May I unburden my soul with you my dear friends? I am in such need. Life for me is so full of pain and instability that I feel like a ship caught in a very wild storm. I believe my anchor will hold because Christ is my Anchor, but outwardly I am so tossed and unable to remain level in any way.

I am constantly asking God for wisdom for I don't want to hold onto any strength that comes from my flesh and yet I don't want to give up anything God has wrought in me. It is hard to discern this. God has declared I am to live, not die, for purposes He has made known to us at least in part. But for me at this point that is a great sacrifice.

Whatever natural strength is left must die but I don't even know what is my natural strength. How then do I hold firm the confidence and steadfastly endure in the power of His might? Pray I will learn this. God is speaking lessons I don't yet fully understand and am not able to walk in.

The family is under tremendous strain. Jim is working from home mornings to ease Jenny's frequency of having to come home to help me. The toe growths are on both feet now, continually growing, often breaking and bleeding, making it almost impossible to get up even to use the commode. In the natural, we know I am physically dying it is a malignant condition. What it is or is called has never mattered to us because God's will has been made known and Jesus' Name is greater than any other. But we daily have to face our giants straight on. We're beyond any ability to pretend or deny what is happening yet we must still believe that what God revealed to be His will is actually ours and that His will is all that we are to want and pray for. Please continue to agree with us.

I awoke the other night crying to Jesus, "I'm so afraid." I'd been battling fear, apprehension and dread for days and was exhausted. I somehow felt it was up to me to fight it because the Lord had commanded me not to be afraid. I thought if I admitted it, I would be failing Him. But He gave me two Scriptures sections to meditate on. There is a lot to think about here and I'm just sharing my ponderings with you.

One was Mark 4:35 41 when the disciples were caught in the storm after the Lord had told them to go to the other side. He was asleep in the boat while they were in real danger (vs 37). That is a lot how we feel! They needed His intervention as well as His Word. But I think the reason Jesus was upset was because of their attitude, not that they woke Him. He knew they needed His help but they frantically cried, "Master, don't you care that we are perishing?" (vs 38) They had no faith in Him according to Jesus in vs 40. Yet He still saved them! Their cry was not pleasing but it was enough to save. If they had fought the storm themselves they likely would have perished. Lord, what does this mean for me?

The Lord also gave me Matt 14:24 32 where Peter walked on the water, then, seeing the waves, sank in terror. I believe if he could have looked back to Jesus with confidence he would have rose up again, but instead he panicked and fought the waves himself and then screamed to be saved. Jesus' rebuke was because of his attitude rather than the fall itself. But again, though this act of very little faith was not pleasing to the Lord it resulted in salvation.

I think God may be telling me I can't fight these waves. I think He wants me to see Him in a way I never have. Isaiah 30:15 says, "Only in returning to Me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength." The disciples and Peter had no strength because, although they returned to Him, they did not do it in quietness and confidence, but in fear and panic. I am relieved to know they were saved anyway but I long to enter His true rest and be a pleasing child.

Isaiah 30: 18,19 says, "Yet the Lord still waits for you to come to Him so He can show you His love; He will conquer you to bless you just as He said. For the Lord is faithful to His promises. Blessed are all those who wait for Him to help them."

So my dear ones we are greatly in need of your prayers. We want to be conquered by God and to cooperate with Him. Please pray for us that we will know Him in the power of His resurrection this Easter season. Pray we will endure to the end in faith and that the Lord in His mercy will be pleased to bring the end soon. We love you.

In Jesus love and service,

Jim, Cora, David and Jenny

P. S. The day after I wrote this I reviewed these Scriptures again. I felt what God really wanted me to see was how He responded to servants who were afraid, who could not trust Him perfectly in their storm. I am so thankful that He saved them before He rebuked them. He didn't say, "When you can trust me better, then I'll save you." Don't we think of Him that way so often in our trials? Perhaps that holds many of us back from calling on Him when we know our trust is lacking. We fight the waves ourselves and perish rather than humble ourselves before the Lord. But trust is built and learned through living experiences with Him, not mental exercises. All those disciples and especially Peter went on to trust the Lord in a pleasing way and serve Him mightily in later days. And so I will call on God from whatever state I'm in. I really want to know Him. I really want to trust Him. And I have to admit I was surprised to discover in these Scriptures that His method of producing that trust is to save us not abandon us until we measure up. Isn't that a relief? I think it's all beautifully summarized in the two stanzas of the hymn "Just As I Am" below.

Just as I am, without one plea
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidd'st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!

Just as I am, tho tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!