This past month, some friends from our church felt the Lord leading them to gather a group for united prayer and fasting for my healing. I was somewhat apprehensive. As you know, I have had to severely limit visits and calls. And now, 12 people were to be cramped in our bedroom at night my worst time. Jim instructed everyone that I could not be touched because of spasms. And I was determined to be quiet since I had not been able to sing or pray aloud for almost a year because of pressure headaches and bleeding. But as high praise filled the room and God's presence descended, I found it difficult to be silent.

Finally, casting away fears of pain, I reached out to Jesus with all my being. As I did, a supernatural strength took hold of me. Yes, the moment I totally lost sight of self and looked to Jesus, it was like my alabaster box of self protection was broken, releasing the sacrifice of praise and causing rivers of living water to flow out of my innermost being. This went on for a long time. Jenny later told me that I began grabbing everyone I could reach and praying for them, imparting the flow of His Spirit that was tangibly passing through me. We were all mightily touched by God that night as He displayed what could only be His power His resurrection life in a very frail, earthly vessel.(2 Cor. 4:6,7)

But the morning after, I awoke in my physical prison and His strength seemed all gone. Many Scriptures had come forth the night before but Deut. 31:8 had quickened my spirit and come with demonstration and power: "It is the Lord who goes before you; He will march with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; let there be no cowardice or flinching but fear not, neither become broken in spirit (depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm)." (Amplified) As I read Deut. 31, I noticed that God had repeated these same words again and again. Why? Surely because He knew they would feel weak, cowardly and afraid, that it would look like the enemy was too big and God was not with them. Well that was certainly true in my case. I felt totally unable to obey that Word and I told the Lord so. It was then that He showed me an awesome truth.

Hebrews 4:12 says "For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power... dividing the soul and spirit and exposing the deepest motivations of the heart."
The whole issue here was what would I do with the Word God had spoken. A battle was raging between my soul and spirit and I began arguing with the Lord.
"Lord, what I really need is physical healing! That's why we all came together and is that not Your own promise?" I sensed His answer. "Yes! But I am leading you there with My Word you cannot lead Me by picking and choosing what you want from My Word. Just as Jesus did only what He saw His Father doing so you too must follow Me. You also must learn to obey even when obedience means suffering. Are you willing to take the Word I am giving you now so I can empower you to go in My way?"

I realized that to do this I had to die to my own perception of my needs in order to receive what God knew I needed to fulfill His plan. As I yielded, I could see that somehow my eyes had become fixed on a goal instead of Jesus and I was tripping over the hurdles. God had been sending His Word for a long time but I had been a hearer only and not a doer because it was not the Word of my choice. My own will had become the biggest hurdle without my even realizing it. It wasn't easy to lay down my pain and desperation at the Cross but within a few days, God began to renew my vision and show me the bigger picture of all He was
doing, only part of which is healing my body. Thank God for His faithfulness to keep all I committed to Him even when I was too blind to know the way.

A few days ago Jenny read me this hymn with tears in her eyes. I think it says it all:
Teach Me Thy Way, O Lord

Teach me Thy Way, O Lord, Teach me Thy Way!
Thy guiding grace afford Teach me Thy Way!
Help me to walk aright, more by faith, less by sight.
Lead me with heavenly light Teach me Thy Way!

When I am sad at heart, Teach me Thy Way!
When earthly joys depart, Teach me Thy Way!
In hours of loneliness, in times of dire distress,
In failure or success Teach me Thy Way!

When doubts and fears arise, Teach me Thy Way!
When storms o'er spread the skies, Teach me Thy Way!
Shine thru the cloud and rain, thru sorrow, toil or pain;
Make Thou my pathway plain Teach me Thy Way!

Long as my life shall last, Teach me Thy Way!
Wher e'er my lot be cast, Teach me Thy Way!
Until the race is run, until the journey's done,
Until the crown is won, Teach me Thy Way!

God bless you! We love you and continue to pray for you and appreciate your continued prayers for us.