This has been a rugged month and it's hard for me to even talk about it. Last month we shared about a home prayer meeting which we expected would continue. But after two more meetings my condition got so bad we had to stop. I could no longer be with anyone. The deterioration was scary and we needed desperately to know if God wanted us to go forward anyway or if He had accomplished His special purpose in the meetings. When only two of the twelve could come the third time, we felt it was God's direction to stop like Elijah's dried up brook at Cherith (I Kings 17:7). I tried to continue to worship with my whole being but without His empowerment, I was soon back to my mostly inward lifestyle silently trapped in my failing body. Slowly my courage began fading. I got pretty low before discovering I was disappointed, confused, and angry with God! I am being very open with you because this can happen to us all even when we've walked with God for many years. I didn't realize it until I unexpectedly verbalized it, shocking my own ears! We often tend to hide these things even from ourselves but in order for a wound to heal, it must be opened and exposed to the light not covered over. I thought I had broken my alabaster box in vain that my sacrifice of praise had been rejected by God that in fact He was toying with my emotions and was not really there for me. I felt like a jilted lover and it hurt far more than my physical pain. I realize now that the true sacrifice of praise demands nothing in return but is a fitting response to a worthy God. But when I saw my heart state, I was very ashamed and tormented for it was truly how I was. Yet what could I do? Only God knew. That same day a sermon tape called "Consider Job" arrived from a pastor friend in N.Y.C. It described everything I was going through including my failure. And this wonderful pastor of more than 25 years testified openly of being in the same kind of place in his recent time of trial. The message came just in time to save me that day. And so I began to consider Job in fact I spent two days reading Job in different versions. We are told that after Job lost everything he did not sin against God with his mouth. (Job 1:22) And when first afflicted, he did not revile God. (Job 2:10) By chapter 3, Job drastically changed. Prolonged pain took it's toll but Satan's biggest attack was in the spiritual realm when God allowed His presence to be obscured. It was this inability to find God in his pain that led Job to many deceptions. Among them, Job was assured and openly confessed that God was against him (9:11 18), that there was no use in being righteous (30:25 26), that he was surely going to die uncomforted (30:23), that God created him for destruction (10:12 17), did not forgive sin (7:21) and was merciless and cruel (30:19 21). Job cursed the day he was born (3:3) and asked God to leave him alone so he could die in peace (10:20 21). We all know, in the end Job came to see God and repented of all this and was restored double. And in spite of his errors, he is given to us in James 5:11 as the ultimate example of endurance under affliction. Consider Job! God remembered only the gold He always knew was in Job, not the failures in the fire. And so it is with me and you who may now be afflicted, tempest tossed and not comforted (Isaiah 54:11). With Job we can say, "He knows the way that I take and when He has tried me I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10) God bless you. We love you and were blessed and encouraged by the many who called and wrote to say they are praying continuously for us. I wish I could respond to the wonderful letters much more than I have been able but I hope you know how much they mean to all of us. Thanks again for everything.
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