I've been praying about what God would have me share this month and kept coming up blank. Yesterday, I had a call from a woman I'll call Jane and knew her story needed to be told. Jane is a young Christian I recently met when she asked to visit me here. Her five year old son was born with a genetic disease which apart from a miracle is always fatal. I knew she was very hurting but I was not prepared for her heart wrenching call.

The voice on the phone was hysterical. "Cora, I'm losing my mind. I almost slit my wrists this week but a suicide hot line convinced me to get help for my son's sake." Jane proceeded to lash out at God, Christians and herself. She said she was tired of playing church games and having to be strong to be acceptable. "I'm going to get help," she told me, "but not from anything Christian! I've tried for so long but all they give me is words. They tell me to be strong and to praise God but they don't have to go home and watch their child dying. It's crazy! I don't buy all this praise and joy stuff! Nobody really cares. If I cry at Women's Bible Study, I can see them thinking, 'Don't come near me with your pain, it will spoil my fun.' I tried a Christian counselor. I told her about how I haven't slept in months and how my body is falling apart, and do you know what she said?!" Jane's voice became a mocking sing song, "Jane, you just have to give your son to the Lord." She broke into anguished sobs "how can I give him to Someone I don't trust? Not only don't I trust Him, I hate Him!" She screamed this over and over as though inviting my judgment to fall on her. I had been silently praying and God let me see in the Spirit a terribly hurt, confused child having a tantrum crying "Daddy, I hate you" when actually all she wanted was his arms of love and comfort.

At that point, I knew better than to quote Romans 8:28! But I did manage to share my personal experience of when defeated, dying, afraid and feeling abandoned by God and man I hit bottom. It was at a place called the Cross where I learned, as she is now learning, that I couldn't live the Christian life. But as I relinquished the remnant of my broken life God implanted a very tiny but incorruptible seed of hope which has grown steadily to this day. Jane knew that I was talking from experience and seemed almost ready to respond. But in the end she did not want prayer because she was convinced it wouldn't work for her. "I'm going to find something that does," she concluded forcefully. I pray it won't be too long before she realizes the Lord is her one and only hope.

I came away from that experience shaken and feeling I had somehow let her down. I saw anew my desperate need to be filled with the love and compassion of Jesus Christ. What is life really worth unless we walk in the power of His Spirit? I wonder how many Janes are sitting on church pews hiding behind masks to make them acceptable and what would happen to them if their pain, also, became too great to cover.

Have you ever wondered how parts of the body of Christ can be experiencing so much physical or spiritual blessing while others are impoverished? Doesn't God care? Isn't He fair? I think Ezekiel 34 contains a valid explanation. We all need to read it and let it examine us. There is good pasture and God gave it for all His sheep. But this chapter makes it obvious that the sheep themselves have a lot to do with how it is shared. In the first half of the chapter, God speaks of shepherds saying "you fed yourself and let them starve" (vs. 8). In
the second half of the chapter He addresses "fat" sheep saying, "You push and shove the weak and diseased until you scatter them", (vs. 23) "Therefore will I rescue my flock and judge between sheep and sheep" (vs. 24). God, help us all know what this really means. What do you think of when you think of the sin of Sodom? It's sure not what I thought it was! Ezekiel 16:49 says, "Behold, this was the sin of Sodom; pride, over abundance of food, prosperous ease and idleness were hers; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy."

Why am I writing like this? Because I'm hurting for all the Janes and I'm hurting for all the "fat" sheep who don't even know what they are doing. And deep inside my soul I'm asking God, "am I one of them"? When I face Jesus, I don't want to hear Him say "I was sick and you didn't visit me, thirsty and you didn't give me drink...." and I know that you don't either. If I couldn't share my heart with you, I think I would burst. Would you pray with us right now for all of God's sheep? "Father, come and heal your sheep. Rescue your weak and hurting lambs who have been scattered. Judge not the "fat" but open their eyes and forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. Start with us, Lord. Strengthen us and anoint us to be vessels of healing to call captives out of darkness through the power of Your Holy Spirit. Amen.

How we love you. Thank you for your letters of encouragement which make me feel so free to share not only God's comfort, but also His challenges as well. You are such a special part of all God has done for us and put in us. If you are hurting or feeling cast aside, may the great Shepherd come especially to you today. God bless you.