to receive what we prayed this morning and to begin by faith to do it.

 

Thank you that even though my skin is worse – my first attempt at wearing the new clothes a failure – my arm muscles flared up – that I can still rejoice and feel good about my life. I am disappointed and wish I could have success with the clothes but I also know that You can free me from this. And if not, You can use it for the sake of the Body. This doesn’t mean I can’t feel pain or even disappointment but the hope in my heart balances this and allows me to endure and grow in steadfastness.

 

The Living Light really beautifully expressed what You are doing in me. “I can rejoice … when I run into problems and trials for I know that they are good for me – they help me learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character and helps me trust God more each time I use it until finally my hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, I am able to hold my head high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for I know how dearly God loves me and I feel this warm love everywhere within me because God has given me the Holy Spirit to fill my heart with His love.” (Rom. 5:3-5)

 

Please bless my time with Dr. N. I pray he could sense and see all You have done in my heart – that he could be challenged and encouraged by Your greatness and grace and power. Direct all that is said that I might, through Christ, bless him in a special way today.

 

January 22, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for a good visit with Dr. N and the opportunity to share what You have been doing. Please work out a time when we can get together with him and Delores. I praise You for our very special family prayer time last night – for the time of worship and the presence of Your Spirit. We need Your touch so much at those times. Help us grow in our love and worship as a family. Thanks for this special prayer time with Jim this morning and for helping him in his spirit and open his eyes to receive more of what You are saying.

 

I enjoyed talking to Andy today and sharing all You are doing. Everyone is so hungry for the life of the Spirit. O Lord help me form this experience into relatable words or writing. Andy said it is my responsibility to do this that others might be reminded of our real calling – to live in the Spirit.

 

I am still awed by all You are showing me and as I share, my joy overflows. It is too great to contain. Thank you for this precious joy in the midst of all this pain. My skin has bad burns and my arms have been spastic (especially the left). Dr. N was disappointed in the deterioration of the left reflexes. But I cannot despair – not with all You are doing for me. I do want healing and believe You will do that but the greatest hope is this life of the Spirit. I want it most of all. I want to glorify You and do the works You have prepared for me.

 

I have seen how You are so able to help me – how valuable the life of the Spirit is for it is eternal, while the life of feelings and the physical life are temporal.  We are so easily distracted from all this but it is the only way to the abundant life. Direct me in my efforts to organize and capture all You have shown me. If You truly want me to write or speak, make the message clear and anoint me to do the job.

 

Please continue to bless our family times. I know as I am here shut in, my life can be a blessing to them and if through my prayers and growth I can cause them to be blessed, then it has been worth it all. I wonder at the verse in Colossians 1 about completing the sufferings of Christ. If I am doing that then it is a great privilege. Whatever this is for, it is in Your care. You know how I long for my health but this joy makes life so meaningful even though to the world it appears ruined. Thank you for all You have done. Keep me on Your path of life because I desire to do Your will.

 

January 25, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for Your continuous help. I realize this is a very special time for me. I want to hold it forever. I pray I might grow into that steadiness that I will be able to grasp these things forever. There is still so much to discourage me, especially my skin. I keenly feel the disappointment and sometimes hopelessness and yet You continue to call me back to the realm of the Spirit where my real life is and where these physical things cannot rob me of that joy.

 

I have had many opportunities to share and I sense this is what You want me to do. It just naturally overflows out of me. I can hardly contain it! Your word in “Whispers” on the 23rd confirmed that this is how it should be. It used the Scriptures Joshua 4:8,9 where Joshua and the children of Israel set up twelve stones in the Jordan and on land. “One heap of stones was covered; the other open for all to see. Have you passed through some new experience of the power and love of God? (YES she wrote in!) Write about it. The note will be like the heap of stones in the river – private between you and God. But don’t forget the other heap, which wasn’t private. The people you meet will notice something that will make them ask questions. Take them into your confidence. Tell them what has been done for you, not long ago, but perhaps one hour or two ago, or yesterday or last week. Set up your heap of stones to the glory of your Lord so that all will see that He is indeed a God of deliverance, a splendid living joy.”

 

Thanks for the sweet note and tape from Debbie T. We have thought of her so often. We want to have her over. Help us do it and to write to Emilita – not to let these things go. Lord please let the Precious Moments dolls come in soon that I might send them to Mom. Please don’t let it take too long. Help me write her meanwhile and make a tape for her of us talking to her.

 

Sometimes there is so much I want to do I don’t know where to start. And then I think of Jim’s hectic life – torn every which way. He worked until 2am last night. He is so behind and torn too by things he wants to get done. Please help him – stretch his time, protect him, keep him from getting too tired and run down. Give us quality time together. Help me love him with Your love and make him happy in my limited ways. Your ways are unlimited. Let Christ in me minister to him and be sensitive to his needs. Bless my sweet little ones too. I love them so. Keep them by Your power and grace.

 

January 27, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for the strength to do the breakfast dishes this morning. Thank you for the wonderful evening with the family last night – for our fun dinner at the Mex – for our fun with the kids – for our special prayer time – for Your moving on David’s heart to give $5 to buy a Chinese Bible – a very great sacrifice from his heart. Bless him in it and cause him to grow in his love and commitment to You. Thank you for Jenny’s haircut Jim and I gave her that she likes (PTL!)

 

And yet Lord, You know I am living this new Christ-life much more by faith now – having to disregard my feelings and disappointments (tiredness, pain and tendencies to worry) to set my mind on all You have taught me. It doesn’t come as easily as when You first enlightened my mind but it is no less true and no less the way to victory and the abundant life. I praise You because You want to establish me in it – teach me to abide even when Your joy does not abound every minute. And I will learn how to live in Your joy because You have made it a reality and will help me now to stand and do what You have shown me. Thank you for explaining the process to me in “Streams” today. How good of You to help me understand – to encourage me – that too brings me great joy. Let me capture the main ideas here. “Whispers” also had a poem – a prayer – for Your guidance through this time of settling in all You have shown me.

 

(Marked as very important) “In taking Christ in any new relationship, we must first have sufficient intellectual light to satisfy our mind that we are entitled to stand in this relationship (You have given me this about the Christ-life – PTL) Then having seen this we must make the venture, the choice and take the place just as definitely as the tree is planted in the soil (no reserve, without recall). Then there is a season of establishing, settling and testing (1 Peter 5:1) during which we must ‘stay put’ until the new relationship gets so fixed as to become a permanent habit. (Those who walk in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires – Rom. 8:5) So God has His spiritual splints that He wants to put upon His children and keep them quiet and unmoved until they pass the first stage of faith. It is not always easy but the God of all grace who has called me unto His eternal glory by Jesus Christ, after I have suffered awhile, stabilize, strengthen, settle me.” Simpson

 

“There is a natural law of sin and sickness and if we just let ourselves go and sink into the trend of circumstances, we shall go down and sink under the power of the tempter. But there is another law of spiritual life and of physical life in Christ Jesus to which I can rise and through which I can counterpoise and overcome the other law that bears me down. But to do this requires real (1) spiritual energy, (2) fixed purpose, (3) settled posture and (4) habit of faith. There is a spiritual law of (1) choosing, (2) believing, (3) abiding and (4) holding steady in our walk with God which is essential to the working of the Holy Ghost in us.”

 

Thank you for these great truths. Restore my arms now as I have tired them so. Bless this day. Be pleased to give us a joyful day as a family in Your Spirit. I love you Lord. I choose to grow to become established – to mature – to believe. Surely You will finish this great work in me. May I cause others to be blessed, especially in my home.

 

January 29, 1985

 

This has been quite a morning. Yesterday I spoke to Pat and she is suffering so – not just physically but in her spirit. O Lord my heart was so touched. I felt so helpless to comfort – to help – to encourage.

 

This morning I awoke in great pain and my mind immediately turned to Pat. As I began to cry out for her I was overwhelmed by a sense of Your asking me to do something – something that I did not feel I could do – to let go of the wonderful blessing and joy I have been experiencing that she might have it. I said, “Lord surely there is enough light for both of us. I needn’t give mine.” But You kept me to this. I said, “Lord, it would be easier to give my physical life than that. The darkness has been so long and I am only just beginning to experience the light. How can I let go? Why would You even want me to? Aren’t I to go on growing – to share, to bless others with this light?” But You pressed on. You reminded me of Jesus who had to not only given His physical life but even faced spiritual loss for that terrible moment. “But surely I am too weak. I can not make it even a moment without You.” You reminded me of that verse I have asked about in Colossians 1 – about completing Christ’s sufferings. But I couldn’t say yes. Finally, through great agony I said, “Your will be done. If there is no other way, I will trust You.”

 

Later I backed down. Jim and I talked. He reminded me that no blessing was to be held on to but to be shared. He said he was willing to go with me in this – for surely it can affect him too. The timing seems wrong with Joyce coming. I feel I need Your joy to be full in me. But as I entered into deeper communion with You I knew it was You calling me. Perhaps I will again face the pit. I don’t know but I knew I had to do it – for You – for Pat. I suffered great anguish but Your light flooded me.

 

Pat’s verse for today is “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved. God shall help her, and that right early.” (Ps. 46:2,3,5) You reminded me that Paul foresaw bonds and affliction awaited him but he could triumphantly say, “None of these things move me.” Everything in Paul’s life and experience that could be shaken had been shaken and he not longer counted his life dear to him. And if we let God have His way with us, we come to the same place – nothing can have the power to move me from the peace that passeth understanding which is declared to be the portion of those who have learned to rest only in God.

 

“Him that overcomes will I make a pillar in the temple of my God and he shall go no more out.” To be as immovable as a pillar is an end for which one would gladly endure all the shakings necessary to bring us there.” (Streams)

 

As I let go, I felt a great heaviness descend on my spirit, but I soon realized it was not my heaviness – it is hers in a sense. I am carrying her burden and yet I sense the peace and steadiness of my own spirit. I long to see the blessing in her spirit – her countenance change – her heart fill with joy as I sense she is close to being with You very soon. If I in some way can do this for her I am willing. Take away all fear. I have loved these sunny places and green meadows that have been here so briefly. But I can not hold on to them – not if by letting go, Pat can, in her great need, have them. How hard – not at all how I expected You to use me – not at all what I would want and not at all what I can even understand. But Your will be done Lord. I love You and I love her. You know I would never lightly give up any part of the light You have given me – that it is with great sorrow I make this offering but also with joy for I know in whom I believe and that He is able to keep that which I’ve committed unto Him. I know I can trust You and You will not leave me. Whatever You must do You will use to strengthen and bring me deeper. It is not a public thing – not at all what I imagined for I am so often in the flesh. But it is a great calling. Lord help me – help us all and move in Pat’s spirit quickly.

 

I will continue to praise You – to tell others of Your goodness – to live in the light and trust You to do this as I have laid the blessing at Your alter. Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.

 

Paul’s greatest declaration of self-denial was in a spiritual sense and was far greater than I can even imagine. Romans 9:1-3

 

January 30, 1985

 

O Lord, she is dying. Be with her and minister this truth to her: Jesus is alive. He has given us victory over the grave. I just heard that song “Where O grave is your victory? Where O death is your sting?” on the radio as I was weeping for Pat and I have to pause and praise You for this – the greatest of victories – and Pat is almost there. If her time is near, take her quickly and peacefully Lord. Please let her see that glory before she departs – that even Blaine and her mother can see Your goodness to Pat as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death.

 

It is her lymph glands now – she will go to the hospital tomorrow to get an IV. Lord, in the quietness of that room, come to her as never before. Give me wisdom about seeing her. I don’t want to if I shouldn’t. Help me know how to bear her burden. Jeanne is worried that I am too involved. Of course she doesn’t know of the calling You gave me yesterday. I must trust You to bring me through this grief and burden because You have asked me to carry it. Thank you for continued joy even in the midst of this burden. Thank you for Your eternal love and grace.

 

January 31, 1985

 

I love You Lord. I have been in such pain – my arms in constant spasms, my legs spastic in the morning, my body drained of all energy. Jim says I’ve done too much but I feel it has more to do with Pat. I don’t like it but I am not afraid for me.

 

Today I watched Job 2 – it was a great blessing. I was so exhausted just watching. I went to bed and slept a couple hours off and on interspersed with keeping Pat before You. I find I am constantly lifting this loved one to You, even though I have never seen her. Sometimes the heaviness and grief overwhelms me for a while. Her grief mingles with mine and the line is not as clear anymore. Any yet You remind me of her ultimate victory – and mine. I know my spirit is whole and I am experiencing something I do not understand but it is something very precious. It is not easy or joyful but I know the purpose and the hope - that life and strength (especially spiritually) are being infused into Pat as I suffer and that is a special blessing to me. I have full confidence You will not let this be wrong for me, even though it feels like it could be. I don’t want this draining but, if this is part of it all, then I embrace it – for You – for Pat.

 

Your verse for today – Col. 3:12 “Clothe yourselves then as God’s chosen ones, His consecrated and dearly loved ones in a heart of sympathy, in kindness, in lowliness, in gentleness, in tireless patience.”

 

Life is mostly froth and bubble

Two things stand like stone:

Kindness in another’s trouble

Courage in your own.

 

Lord, give me kindness and courage. Thank you for whatever You are doing for You do all things well.

 

You encouraged me: “Dear Cora, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in Christ’s sufferings so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12,13

 

“Dear Pat, part of my work is to suffer for you and I am glad for I am helping to finish up the remainder of Christ’s sufferings for His body, the church.” Col. 1:24

 

February 1, 1985

 

We are going to see Pat today at the hospital. Please bless that time – how we need Your guidance and presence. Thank you for the special time Jim had yesterday with the printer salesman who asked him to go to lunch. He remembered Jim had talked about the Lord and has begun reading the Bible and needs guidance. He and his wife will come for dinner next Saturday. Prepare that time that Your Spirit will minister to them.

 

Today I cut my hair. I’m hoping it won’t be too bad. I had to use just my right arm with the scissors. I couldn’t even hold the hair – just slide the scissors through and cut. I had to go through lots of contortions and it’s not as nice as when Carol cut it (for sure) but better than when it gets long and wild. Please calm my arms down now and forgive me if I shouldn’t have done it. Thank you it looks pretty good. I pray You will allow me to keep it up as I don’t like to burden Carol and as short as I need it would have to go often to a beauty shop. Perhaps Jim can learn to cut it. Meanwhile, bless my attempts and give me strength please my Lord – it means so much to me to be able to have my hair neat and easy to care for.

 

We have to go to the DMV this morning before Pat. Just anoint our time. Give me strength – also for Debbie’s visit tomorrow. I didn’t sleep well but I feel a bit stronger today, at least so far. We had a nice prayer time this morning – thank you. I still don’t know what exactly You are doing. I only know I am learning more and more about the Christ life (even if I am still a bit stubborn like about my hair – I’m sorry but thanks for helping me anyway).

 

The money came in for the electric wheelchair. Marian will be talking to me about it. Thank you for whoever donated $10,000. I will be able to have whatever type is best for me. Please guide me in the decision and lead us to the right sources. Thanks for the chance to have it. As my legs have been weaker, I realize how special it will be to be able to get out on my own. I can’t wait. I feel like a kid getting a new bike. I pray I’ll be able to wear clothes enough to get out and enjoy it. Your know how bad my skin has been, but it too is in Your hands.

 

Thank you for giving me fun back in my life – joy even as I carry this burden for Pat. I want to learn more and more of You – to be pure in heart and able to serve. Bless this day Lord. I bless You and praise You from the depths of my being.

 

Undated entry, probably about February 5, 1985

 

My visit with Pat was so special. We didn’t even have to communicate. We looked long and deep into each other’s eyes as if to memorize each other’s faces. She was so cute – taking her oxygen mask off so I could see what she really looked like. She was so ill. My heart was crushed but she was feeling better since getting IV and oxygen. It is strange but I felt better too after such awful draining the few days before.

 

Saturday and Sunday I felt like my life was being drained out of me. My body was in terrible pain almost constantly. I talked to Blaine Sunday. She was much worse – failing quickly – a matter of days he said. She had no pain though. Could it be I helped bear her pain those last awful days? I hope so. I had no fear for myself but remained in constant communion with You Lord – holding them up to You. I do not understand it all.

 

Blaine had to tell Krista her Mommy was dying and was allowed to take her there Sunday night even with chickenpox. I knew it had to be soon. This morning I awoke abruptly between 1 and 2 AM. The awful pain was gone. Somehow I knew Pat either entered Your resting place or was already with You.

 

In the morning I felt heaviness for Blaine and Krista but not for Pat. I called the hospital. They made me go through the nurse’s desk, not patient information. They asked if I was immediate family. When I said no they told me she was as well as could be expected. She is with You, isn’t she Lord? Whatever the case may be, I know Pat is victorious. Now minister Your deep love and healing to the rest of the family as only You can.

 

Another undated entry, probably about February 6, 1985

 

Pat is still with us, but I sense she is at peace. Let it be a marvelous thing Lord for all to see. Today my skin is really broken out with some sort of secondary infection – fungus or something after 2 days of feeling so much better. Martha has some dresses. One is really nice and I think it will work. Another may work as a blouse (it is short for a dress) but the fabric could cause problems. I am tempted to feel sad for myself today. I’m very tired and then the skin gets me down but I must remember to dwell on You inside of me where everything is safe.

 

I have a great burden to write the report and label changes Jim wants for the mail list system. Please help me Lord - I feel so unable - also donor letters. I want to share a little of the blessing You have given me but my energy is so low and I just don’t last long. I praise You for the ability to write. It helps so much. I wish my skin could be better. Get my eyes off of it Lord. Enable me to stand in the time of testing

 

February 7, 1985

 

Pat just went to be with You, Lord. Thank you that her struggle is over. Show us how to minister to Blaine and Doris and Kristen. Thank you that she died a peaceful, painless death. I know she had Your peace restored – probably that Sunday night when the heavy burden lifted. These last days have been such a struggle for me as I have had a terrible outburst of hives. I had to be pumped full of antihistimines and steroids and off Tagamet and other medicines. The thought of going off Baclofen really had me scared but I want to trust You. I know these days distracted me from the higher calling and I’m sorry Lord. I know You have promised to order my life and I have really tried to obey You but my weakness and flesh sometimes overwhelm me. My feelings begin to take over again and fears beset me.

 

Renew a right spirit in me Lord that I might go forth in Your power and strength. I thank you that I seem to be getting better but however You choose to work I want to be living in the right realm – Christ in me – the only hope of glory – the only hope that can never disappoint.

 

I know You are so wise and good – even though it is hard and sad to see Pat die, I know You have chosen that way for a purpose. You will help Blaine and Kristen build a new life and will comfort them through the loneliness and grief. May it be a time of growth in the midst of the sorrow and pain.

 

Tomorrow’s “Streams” caught my eye and ministered to me once again the necessity of living one day at a time. “Lo, I am with you all the appointed day.” Matt. 28:20 “Do not look forward to the changes and chances of life with fear. Rather look at them with full hope that as they arise, God whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept me this far; I must but hold fast to His dear hand and He will lead me safely through all things: and when I cannot stand, You will bear me in Your arms. Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then; put aside ALL anxious thoughts and imaginations.”

 

Thank you Father. I receive anew Your peace, Your grace for today, and Your hope for tomorrow.

 

P.S. Thanks for helping me fix the report program.

 

February 9, 1985

 

I am so thoroughly drained – my life seems poured out. I know part of it is from the time of special intercession for Pat and then the results of the physical trauma I went through this week with all the drugs. I seem to be in a withdrawal now after heavy doses of steroids and antihistamines – it feels awful Lord but I think you for bringing me through.

 

Elaine’s visit was just what I needed yesterday. I love her dearly and it was such a joy to get to share with her all I have been learning about You. I know this is a form of stirring up the spirit with us for I am always refreshed and invigorated by it – we are to recall and encourage each other and thus keep the work of the Spirit alive and flowing. Bless her weekend Lord and especially her meeting on Monday. May Your will be done in all this and may You be greatly glorified.

 

Move in the life of this man who is struggling so much with his application Lord and bless him and open his eyes to the realm of the Spirit. Help me to hang on today. I feel so awful I can’t move. The spasticity is back and my mind is dull. I am tired and in pain but I love You and commit all this to Your care. Please bless our donor letters that they might minister to our loved ones. Please give me the strength to do it. How much I need You today. Today’s “Streams” is precious. I must record part of it later. Also Living Light was all about heaven where Pat is now. What a joy to be reminded of what lies ahead. I bless You Lord. Refresh and revive me in body, soul and spirit.

 

2 Peter 1:2-10 that Jim read today certainly is challenging. Help us live it Lord.

 

February 9, 1985 night

 

Thank you that Jim and Jenny get to go to Pauley Pavilion and see live gymnastics tonight with Julianne McNamara and Tracie Talavera. Jenny is beside herself with excitement. Help them get there safely and to get good seats and have a wonderful time. David gets to have Ross over for the night and we will have pizza and brownies. May it be fun and special for them too. I am still very weary, having obvious cortisone withdrawal and even running a little temp. I think my body and spirit have been through the wringer and I just need to let everything rest. Be my comforter and close companion Lord. Thank you I am never alone.

 

February 11, 1985

 

“Who can discern his errors? Clear Thou me from hidden faults (and obvious ones). Keep back Thy servant also from presumptuous sins … Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in They sight O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

 

Cleanse me Lord from my awful start this day – full of flesh, selfishness and lack of love. I struggled so with this shock to my body which has troubled me, but that is no excuse to turn on others and give in to my feelings. Thank you for Your forgiveness and the forgiveness of my family. I also see I am being tested on this new level of trust on the drug withdrawal that has been severe and fearful. Last night I thought I might die. The prayers of Jim and the children and their ministry brought us into Your presence and the fear was gone although I still physically suffered. This morning I was terribly grouchy with the kids and still feeling a bit fearful about what is happening to my body. Bring me back to the realm of the Spirit where all is safe and calm.

 

I know I am being tested because of all You have shown me which I have tried to share. I started to think I’d better be silent to protect myself but once again You encouraged me from Your Word that You want me to always think and talk of Your greatness. May my thoughts and words always be glorifying and edifying – never done in a proud way for surely everything I know and have comes from You. I am nothing – I see that. How quickly I fail apart from Your working in me – how much flesh. O Lord, how wonderful it will be to mature more and more. Thank you that even though I fail again and again Your blood covers me and cleanses me – that there is no condemnation – that I am a new creation and this moment is a new beginning. May I learn to set aside the failures of the past more quickly and press on toward the goal to win the prize for which I have been called heavenward through Christ Jesus.

 

From Living Light:

 

Those who feared and loved the Lord spoke often of Him to each other. And He had a Book of Remembrance drawn up in which He recorded names of those who feared Him and loved to think about Him. Mal. 3:16

 

Remember what Christ taught and let His words enrich your lives and make you wise; teach them to each other and sing them out in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing to the Lord with thankful hearts. Col. 3:16

 

Speak to each other about these things every day while there is still time so that none of you will become hardened against God, being blinded by the glamour of sin. Heb. 3:13

 

Teach them to your children and talk about them when you are home or out for a walk; at bedtime and the first thing in the morning. Deut. 6:7

 

I will talk to others all day long about Your justice and Your goodness. Ps. 71:24

 

Forgive me for being afraid of what I might suffer. I know these thoughts come from the enemy. Make me sure and steady Lord in the things of the Spirit. Bless Elaine today in her 11 am meeting. Let Your will be done and minister in a very special way to that man. May You be greatly glorified. Strengthen Elaine for her trip to Florida. I know she must be tired. How she needs Your calm presence. Surround her with Your Spirit of peace.

 

Bless David and Jenny’s vacation day and keep me off their case Lord. Help me love them with Your love. Keep them safe and well as they play.  Be with Jim and cover his day with Your blood. Encourage him in the things of Your Spirit. Thank you for his special ministry through You last night. Help him know how much I need him.

 

My body is weak, my emotions uncontrollable but my spirit is on the solid Rock. Thank you Lord that this place of pain and weakness is not where my real life is. I can experience and let out these feelings knowing I am safe and secure and strong in the real life that is hidden in You, my precious Lord. Thank you for this release of tears – for my weakness. How much more precious is the Christ-life on days when I obviously just can’t make it. I praise You – forever.

 

February 13, 1985

 

I’m feeling better in my head but have been run down and not sleeping well. Forgive me for fearful times. I just want to continue trusting You moment by moment. Jim and I had such a good prayer time yesterday – I just sense the great victory at the end for him as he learns to accept his weaknesses and lay them at Your feet.

 

Today I’m tired after a rough night. Jeff’s short visit was a blessing. Bless my time with Harry and Dr. N. Give me wisdom in this physically fragile time, which has so many deceptive moments. Thanks for helping me get 3 comment lines for the label program. It was hard but is working well. Also for donor labels. I want to take on as much as I can and should. Give me wisdom. I sense increasing strength but am so easily set back. Also my bladder and bowels have been very distressing (especially bowels). All that medicine really has me off kilter. Be pleased to restore me; meanwhile enable me to rest in full trust and confidence, prepared to do and speak Your will.

 

Be pleased to keep us well, especially for Joyce’s visit. I would really appreciate it if we could be all well for that. I trust it to You and ask because it is my desire. I pray most of all Your Spirit will rule and reign here in a way that is obvious to Joyce and Arnie. Bless our time with Ben and Rachel – let it be a real ministry of love.

 

My skin is very flared up. I don’t want to get all down about it. Help me live in Your realm Lord. I accept and offer my weaknesses anew to You today that I might have Your strength in a new way. I want to really grow to love others more and to have more concern for them than for myself – what a long way to go but You are helping me.

 

February 14, 1985

 

Happy Valentines’ Day, Lord!!

 

What a special morning. We had such fun with our cards and Jim got me NEW SPEAKERS!! That is such a surprise!!

 

JJ, Darcy and Alice came over with flowers. I never had my time with You and I so badly need it so here I am Lord. You know what an awful night I had. The awful pain after Dr. N. hurt my arms so badly and how the new bulk medicine hurt my belly. I was a mess! You helped me turn to You but I was upset and struggling. Cleanse me of all wrong thoughts. Forgive me for harboring wrong feelings towards Dr. N. He has been kind and if anything was intentional on his part, I forgive him. Help me love him unconditionally – that’s often a very big challenge and yet he’s so wonderful most of the time. Help me really care for him, pray for him and be a help and encouragement in his life.

 

Thank you for Your precious encouragement in the devotionals today. The Living Light reminded me “I am all that you need. Whom have I in heaven but You? My health fails; me spirit droops, yet God remains! You are the strength of my heart – You are mine forever. The Lord Himself is my inheritance, my prize. He is my food and drink, my highest joy! My soul claims the Lord as my inheritance; therefore I WILL hope in Him. I will prove You with great joy. I lie awake thinking of You – of how much You have helped me and how I rejoice through the night beneath the protecting shadow of Your winds!”

 

“Streams” encouraged me to rejoice and keep on even when I cannot feel any joy, when there is no spring, no seeming comfort and encouragement. Still rejoice and count it ALL joy, even when I fall into temptation. I am to reckon it joy and You will make my reckoning sure. The Holy Spirit will sustain me in my bold advance and fill my heart with gladness and praise.

 

“Be filled with the Spirit … singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.” In Eph.5:18-19 Paul counsels his readers not to seek their stimulus through the body but through the Spirit - not the quickening of the flesh but by the exaltation of the soul. “At midnight, Paul and Silas prayed and sang praises unto God, and the prisoners heard them.” Acts 6:25. Surely the grace, which enabled them to sing under such suffering, is ALL SUFFICIENT grace and it is mine too!!

 

Whispers spoke in the same verse “Those therefore that endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.” 2 Tim. 2:3 It’s so easy to soften and yield back to our fleshly ways. When Paul wrote to endure hardness he meant remain under it and don’t slip from under it – don’t try to avoid it – and hardship was not some trivial little trouble. May I be ever willing to endure hardness for Your sake Lord. Take out of me the flesh that fears and shakes and continue to build me upon the solid rock. It is hard today – my arms and legs are spastic. Dr. N said the nerves to the bones of my shoulder are affected which cause much pain and interference. My brain went through a crises from drugs and actually swelled. Thank you for protecting me. But yet, my intestines are paralyzed and bladder spastic, still from the drugs. You know how troublesome it is for me and yet You have let this hardness be here. May I endure it in a way that honors You.

 

My skin is bad too, but I don’t want to dwell on all this. How easily I become my main concern – so weak, such easy prey. But You would make me a giant in spirit – able to stand and ready to do Your will. So be it Lord. I love You and I choose to trust You. I bless You before all the witnesses in heaven and on earth. I pray You would be pleased to physically help me if that be Your desire for me today. If not, then I know You will give me Your wonderful grace. Take away the desire for pity from others that rises up in the midst of these times. Thank you Lord for everything.

 

February 16, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for special blessings – my nice talk with Mom and Dad, my new speakers and I got to have the old ones in the bedroom so I can hear our nice stereo even when I’m in bed. Thank you for the new budgie “Chitter” David Graves gave David. He’s a darling – already so friendly. He should be an excellent pet. Thanks that Jim is letting Dave get the new cage today. Please bless their time out. Help them not to get on each other’s nerves too much. Bless David’s night out for hockey with the Lindholm boys too.

 

Lord, it is so exciting to think I may get an Amigo. They even have them now with controls for handicapped arms. Even though I’m really up for it, I’m still willing to take NO for an answer and trust You have a good reason (like maybe I won’t need it long enough to be worth it or whatever) It’s fun to think about it anyway. Thank you for a few clothes that look promising – for Joyce and Arnie’s upcoming arrival. Thanks for the lovely vase and flowers from NMCC (our church) – they have really loved me through this and I want so to bless them.

 

Thanks that even though my body is still not working well, I am feeling better. I ask You to help my intestines to get better and guide me with all the medicine.  Please let things go well for Madelyn as she may need more surgery and is so depressed – and her face is not doing well. How sad and how hard to understand and yet I have to believe You have a good plan for her future. Please let her really sense that in the spirit. She needs Your touch so much – Your hope and comfort. Please surround her Lord.

 

Bless Bernie and Nancy. Give them a refreshing weekend with Jamie and his wife. Let them be built up and encouraged. I trust You for the timing of Joyce and Arnie’s visit and Jamie being here at the same time. I just ask You to work in special ways. If I don’t get to see Jamie, I will not complain. Help me truly love everyone and not to place high expectations on them. Help me to really forgive Shannon. Bless her and meet her needs. Use her for Your honor and glory. I release all hurt feelings and ask for complete healing in her life.

 

Thanks for Hal and Evelyn and the way they have stood by in good and bad times and thoroughly supported us in every way. They are so neat. Help us to really love them and bless them.

 

Lord, I commit this day to You asking for Your Spirit to be full in us. Bless Your services tomorrow. Anoint and refresh Pastor Wood as he prepares. Thank you for the beautiful moving of Your Spirit these last weeks. Please give George the rest and refilling he needs. Guard his heart from the enemy. Keep him in the center of Your will. May many lives be touched to Your glory tomorrow.

 

February 20, 1985

 

Joyce’s visit has been so special so far. I really love her. She is so fun. The children are precious together! Rachel looks like a little Jenny and follows her everywhere – such a cutie. Ben is sweet and fun with a good sense of humor. Today they are at Disneyland. Bless the day Lord and give them good weather. Thank you.

 

I am exhausted. The visit is wonderful but I am all hyper and I had company during my quiet time yesterday. I never even had time with You. I’m sorry – no wonder I’m so weak. Fill me anew today Lord. I come to You unable to do it. So much of my flesh rises up. I start to talk too much. Part is eagerness to share how good You’ve been but part is flesh and I ask Your forgiveness.

 

You reminded me today how wonderful is the possibility of the Christ-life but also how totally it is of you – how totally unable I am to even begin to have a part in it. Cleanse me of any thoughts of self-attainment. I know all the more how much I need You now that I have experienced this power. I talked Pastor Wood’s ear off when he called. I shared what is exciting to me but perhaps it should not have been shared. Forgive me for the part of me that pushes ahead. I was not in the Spirit. I pray You will sort it all out and if I need to make amends You will show me. Help me to share only when and what You want me to. Help me to be sensitive to others, not just turned on about what I have experienced. I somehow want to tell everyone and yet I realize that these workings come only from Your Spirit. You may use me to fan the fires but please keep me from the flesh and pride. Lord I so totally need You.

 

Help me now to receive Your cleansing and not walk in weakness and condemnation. It is only another area I see where I need Your help and the control of Your Spirit. I know You will help me. I receive Your cleansing, the filling of Your Spirit and will do whatever You show me, even if it is nothing! I want to please You – to grow – to ripen and mature – to bless my family and the body – to bless You.

 

Thank you that Your assurance has enabled me to get my eyes off of my own need – to trust You enough for it to go on in You. Surely this is freedom – when our own concerns become secondary and yet I know how easily I am distracted from this. BUT I have seen the possibility of this life that is not held back for self-concern but can go on to invade the impossible. May I grow into it Lord. I humble myself before Your awesomeness and the wonder of Your glory. Accept my praise today. May my thoughts and meditations please You. May I rest in You today.

 

“Streams” was wonderful. “Nothing shall be impossible unto you.” Matt. 17:20. “It is possible for those who really are willing to reckon on the power of the Lord for keeping and victory to lead a life in which His promises are taken as they stand and are found to be true.” It is possible to have the thoughts and imaginations of our hearts purified – so be it Lord. It is possible by taking complete refuge in Divine power to become strong through and through!!!

 

I want You – I thirst for You – I bow at Your feet – I praise You for glimpses of Your power. I worship You and adore You. I thank You for my life – for the privilege of living it for You.

 

February 21, 1985

 

The kids had fun at Disneyland. Ben and Rachel freaked out with exhaustion. Joyce came over and we had a hilarious time with the Dictaphone again. The kids can’t believe how crazy she is!

 

Jim and I had a few quiet hours – he is so discouraged. But inside I know You are at work. I must be willing to see him struggle and go through breaking that he might enter into Your assurance and fullness. It is hard. I wish You would just zap him but I know there is a process and timing involved for Your lasting work to be accomplished. I hold him up to You and ask You to give him little signs of encouragement so he can hold on. Help him to recognize Your encouragement – not to be blind to it. Open his eyes to see spiritual things and enlarge his spirit. Work in him the fruits of the spirit he so desires. Those desires come from You and only You can accomplish them. I don’t think he really knows that yet. There is still a part of him that is strong and wants very much to do it. I commit him to You today knowing You love him more than I do and have a wonderful plan for him. May I be a blessing, not a discouragement. Show me when to be silent and when to speak. You know how ready my mouth always is – bring it in submission to Your Spirit.

 

May Joyce and Arnie have opportunities to see Wycliffe and Mountain of Light and to have theirs hearts touched by You and Your people. Be pleased to let me see Jamie if You choose. Help me not to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.

 

“Streams” was again so perfect today – on resting and waiting patiently. Patience takes away worry and weeping and self-works. The work He desires is that You believe and then you may know that all is well. Patience takes away all wobbling. Make me stand upon my standing. God’s foundations are steady and when His patience is within us we are steady while we wait. Patience gives worship and longsuffering with joyfulness.

 

Betty B’s note encouraged me again. It was based on “What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in the light and what ye hear in the ears, that preach ye upon the housetops.” Matt. 10:27 The devotional talked of the nature of delight and humiliation that comes after the darkness. Help me to not just dwell on the delight. You have shown me my smallness and weakness. May I always be very aware of this. It is the humiliation that brings softness of heart that will always listen to You. Even as yesterday’s Streams said, the true experience of Your power will always cause us to bow lower at Your feet to learn to thirst and long for more.

 

February 23, 1985

 

We have had a nice day so far visiting. Joyce and the family had a lot of fun at the San Diego Zoo yesterday. The kids have all been very good today. Joyce is all turned on about computers so Jim took them to look at some. Tonight we will have pizza and maybe see Mountain of Light.

 

I realize what has been so hard (at least in part). I have achieved a sense of wholeness and security here at home. With them here, I am so aware of my disabilities. I also am aware and disappointed in my strength (or lack of it) for visiting. I wish it could be otherwise and I have felt sad and let down. I am so much aware of all I have lost and right now it matters. I’m sure things will come back into perspective. I pray I would not give in to these wrong feelings but could walk in Your Spirit while Joyce and Arnie are here. I have been amazed at the depth of my feelings which have been ruling me. But You surely will ever bring me beyond this. My Lord, You have brought me so far and now I see how far I have yet to go. I want to go with You Lord, even though the way is hard. Forgive me for self-centeredness. I wish I could do better. I yield this weakness to You and ask You to fill this part of my life with Your strength.

 

Order the remainder of the visit. My arms and skin are badly flared and I’m not able to rest in it as well. My peace seems somewhat shaken in my efforts to visit. Take control Lord. Let them see Your glory here. Thanks for the talk with the Amigo dealer. It sounds like I want one with the specialized arm bar that is close to my body. The joystick models are not portable and the others are quite manageable if my hands are strong. Arm reach can be adjusted to meet my needs. A representative will bring me arms to try next week. We have almost $2,300 to use for it. That should be plenty. Thank you Lord for this free thing! Also the Amigo has me very excited. You are so abundantly blessing me. How much the more I want to bless You and Your people.

 

I love You. I thank you for showing me the power You can give me even in the midst of this visit. Thank you that You are able when I am not. I still long to see Joyce and Arnie’s spiritual eyes opened. I trust some of what they have seen here has had some effect even if I can’t see it. Jim has thoroughly enjoyed Joyce. So have the kids. She is so completely crazy! I really have loved Ben and Rachel and enjoyed being able to love them, even though some times have been hard. They are especially good when Joyce and Arnie aren’t around. David and Jenny have really had a good time. Please bless the remainder of the trip for all of us.

 

February 26, 1985

 

Well, the visit is almost over. They went to San Juan Capistrano today. Tomorrow they will go to see one of Arnie’s friends in LA. Then we will go out for dinner at the Mex. I have to admit I’m tired and ready to be alone again. They are tired too and ready to go home. One week probably would have been just right as they originally planned. Please bless the remaining two days Lord. Let us depart with good feelings about the trip. Help the kids to do okay tomorrow in LA. I know they are tired of being dragged around. I wish I had the strength to keep Rachel. She is so good by herself but I just tire too easily. Now I have this new complication of arthritis in my left hand and wrist, which threatens the full use of the hand. I pray this will improve and come under control since I am unable to take my anti-inflamatory drugs to help. Sue Apgar made us a lovely dinner for tonight. At least it sure smells good!

People have been so super kind. Thank you that You are with me in the midst of the weakness when I have not spent the time I should with You. Help me recover my steadiness and grow in all You have taught me. I have been tired and pulled in many directions and yet You bless me so. Thank you! I want to bless You too. Forgive me for my lack of real love, my easy irritability and judgmental attitude. Give me Your love for the family these last few days. Help me overlook and not judge – just to love and accept with Your love. It sure seems hopeless that Joyce will ever be able to know You, but You are a God who delights to do the impossible. Save her and the family Lord.

 

Thanks that Mom’s dolls came. Help us get them sent off quickly. Please bless John L’s sister and her family as they bear this huge reversal that puts them in danger of lawsuits and such hurtful relationship. Be pleased to reverse this in this critical week and meet their need in the best possible way. Protect them from the enemy and let them see Your victory. Give John and Carrie peace as they bear this burden with them. Help us get back to better family times. It’s been hard with Joyce here. The kids have been tired and distracted and so have we. How very much we need Your Spirit. Fill us Lord.

 

February 27, 1985

 

“Your real life is in heaven with Christ and God.” Col. 3:27

 

Happy Birthday Mom! I had a good talk with Mom this morning and can’t wait to send her present! Lord, how I need You – how easily the self-concern rears up again. I had a bad night with my arm and my hand and wrist aren’t good. Both arms are spastic and my legs are weak today. Be pleased to give me strength to try the Amigo and go out tonight with Joyce and Arnie. Please bless their plane and grant me a restful day. Help me most of all to meditate on Your goodness that I might be renewed and empowered and have my eye taken off of this earthly life and back onto You.

 

Your Word to me today from “Streams” – covet to get alone with God. If we neglect it we not only rob ourselves but others too of blessings since when we are blessed we are able to pass on blessing to others. It may mean less outside work; it must mean more depth and power and the consequence too will be, “They saw no man save Jesus only.”

 

March 1, 1985

 

The visit ended very well. We had a wonderful last night together. Joyce and Arnie really enjoyed their day in LA. So everything worked out better than expected. I tried the Amigo and we ordered one but after seeing the constant hand action it requires, I am having second thoughts. I just can’t afford to tire and chance hurting my right arm. My left arm is inflamed and all the hand and wrist joints. I can’t use the hand well without flaring up the upper arm which is another reason to avoid hand controls. We may look at the Ulta but it is much more expensive. Maybe You just don’t want me to have one Lord. I am willing to go whatever way You choose. Just please make the way clear to me.

 

Jim has been grouchy toward me but admitted a lot of it is his own fear of what is happening to my arm and the fact that I’ve continued to push on.  Help me do what is right. Help Jim to trust You more too. I feel You are calling me to go completely on faith now as I am so physically, emotionally and spiritually worn out. Thank God for Christ in me. Prove Your power in this total weakness Lord.

 

Whispers and Streams were both encouraging. I can’t write them now – my arm hurts and my right wrist. I hope it is not also getting inflamed. I can’t push it. Help me record it later – also to get the donor notes done. How hard a place we are in. I trust You to make good of the wheelchair conflict, the new flare up and even the conflict with Jim. Make me sensitive to Your Spirit once again that I might go forward in You even in these troubles.

 

March 6, 1985

 

I have been through a few days of crumbling and breaking. My feelings completely took over. My hand swelled up so much but I think it is getting better. I still can’t use the fingers – also the arm is so spastic as is my right one and even my legs. I felt so overwhelmed and disappointed about my health, the wheelchair, etc. I really gave up for a while. Forgive me Lord. Although I was unable to trust those few days, You were with me. You strengthened me again. You sent me a letter through Norma reminding me of all You have done in my life – of how totally You can be trusted with the giants in my life. There was immediate freedom. Thank you. I want more than anything to honor You before the heavenly hosts and here on earth – to serve You with a pure heart.

 

I realize how the enemy attacks at points of weakness to cause us to crumble in a heap of self- concern and yet the key to freedom in the Spirit filled life is the complete trust that enables us to turn from self-concern and be available to You.   What a freedom – what a power. No wonder the enemy opposes this so much. But even when we succumb to our fleshly weakness, the key is to realize that we can still be restored. We must not enter self-condemnation but use our very weakness as a means to gain more of You rather than let it pull us away. What a marvelous discovery this is. For even now failures and weakness can work for us if only we’ll come to You and let You have us at these times. There is still pain but that steadiness of spirit can fill us with strength to endure and not just endure but glorify You and praise You. Christians are not guaranteed happiness for happiness depends on circumstances but we are granted joy – for it depends on a relationship with You and it is ours to have.

 

I am learning Lord but the process is slow. Thank you for sending help and reminding me when I so baldly needed it. You are so good. Please work in Harry’s life today. Please bless our plans to see Pastor Mercaldo. Work out the timing so the Bach festival is not a problem. Please allow us to spend a little time with them. I continue to ask for the wheelchair but I commit it to You Lord. For only You know if I really need it or if it is even good for me. I love you. I commit myself anew to You.

 

March 7, 1985

 

Lord, I recognize that You want complete trust. Even as I go through these trials though and waver at times, You use the struggles to bring me just a little closer to the goal. They are not to be seen as negative or defeats – they are the process to growth and greater victory. By using my total weakness and inability as a vehicle to gain Your strength rather than something to despise and separate me from You, I am enabled to stand firm. Thank you. May all Your children come to an understanding of this.

 

The area of trust is so freedom producing because it moves us out of the realm of self-concern, recognizing that the God who scheduled every day before we were born will take care of this new burden too. What joy producing freedom, allowing us to live in the realm of the Spirit. Such a deep and valuable lesson. I have glimpsed its power and I long to grow in it!

 

Today’s Streams was on this very theme of trust. “We are troubled on every side.” 2 Cor. 7:5. Why should God have to lead us thus and allow the pressure to be so hard and constant? First, it shows His all-sufficient strength and grace much better than if we were exempt from pressure and trial. The treasure is in earthen vessels that the excellency of the power may be of God and not of us. It makes us more conscious of our dependence on Him. God is constantly trying to teach us our dependence and to hold us absolutely in His Hand and hanging upon His care. Jesus wants us to stand, not with self-constituted strength but with a hand ever leaning upon His and a trust that does take one step alone. It teaches us trust. There is no way of learning faith except by trial. It is God’s school of faith and it is far better to learn to trust God than to enjoy life. The lesson of faith once learned is an everlasting acquisition and an eternal fortune makes; without trust even riches will leave us poor.

 

March 10, 1985

 

Lord, I affirm today that You are in me – that regardless of my feelings, my Spirit is on the Solid Rock of Christ Jesus. I want to be willing for You to spend my life however You choose, even if I must remain shut in at a time when it looked like I would begin coming out. Whatever it means, I accept it – the good and bad – for none of it is bad really when in Your will.  I want my life to count for Your Kingdom – to be a blessing to my family. I pray for them that they would grow through the disappointments. I miss being with them – going places – doing things and I know they miss having me. But You have allowed this to happen. Perhaps it is the way You will empower us as a family as we learn patience and endurance and steadfastness through these times. I trust You Lord – for me, for Jim and for David and Jenny. I know You love us and that our desires are a gift. Though the way seems long and difficult, let us hold on in full trust, loving You and ready to serve You – vessels You can use for Your glory.

 

March 11, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for our special prayer time this morning. You really used Jim to minister to me and put me “back on course” when I so wanted to faint. I praise You for giving me a wonderful mate who loves You. May he grow and stand firm in these trails. Let us go forth as Your witnesses together whether in healing or in the midst of the affliction. How I Need You. Pastor Mercaldo’s visit was a great blessing even though I talked too much (as usual). He is a wonderful man and Vangie and her family are precious. Bless their time of rest in Hawaii Lord. Thank you for raising up men who believe You and stand on Your Word.

 

Please intervene in Fern and Ellword’s lives – John L’s sister who faces these terrible law suits and financial loss. John wants me to talk to Fern. I feel so helpless to know how to encourage her as her need is so different from mine and yet both of our needs are alike in that they can be fully met in You and You alone. The last few “Streams” have been so good.

 

“The just shall live by faith.” Heb. 10:38 Seemings and feelings are often substituted for faith. Pleasurable emotions and deep satisfying experiences are part of the Christian life but not all of it. Trials and battles lie along the way and are not to be counted as misfortunes but part of our necessary discipline. In all these experiences we are to reckon on Christ as dwelling in the heart regardless of our feelings if we are walking obediently before Him. Here is where many get into trouble – by trying to walk by feeling. Distinguish between the fact of God’s presence and the emotion of the fact. *

 

Sitting down to brood over our sorrows, the darkness deepens about us and creeps into our hearts and our strength changes to weakness. But if we turn away from the gloom and take up the tasks and duties to which God calls us, the light will come again and we shall grow stronger.

 

March 14, 1985

 

Lord, it has been so hard – the temptation to give in to my feelings and pain and self-concern have overwhelmed me as what to do about my arm and hand has been undecided and I am seeing such pain and loss. And yet, deep in side I KNOW You have scheduled my day – You are allowing me to learn a deeper level of trust that can reach out and minister and love in spite of personal pain. Lord I commit this pain and the process I face to You anew today as best I know how. Again I see my total weakness and need for the power of Your Spirit to overshadow me. I know that is what You want for me.

 

And yet I continue to ask for Your healing knowing it is not wrong to ask, but I always want Your will. I have not forgotten Your promises though and hold on. I want to do that in a yielded way though Lord – allowing You to work as You desire, realizing that what You do is for Your Kingdom and for my good also. I want to be Yours in every area. I realize how far I have to go but I rejoice in the process that is occurring. I know You are bringing Jim to a greater need and dependency and although I don’t want him to hurt or grieve I realize You are answering his prayers and building that foundation he so desires. To You be all glory.

 

Be with us in a special way today at Dr. G’s. Let us love him with Your love. Let him see You in us. Lord I want so much to see him brought to completeness in You. Help him Lord – set him free. I am glad to suffer for his salvation – to see him and his family enter into Your eternal promises. Any earthly suffering is so small when compared with the eternal suffering facing the lost. I trust him to You and Cindy and Dr. W. too.

 

Thank you for Your word to me in Heb. 4:10,11. “For he that has entered into His rest, he also hath ceased from his own works… Let us labor therefore to enter into that rest.”

 

“We shall not ‘drift’ into rest. There must be a will to enter in. Perhaps what demands most will power is the resolution to cease from our own works – our own business and to stay our minds upon God. We pray and the answer is not what we expect. It seems an answer of loss – sometimes loss upon loss. We must cease from our own thoughts about it and believe that what He has allowed is the perfect answer for the moment. As we believe and accept we enter into rest and the sense of strain passes into peace. This covers all life – illness, mental or spiritual suffering, the unexplained. Let us hasten by an act of the will to come to Him for rest.

 

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee because he trusteth in Thee.” Is. 26:3

 

Thank you for Your Word, which keeps me from fainting. Thank you for Your Spirit. Cleanse me by Your blood, fill me anew, use me today Lord as You desire. I am here wanting to please You.

 

March 17, 1985

 

Thank you Lord that You are with me. Thank you for our wonderful church, for Pastor Wood and the elders who came and prayed for me and anointed me with oil. Your presence was so real – thank you. Thank you for the love of the body which is Your love, for their tears which were Your tears. Harry and Linda Palmer, Harry and Sue Nelson, Armene and Bob Humber, Harry Dolby, Ray Boyd, John Huntley and George Wood were all here in Your Name.

 

I know You have touched me and if You don’t intervene physically at this time You will direct us and bless us for Your Kingdom as we step forward. The circulatory system in my left arm has collapsed, causing all the swelling and discoloration and pain in my joints and hand. Dr. G says I need to be in the rehab hospital for intensive rehab. We must decide what to do if You do not remove this from me.

 

For a few moments I crumbled, so great was my desire to see instant healing; but then I remembered how I have offered my life to You and my suffering to You for the sake of the Body. I believe You will raise me up but meanwhile I want to be Your vessel, clean and free from fear. You are my hiding place, my Rock, my Fortress. You can make me able to stand. You can give me strength through pain and use my life to bless others. This is my greatest desire. Set me free to be used by You.

 

I don’t want to go to the hospital. Give Jim and I wisdom and work out the finances if we should go that way. We need to know Your will for me. I want to do Your will and believe You will show us clearly which way to go that we might have peace.

 

The pain is so bad Lord. I can’t imagine enduring any therapy and yet that may be the means to be free of the pain. Please help me. Part of me is so afraid. I need You so and yet even this time of intense hurt has been filled with Your love and blessing through Your people. Someone gave us $100 tonight. You are so good.

 

Thank you for George Wood. Please help him order his days so that he is not done in and exhausted. Give him wisdom; anoint him; refresh him in the power of Your Spirit. Thank you Lord for this verse. “The God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:23 I receive Your filling, Your joy, Your hope. I believe in You Lord and Your goodness.

 

March 18, 1985

 

I realize Lord how much I built up my expectations last night about healing. I want it Lord and yet I want Your perfect will and timing.  But sometimes the pain and burden become so heavy and I don’t know how to let it go. I know You are for me but I hurt so and I want so to escape this pain. I would never want to dishonor You. O Lord, keep me by Your power; let me enter into Your path full of Your Spirit and able to stand. This morning You told me to “keep on doing what is right and after a while I will reap a harvest of blessing – if I don’t get discouraged and give up.” Please heal my sad heart today. I want to put on a garment of praise and trust. I want to bring You joy even in this sorrow – to know You have plans for good for Your Body and for me. I do so love You my Lord. I do so completely need You. I choose to enter Your rest. Help me find the way.

 

Last night a man anonymously gave us a $100 through Harry Dolby. Jim lost it in the church parking lot last night. But it was found in a very unusual way and You have spoken to my spirit. Thank you Lord that the $100 was found that Jim lost. I felt You speaking to me that what the thief tried to take was found and restored by the angel of mercy. The same man who gave it found it – how precious. And in the same way, Your Angel of Mercy will restore the peace and trust that the thief has tried to take from me. Thank you that Your Angel of Mercy is already on the way. You are truly a wonder-working God.

 

March 22, 1985

 

Well, here I am in the hospital. It has been quite a time. I had a fairly good first day until night. The rheumatologist came real late after all my medicine and hurt me a lot. Also he did not hold much hope of finding anything else wrong and feels I need steroids to get me through this. I want to trust You Lord. Blood test and catheter were difficult. I’m hoping for no more of that. I start PT today – be with me Lord. Help me to remember Your promise to not be afraid of all this. The Dr. last night made me wish I hadn’t come. Yet Dr. Rose was encouraging. I don’t know what to think.

 

I am uncomfortable in my clothes and last night was so terribly noisy. I don’t know how anyone can sleep. Help me remember You are with me in this. Help me to be free in spirit so I might be a blessing to those around me and not just afraid for myself.

 

This morning You reminded me that the hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. But there is a need for every lesson and when we are ready our deliverance will surely come and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught us in the ordeal. In “Streams” it said, “Do not run impetuously before the Lord. Learn to wait for His time – the minute-hand as well as the hour-hand must point to the exact moment for action.”

 

Lord I commit this day to You. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Help me walk in You. Help me bear the pain. Take away all fear. I want to do Your will. Be pleased to help me sleep better at night.

 

March 23, 1985

 

Bless Freda today Lord. Please help her to recover from her stroke and to be able to communicate. Thank you for a good day today. I slept better except that they come in every 2 hours to help Freda, but I slept in between. Water therapy was good – very helpful and so far no skin reaction. Thanks Lord. I got to share about Your love with several people yesterday.

 

The Dr found a large calcium deposit or something else around the tendon. He injected it with cortisone. It was very sore today but my hand seems a little better. Monday they will start the large doses of steroids. You know how I dread it Lord but they say it is the only way. I trust it to You Lord. They feel it will enable me to move better. Our concern is what is causing the problems and what will happen when the treatment is over. We hope for answers and yet You can heal every condition. Help me with the therapy and heavy schedule. Help me rest tomorrow so I am ready.

 

Help me to be an open channel for You Lord. I am very spastic tonight. Take away all fear Lord. I need You so completely. I worship You and praise You for You are worthy of all glory and honor and praise!

 

“Streams” ministered to me today. “Someday we shall find that the spoils we have won from our trails were just preparing us to become true great heart and lead our fellow pilgrims. Spiritual force is stored in the depths of our being through the very pain, which we cannot understand. Later never forget that the source of helping other people must be victorious suffering. Lord, help me to draw strength from all that comes to me.

 

March 24, 1985

 

I slept fairly well except for all the noise and interruptions. My skin feels worse today but doesn’t look too bad. I hope I can keep up the pool therapy. This morning was the first time I didn’t have pain in my wrist and hand PTL. The shoulder and surrounding muscles are still sore but better too. The cortisone has definitely helped. I can even get more finger movement and there is less swelling. I hope maybe I won’t need the prednisone or at least not too much. My hand definitely looks much better – mostly discolored and some swelling but nothing like it was. If I could just get everything working, maybe I won’t be here too long. You know my heart Lord and my desire to do Your will. I want to be able to minister Your love and joy while I am here.

 

Please bless the church body. Be with Jim and David and Jenny. Meet their needs Lord. Anoint George and strengthen him today. I praise You because You are worthy of all praise end honor and glory. I love You Lord. I commit my life anew to You today. Help me rest in You and abide in You. Help me face tomorrow – because You live, I can face tomorrow. Help me remember I don’t need grace today for tomorrow. Teach me to live in the present – to enjoy this day of rest – Your day and to meditate on You often. May my thoughts please You.

 

I continue to ask for Your strength as I have none of my own to face this. Thank you Lord. May You be glorified in everything that happens here. Work in Freda and please help Patrick – the 15 year old with encephalitis. Bring healing to his body and healing to his entire family’s spirits. Bless Julie and Nancy, Dr. Rose, Dr. Harris and even Dr. Younger. Help me be a light to them. Forgive me for not liking Dr. Younger. Bless him Lord. Help him know You and enjoy his life.

 

March 25, 1985

 

Well Lord, I had my first real PT on my legs. That was a surprise. I will go to the pool at 1:30. I was tired after the PT but feel better after lunch. I saw Debbie (the Amigo saleswoman) and we had a nice visit. She has had cancer and faces the possibility of more. I am so glad she knows You and for the joy she radiates in her life. Bless her – let it go well with her.

 

Thank you for sustaining me and helping me care for others while I am here. I truly want to be Your servant and to trust You even when PT is not what I expect or want. I love You Lord. Thank you for the many special people who work here. Thank you too for Freda. Show me how to minister to her – how to help her days be a little easier.

 

Bless my time with Hal and Evelyn and help me as I start the prednisone tomorrow. Be pleased to keep me from ill effects. Help Jim not to be too lonely and give him strength for this time. Bless the kids too and help them. Jim has kept everyone away for my own good – probably a good decision but I miss the attention (You know me Lord!!)

 

I commit today to You. Please help my skin as it is flaring. Please help me handle the pool OK and get cleaned up OK afterwards. Bless my nurse today and give her strength.

 

March 29, 1985

 

It’s been a hard week Lord – so hard to stay close to You in fellowship in the Spirit when I am tired and being pushed to my limits. And yet, I know You are with me and I thank you. I trust You have ordered these days and that You have many special purposes. I desire to be free to serve You and yet I have had so many fears – the drugs, the pain, the therapy, the tiredness, the money Wycliffe will have to pay. I guess I understand how Pat felt when she said she’d feel guilty if she died because of all they spent trying to save her! And yet I can only do my best. They hope to restore much of my arms and my hand and already there is progress. They want to teach me to relax and not tense the muscles – to need less drugs, etc. They want to improve my posture and walking although insurance does not seem to be possible right now.

 

But as tired as I get, I keep going. I want to be willing to try – to give it all I’ve got but also to be aware of when it’s too much. They are not that much into MS here so there is not always the right balance. But I realize, out of fear, Jim and I may very well have swung the other way. Perhaps I can do much more. I’m willing to find out.

 

Jim and the kids seem to be managing fine and Mae Mae (Jim’s mother) comes today. Please bless her and her stay. Thank you for Your outpouring of love through others. I know You are holding my hand even though sometimes I feel alone. Thank you for being my Lord and Savior. I want to please You. Please fill me with Your Spirit today that I might see Your eyes of love.

 

Bless Nancy. She’s such a dear. Thanks for her – I’ll really miss her while she’s on vacation. Thanks for Dr. Rose and Dr. Narezen and all the others too – a very special group. Oh that they could know You and the wonder of working with You. Help me speak Your Words to their hearts that they might know Your great love for them. My arms are tired now.

 

Guard my heart. May my thoughts turn often to You. May I bring You joy. I love You Lord. I want to sing to You in my heart. You are my Rock and my Fortress – the God in whom I trust.

 

March 31, 1985

 

Sometimes I think I just won’t make it Lord. How I need to lay hold of You again. In my need, look down upon me, see the desire of my heart to please You, grant me grace and wisdom – help me be aware of Your presence with me in the darkness that I might not try to find my own way out or create light that does not come from You. Surely You will bring me to victory again. There is nothing in me that can do this and how well I know it.

 

The therapy has been up and down. Sometimes I am encouraged and at other times just stressed and in pain and fearing. The MS has been kicking in with spells of weakness – complete exhaustion which has me emotionally undone. Thank you for Dr. Rose who recognizes this and will help control my schedule better. Even that assurance was not enough to help me yesterday though. I just felt like I am in a losing battle. But I want so much to try to win. Help me remember it is Your battle Lord. I am under Your sovereign care. Even what man does to me cannot thwart Your perfect plan. And Your grace can give me what I need.

 

I don’t like the emotions but I know they are not where it’s all at even though I can’t seem to control them right now. It is so painful to write. Lord another hard thing for me is I sense loss. I know I may have to lose a little to gain. Help me trust Your path and not fear. Keep the enemy far from me. Help me turn often to You.

 

It is so hard too with Alice. You know that Lord. Should she leave soon. Be pleased to provide better surroundings. The evenings and nights are so long. I get so annoyed at inconsiderate people. Forgive me. Give me Your love to cover my faults. Only in You can I do this Lord. I am too weak.

 

Deliver me from worry and self-pity. Help me see the great needs around me and be a caring vessel of Yours. I love You Lord. Help me especially with Alice Lord. I know you want me to love her but it is SO-O hard!!! She has been such a grouch and doesn’t want light, TV, radio or anyone talking when she’s napping which is ALWAYS!! Help me realize the stress she’s under. Please heal her cold that’s bugging her so much and please let her home evaluation go well. I know there is a lot on her mind and probably causing much anxiety. I commit her to You and whoever else You lead here. Please don’t try me too much Lord. The evenings are so hard and the late night and early mornings. Weekends are a drag with Alice the way she is. But You put me here so help me cope and love with Your love – to fill my mind with thoughts of You to let You lead me – to flee from despair and self-pity.

 

Please strengthen my body. Thank you for bright cheerful lights here like Jackie, Donna and Nancy – people I am growing to love so much. I am glad for the chance to know them even in these hard times. I want to be a blessing.

 

April 1, 1985

 

Only You know the depths of my despair, my fears – how hard it is to hold on in this darkness - the pain – the overwhelming exhaustion, the lack of sleep, the threats all around me. Forgive me Lord for all my complaining. I have not been a good help to Alice – just joining in her bad attitude. Help me to really grasp hold of You again. Deliver me from fear. I slept only 4-5 hours last night and woke up crying. I feel like I can’t make it – it’s too hard. But You are my hope and my strength. I wanted to call Jim and cry to him but I read “Streams” and You spoke deeply to my heart. The hurt is still there – even the uncertainty, but I know You are with me. You are doing Your perfect work. I wish I were not afraid of the process – that I could let go and rest more easily. Bring me to that perfect place of peace where the fear for my own life does not overtake me.

 

I must reread Your word to me. It was so perfect I wept and now I have felt calmer. Just knowing You know where I’m at reminded me that though the way is so very black You are still the God of faithfulness. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust him.” Job 13:15. “For I know whom I have believed.” 2 Tim. 1:12

 

“I will not doubt, though all my ships at sea

Come drifting home with broken masts and sails.

I will believe the Hand which never fails.

From seeming evil worketh good for me

And though I weep because those sails are tattered

Still will I cry, while my best hope lies shattered

I trust in Thee

 

I will not doubt though all my prayers return

Unanswered from the still white realm above

I will believe it is an all-wise love

Which has refused these things for which I yearn

And though at times I cannot keep from grieving

Yet the pure order of my fixed believing

Undimmed shall burn.

 

I will not doubt though sorrows fall like rain

And troubles swarm like bees about a hive

I will believe the heights for which I strive

Are only reached by anguish and by pain

And though I groan and writhe beneath my crosses

I yet shall see through my sorest losses

The greater gain.

 

(The end results:)

I will not doubt. Well anchored in the faith

Like some staunch ship my sail braves every gale

So strong its courage that it will not quail

To breast the mighty unknown sea of death

Oh may I cry though body part with spirit

I do not doubt, so listening world may hear it

With my last breath.

 

Sometimes like Paul I can see neither sun nor stars and no small tempest lies on me. Reason cannot help me; past experiences give me no light. Even prayers fetch no consolation. I must put my soul in one position and keep it there. I must stay upon the Lord and come what may – winds, waves, cross seas, thunder, lightening – no matter what – I must lash myself to the helm and hold fast my confidence in Your faithfulness, Your love, Your everlasting love in Christ Jesus.

 

Thank you Lord. With the help of Your Spirit, I will not doubt. “May the God who vouchsafes to You that same hope fill you with all joy and peace through the exercise of your faith so that this home of yours may be an overflowing fountain by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Rom. 15:13

 

Thank you for the power of Your Word to heal my broken spirit. If You are for me, who can come against me?

 

April 2, 1985

 

Take me today Lord. Quiet my heart and renew a right spirit within me.

 

Lord, You know how hard the day was yesterday – how hard to trust and not be afraid – how badly I started this day – feeling so bad physically and mentally. And yet You are calling me to act in this situation – to actively flee from this discouragement.

 

From “Streams” – “Do not yield to discouragement no matter how sorely pressed or beset you may be. A discouraged soul is helpless (how true!!) It can neither resist the wiles of the enemy himself while in this state nor can it prevail in prayer for others. I ask You God to rebuke the adversary. I choose to turn away from distrust and discouragement. Quicken my faith by Your Spirit.

 

Thank you that all the marvelous attributes of the godhead are on the side of the weakest believer who in Christ’s Name and in simple childlike trust yields to God and turns to Him for help and guidance. Lord, I turn to You, my ONLY hope, my ONLY strength.

 

 

 

April 3, 1985

 

Thank you Lord for an encouraging day yesterday. My left arm goes down all the way now PTL! I’m getting a little more natural use on that side. The pain is somewhat less. My legs seem to be getting somewhat stronger too although I am so aware of how any sustained effort just ruins them. Sometimes it is hard to believe it has all really happened.

 

But I am feeling better – more like I will make it and come out better than I came in. I wasn’t sure at first. My emotions are very up and down based on success, failure, pain and fatigue. I still have a lot of trouble getting to sleep, just averaging 5-6 hours a night! Attempts at drugs have thrown me all off and I’m just getting cleared up. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sleep here unless You really help me with it. Help me at least not to worry but to spend that time communing with You and praying that I might grow rather than be set back over these things. Surely You can keep me strong even without the sleep. I ask You to take care of the roommate situation when Alice leaves. It would be so nice to have quiet nights. I yield it to You Lord and will trust whichever way it goes but You know how I feel. It would be so nice.

 

The devotional books have been dynamite. I don’t know what I’d do if You weren’t guiding me so closely – reassuring me all the way – meeting me in my deepest distress. Even when I am too tired to actively turn to You, You are there.

 

“Glorify the Lord in the fires.” (Is. 24:15) How? By our perfect faith in His goodness and love that has permitted all this to come upon us. And by believing that out of this is coming something more for His praise than could have come but for this fiery trial. We should come out of the furnace trials liberated from our bonds but untouched by the flames.

 

Triumphing over them in it. (Col. 2:15) That is the real triumph – triumphing over sickness in it. We can make others regard us as rich while we are poor and make many rich in our poverty. Our triumph is to be in it. Christ’s triumph was in His humiliation.

 

From “Whispers” – “There are times when it is hard to see God. This ‘wall’ which prevents us from seeing what truly is, teaches us to walk by faith and not by sight. But in His tender love our Lord does give us proof of His presence behind the wall. Is this imagination? No for can imagination stay the heart? It may uplift for a moment but can’t steady it, hold it in peace. Can it strengthen it? No, it cannot so let us trust and not be afraid. It was our Lord and not another who spoke to us. Let us not work one hour in fear, in dullness, in despondency for He is never nearer than when we do not see Him yet stay our heart in Him.